Today is the worst day you can ever imagine. Streets will be filled with blood. Cemeteries will generate zombies. Birds, bats, and fish will come flying out of nowhere to try to eat your eyes. Every step, pole, ladder, and desk will be out to trip you up and kill you with one well placed blow to the head. Bells will play louder and louder, drilling the same tune into your head all day long until you go mad. Your bank accounts will freeze. You’ll lose your job. Your home will burn down. Your friends will die. Your family will blame you. You’ll be locked up for life or until sweet, sweet death sweeps you away from it all. And, to top it all off, little girls will try to sell you cookies.
And the worst part is, God decided it was so!
That’s right, today is the one day no one is ever safe. For today is:
SUNDAY THE 15TH!!!
What, you’re not scared of Sunday the 15th? Why not? You’re scared of its brother, Friday the 13th! Is there any more logic in that? We’ve already had two 13ths on a Friday this year, and there will be another in November. We’ve had millions and billions of 13ths on Fridays since this little dust ball came into existence. The world hasn’t ended yet, right?
Most people who believe that Friday the 13th has any significance at all tend to fall into three categories.
1. They believe it is Bad Luck
2. They believe it is Good Luck
3. They believe it was a great series of Movies
Now, which crowd you’re a part of tends to change your travel plans, right?
1. You stay at home and never leave the comfort of your bed
2. You do all of your business/gambling and enjoy better driving conditions
3. You either go out to the movies or stay at home and watch the entire collection
Whose getting the short end of the stick here? There are 17 million people in the US alone who are scared to death of a number in a certain spot on the calendar! Sure, this superstition goes back nearly to the first millennium after a certain holy figure was mercilessly killed and nailed to some wood for all to see, which also happened to be on a Friday, but that doesn’t mean that it holds any significance, good or bad.
You people need to get it through your heads that this day means nothing unless you make it mean something. That’s how the world works. Nothing means anything until you let it mean that. I say, when you’re feeling spooked about the current day, go outside, get some fresh air, and enjoy better driving conditions because 17 million fools are sitting at home instead of driving to work that day.
Happy Buzzards Day!
Showing posts with label celebration. Show all posts
Showing posts with label celebration. Show all posts
Sunday, March 15, 2009
Thursday, December 20, 2007
Merry Christmas!
Time to hang up old red and white socks, clean out the chimney, cut down a perfectly good tree, and hang flashing lights all over it that get hot very easily right next to all of your wooden family heirlooms that were made for just such an occasion.
That’s right folks! Christmas is upon us! One of those holidays that not only let people, but encourage them to make a fire hazard in their own homes. We leave the fire place burning all night, with very flammable socks hanging from it. We cut down a real tree, made out of wood, and place wires all over it that heat up easily with lights that also heat up easily and hang glass, plastic, and wooden ornaments on this tree to suffocate the wires and lights even more. Some people actually place candles around this same tree on Christmas eve! Talk about wanting a fire! And, if that’s not enough to cause one, we can now buy fake snow to place or spray on the tree to suffocate it more! If the tree was recent, it wouldn’t be as much of a problem, but it needs to be up at least 12 days BEFORE Christmas! That’s almost half a month with a dieing tree sitting in your house, with all of these flammable or heated objects all over it, and suffocating it to trap the heat on the tree! So, we are trying our hardest to set our houses on fire in the spirit of Christmas!
And, if that’s not enough for you, we must, simply MUST, buy as many useless objects as we can to give to as many people as possible to place under this tree! So now, you are required to place hundreds of dollars worth of highly flammable material under a tree that might as well be on fire already, and keep them there as long as possible. Now the rest of the decorations must be placed, also before the 12 days start. So, by December 12th, we have lights, fake snow, wooden and plastic decorations, and anything else you can come up with in the spirit of this holiday, getting ready to set you on fire or blow a fuse, and they still expect presents to be bought. I’m convinced that the only thing keeping the house and tree from catching fire for most people is the real snow outside that is keeping everything cooled off. I’m not sure what kind of magic is used everywhere else, but it must be some good stuff to stop this blaze.
