Today is the worst day you can ever imagine. Streets will be filled with blood. Cemeteries will generate zombies. Birds, bats, and fish will come flying out of nowhere to try to eat your eyes. Every step, pole, ladder, and desk will be out to trip you up and kill you with one well placed blow to the head. Bells will play louder and louder, drilling the same tune into your head all day long until you go mad. Your bank accounts will freeze. You’ll lose your job. Your home will burn down. Your friends will die. Your family will blame you. You’ll be locked up for life or until sweet, sweet death sweeps you away from it all. And, to top it all off, little girls will try to sell you cookies.
And the worst part is, God decided it was so!
That’s right, today is the one day no one is ever safe. For today is:
SUNDAY THE 15TH!!!
What, you’re not scared of Sunday the 15th? Why not? You’re scared of its brother, Friday the 13th! Is there any more logic in that? We’ve already had two 13ths on a Friday this year, and there will be another in November. We’ve had millions and billions of 13ths on Fridays since this little dust ball came into existence. The world hasn’t ended yet, right?
Most people who believe that Friday the 13th has any significance at all tend to fall into three categories.
1. They believe it is Bad Luck
2. They believe it is Good Luck
3. They believe it was a great series of Movies
Now, which crowd you’re a part of tends to change your travel plans, right?
1. You stay at home and never leave the comfort of your bed
2. You do all of your business/gambling and enjoy better driving conditions
3. You either go out to the movies or stay at home and watch the entire collection
Whose getting the short end of the stick here? There are 17 million people in the US alone who are scared to death of a number in a certain spot on the calendar! Sure, this superstition goes back nearly to the first millennium after a certain holy figure was mercilessly killed and nailed to some wood for all to see, which also happened to be on a Friday, but that doesn’t mean that it holds any significance, good or bad.
You people need to get it through your heads that this day means nothing unless you make it mean something. That’s how the world works. Nothing means anything until you let it mean that. I say, when you’re feeling spooked about the current day, go outside, get some fresh air, and enjoy better driving conditions because 17 million fools are sitting at home instead of driving to work that day.
Happy Buzzards Day!
Showing posts with label holidays. Show all posts
Showing posts with label holidays. Show all posts
Sunday, March 15, 2009
Saturday, December 6, 2008
Feel The Rush
Oh the weather outside is… quite nice actually…
And the fire is… non-existent…
And since we’ve… anywhere we want to go…
…
Please Don’t Snow!
Please Don’t Snow!
PLEASE DON’T SNOW!!!
WARNING: Children should not read this post, as it contains violent scenes as well as disillusionment on the part of one Fat Man with a Read Coat.
That’s right, folks, it’s now December, meaning most of the Northern Hemisphere is covered in the white stuff. Any time now, all the good (and bad) little Christian, Jewish, and Catholic (and anyone else with the inclination) girls and boys will see sugar plums (a very sweet candy in their minds) dancing and stay awake very anxiously (until they collapse from exhaustion) to see if one jolly elf (whoever happens to be in charge of them) will leave them presents that only a mystical being (the one in control of the mail) would know about and be able to grant them.
That’s right, Santa Clause is coming to town!
It’s still a little ways off, but people have experienced the bums rush at the stores already. Black Friday showed frantic consumers, worried store clerks, and even a death toll over in - WAIT A MINUTE! Where is this information coming from? I was at one of the stores in question. Sure, there was a lot of people there, and the clerks were forced to respond accordingly, but there was no pushing, no shoving, certainly no deaths, and the only two guys trying to cause a fight were ignored implicitly. It seems to me that the media is once again influencing the public into believing anything they tell them to get ratings and increase spending.
What’s that? You don’t believe the mass media would be capable of controlling people in such a way? What about the war? The one in Iraq? Or is it Iran? No, I think it’s supposed to be Afghanistan… Anyway, the war on the entire middle east is not only the fault of one monkey who jumped the gun, several times, in an attempt to escape the chambered bullet, but also of the media, who perpetrated a false sense of alarm, added onto the already growing distress of the American people.