Now, this is celebrated as a Christian holiday, but it seems to have gone a completely different route. Aside from the music that hasn’t changed much since before AD, the only thing even relating to Christians or Jesus Christ is the name, Christmas! Other than that, you have a fat man, sliding down a chimney, placing ANYTHING you want under a nearly dead tree, hoping not to knock anything over or catch it on fire in the middle of the night. He flies around the world, in one night, in the direction of the sun, in a giant sleigh that’s pulled by 8 reindeer, all male, with horns, which is opposite of their standard cycle. NONE of this has anything to do with the religion or the event of Christ’s birth. The only thing left is the spirit of giving, which has become the spirit of getting! I hate to be the one to break this to the Christians, but Christmas is no longer a Christian holiday. It is now a store holiday.
Think about it. This is now the holiday for buying stuff. You buy a tree, new decorations, presents, food, cards, everything you can get your hands on! The entire holiday is about buying as much as you, and everything but some of the decorations is either disposed or given away! You spend hundreds, maybe thousands of dollars, for basically nothing! What a great holiday, eh? If you own a store, of any kind, you’ve got it made this season.
In closing, I hope you all enjoy your X-Mas holiday, the X representing the amount of money you will spend before the month is out, and give a present to everyone you know, whether you like them or not, because it’s the only way you will feel good about getting a whole bunch of stuff for free, even though what you get isn’t worth what you bought. And eat some holiday ham for me, since no one cooks goose on this holiday like they used to.
Merry Giving Day, everyone!
That’s right folks! Christmas is upon us! One of those holidays that not only let people, but encourage them to make a fire hazard in their own homes. We leave the fire place burning all night, with very flammable socks hanging from it. We cut down a real tree, made out of wood, and place wires all over it that heat up easily with lights that also heat up easily and hang glass, plastic, and wooden ornaments on this tree to suffocate the wires and lights even more. Some people actually place candles around this same tree on Christmas eve! Talk about wanting a fire! And, if that’s not enough to cause one, we can now buy fake snow to place or spray on the tree to suffocate it more! If the tree was recent, it wouldn’t be as much of a problem, but it needs to be up at least 12 days BEFORE Christmas! That’s almost half a month with a dieing tree sitting in your house, with all of these flammable or heated objects all over it, and suffocating it to trap the heat on the tree! So, we are trying our hardest to set our houses on fire in the spirit of Christmas!
And, if that’s not enough for you, we must, simply MUST, buy as many useless objects as we can to give to as many people as possible to place under this tree! So now, you are required to place hundreds of dollars worth of highly flammable material under a tree that might as well be on fire already, and keep them there as long as possible. Now the rest of the decorations must be placed, also before the 12 days start. So, by December 12th, we have lights, fake snow, wooden and plastic decorations, and anything else you can come up with in the spirit of this holiday, getting ready to set you on fire or blow a fuse, and they still expect presents to be bought. I’m convinced that the only thing keeping the house and tree from catching fire for most people is the real snow outside that is keeping everything cooled off. I’m not sure what kind of magic is used everywhere else, but it must be some good stuff to stop this blaze.
Now, this is celebrated as a Christian holiday, but it seems to have gone a completely different route. Aside from the music that hasn’t changed much since before AD, the only thing even relating to Christians or Jesus Christ is the name, Christmas! Other than that, you have a fat man, sliding down a chimney, placing ANYTHING you want under a nearly dead tree, hoping not to knock anything over or catch it on fire in the middle of the night. He flies around the world, in one night, in the direction of the sun, in a giant sleigh that’s pulled by 8 reindeer, all male, with horns, which is opposite of their standard cycle. NONE of this has anything to do with the religion or the event of Christ’s birth. The only thing left is the spirit of giving, which has become the spirit of getting! I hate to be the one to break this to the Christians, but Christmas is no longer a Christian holiday. It is now a store holiday.
Think about it. This is now the holiday for buying stuff. You buy a tree, new decorations, presents, food, cards, everything you can get your hands on! The entire holiday is about buying as much as you, and everything but some of the decorations is either disposed or given away! You spend hundreds, maybe thousands of dollars, for basically nothing! What a great holiday, eh? If you own a store, of any kind, you’ve got it made this season.
In closing, I hope you all enjoy your X-Mas holiday, the X representing the amount of money you will spend before the month is out, and give a present to everyone you know, whether you like them or not, because it’s the only way you will feel good about getting a whole bunch of stuff for free, even though what you get isn’t worth what you bought. And eat some holiday ham for me, since no one cooks goose on this holiday like they used to.
Merry Giving Day, everyone!
Friday, August 24, 2007
Special Delivery
Why do people celebrate their birthdays? Can anyone tell me? What’s the significance of celebrating the day you were born? Don’t get me wrong, I love the day. You get all kinds of presents or money, or, even if you are alone, you can always use it as an excuse to eat fattening food like cake without anyone yelling at you. But it has always been a mystery, to many people, why you would celebrate on this day.
Before we dive too far into that, let’s get one thing straight here. It is NOT your birthday. It is, in fact, the anniversary of the day you were born. With the way it’s named, and how some people celebrate it, you’d swear the person was born each and every year all over again. If that was the case, trust me on this one, the mother would have killed herself LONG ago.
Now that we have this settled, let’s begin the discussion. Why do people celebrate this day? The only reason it’s on the day it’s on is because you were stuck in your mother’s body and wanted out. So, is it a celebration of the day you escaped? Why does the mother celebrate this day with you? Imagine all of the pain she was put through while you were ‘escaping’ that day. That doesn’t seem like such a fond memory. Then again, she might be celebrating the day her initial ‘burden’ was finally relieved. The father’s part is obvious. In fact, I bet it was the father’s idea to come up with this day, just so he can say, “Yup, I did that! And it’s stayed alive this long so far!” The kid celebrating is just going along with it. “Hey, I get stuff for free, I can eat cake and ice cream without my parents yelling at me, and I can do anything I want!” Okay, that’s not how it is for everyone, but some kids are treated better then others.
It’s not even accurate anyway! Everyone says you are ‘so many’ years old TODAY! But, actually, you are ‘so many’ years and about nine months. Let’s not forget the time you spent in the womb. You were alive then too. So, you are not that old, you are older, by almost a full year! So, the birthday celebration is on the wrong day anyway. It should be the day of conception. It was a lot more fun anyway, don’t you think? Certainly a much fonder memory, and the day would be accurate for the kid’s age. Then again, I don’t think we need to traumatize little Timmy any more than we already do when we tell him how he was made. The last thing we need is a bunch of adults, gathering around the conception-day presents and telling stories.
Now, I’m not telling everyone to stop celebrating birthdays, nor am I saying you should celebrate them differently, but I do want you all to think about it. Next time you blow out those candles, think about the years ahead of you, as the cake becomes more and more of a fire hazard, and as your own children celebrate their ‘birthdays’ along with you, and think about everything I’ve said here. If nothing else, I hope it brings a little chuckle.
To everyone celebrating, Happy Anniversary.
Before we dive too far into that, let’s get one thing straight here. It is NOT your birthday. It is, in fact, the anniversary of the day you were born. With the way it’s named, and how some people celebrate it, you’d swear the person was born each and every year all over again. If that was the case, trust me on this one, the mother would have killed herself LONG ago.
Now that we have this settled, let’s begin the discussion. Why do people celebrate this day? The only reason it’s on the day it’s on is because you were stuck in your mother’s body and wanted out. So, is it a celebration of the day you escaped? Why does the mother celebrate this day with you? Imagine all of the pain she was put through while you were ‘escaping’ that day. That doesn’t seem like such a fond memory. Then again, she might be celebrating the day her initial ‘burden’ was finally relieved. The father’s part is obvious. In fact, I bet it was the father’s idea to come up with this day, just so he can say, “Yup, I did that! And it’s stayed alive this long so far!” The kid celebrating is just going along with it. “Hey, I get stuff for free, I can eat cake and ice cream without my parents yelling at me, and I can do anything I want!” Okay, that’s not how it is for everyone, but some kids are treated better then others.
It’s not even accurate anyway! Everyone says you are ‘so many’ years old TODAY! But, actually, you are ‘so many’ years and about nine months. Let’s not forget the time you spent in the womb. You were alive then too. So, you are not that old, you are older, by almost a full year! So, the birthday celebration is on the wrong day anyway. It should be the day of conception. It was a lot more fun anyway, don’t you think? Certainly a much fonder memory, and the day would be accurate for the kid’s age. Then again, I don’t think we need to traumatize little Timmy any more than we already do when we tell him how he was made. The last thing we need is a bunch of adults, gathering around the conception-day presents and telling stories.
Now, I’m not telling everyone to stop celebrating birthdays, nor am I saying you should celebrate them differently, but I do want you all to think about it. Next time you blow out those candles, think about the years ahead of you, as the cake becomes more and more of a fire hazard, and as your own children celebrate their ‘birthdays’ along with you, and think about everything I’ve said here. If nothing else, I hope it brings a little chuckle.
To everyone celebrating, Happy Anniversary.
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