Even Scott Adams, the creator of Dilbert and the Religion Wars, has noticed the power of the media to influence the public into doing whatever they want them to, through careful words and nudging. How do you think we got the president-elect we currently have? Or the current president? It was all through the media. The media showed all the darker sides of Senator Clinton, and all the lighter sides of Senator Obama. They confused the public with misinformation and propaganda about Al Gore, to allow Bush into office. This happened not once, but twice. I’m not saying Obama is the wrong choice, but he seemed to be the only choice as far as the media was concerned.
Back to the deaths, for a moment. There actually were a couple of deaths at a Wal-Mart store. It wasn’t anything to do with one person robbing another, like most people think Black Friday would cause. It was very simple. There were far too many people waiting in line at a store that sells things incredibly cheap that was having a sale to make things a whole lot cheaper, and in their excitement, these people trampled over other people, resulting in their deaths. So far, as I understand it, there was one store clerk, and one unborn child killed that day due to a stampede.
Are these people to blame for trampling over innocent people? No, not really. They had gone temporarily insane from the sale and no longer had control over their bodies as they were striving to get their loved one, or themselves, the item they always wanted at the one time of the year they could afford it. Should we blame the unsuspecting people that got trampled? Of course not, they were victims in this unfortunate situation. What about the stores? Are they to blame? Not in the slightest. The stores were only capitalizing on the potential profits, like anyone else would do. So who is at fault for this horrible act? Why, the people who caused the mob to go insane in the first place. The Media. They caused the stores to sell lower, which caused the mob, which killed the people. I say, all those people who were causing a panic through advertising the date, the time, the price, and the panic, all at once, should be put behind bars and beaten with a stick at random intervals just to give them the same feeling of panic that the troop of consumers felt as they waited outside their favorite store, hoping to get at their main purchase before anyone else.
So, the media caused the War of the Third-Worlds; the election of whichever president they felt best suited them at the time; the mobs and rioting on black Friday; and the deaths of anyone, physically or politically, that was involved with any of these events. These mass murdering dictators must be stopped. It’s bad enough the internet is full of lies, we can always ignore those, we don’t need these lies thrown at our faces on every news medium man has ever invented. They control our hearts, our minds, and our lives.
They must be stopped!
Poison them! Drown them! Bash them in the head! Got any chloroform? I don’t care how you kill the little beasts, BUT DO IT!
QUICKLY! BEFORE THEY -
<= This transmission has been cut off due to lies, conspiracy theories, and copyright infringement =>
And the fire is… non-existent…
And since we’ve… anywhere we want to go…
…
Please Don’t Snow!
Please Don’t Snow!
PLEASE DON’T SNOW!!!
WARNING: Children should not read this post, as it contains violent scenes as well as disillusionment on the part of one Fat Man with a Read Coat.
That’s right, folks, it’s now December, meaning most of the Northern Hemisphere is covered in the white stuff. Any time now, all the good (and bad) little Christian, Jewish, and Catholic (and anyone else with the inclination) girls and boys will see sugar plums (a very sweet candy in their minds) dancing and stay awake very anxiously (until they collapse from exhaustion) to see if one jolly elf (whoever happens to be in charge of them) will leave them presents that only a mystical being (the one in control of the mail) would know about and be able to grant them.
That’s right, Santa Clause is coming to town!
It’s still a little ways off, but people have experienced the bums rush at the stores already. Black Friday showed frantic consumers, worried store clerks, and even a death toll over in - WAIT A MINUTE! Where is this information coming from? I was at one of the stores in question. Sure, there was a lot of people there, and the clerks were forced to respond accordingly, but there was no pushing, no shoving, certainly no deaths, and the only two guys trying to cause a fight were ignored implicitly. It seems to me that the media is once again influencing the public into believing anything they tell them to get ratings and increase spending.
What’s that? You don’t believe the mass media would be capable of controlling people in such a way? What about the war? The one in Iraq? Or is it Iran? No, I think it’s supposed to be Afghanistan… Anyway, the war on the entire middle east is not only the fault of one monkey who jumped the gun, several times, in an attempt to escape the chambered bullet, but also of the media, who perpetrated a false sense of alarm, added onto the already growing distress of the American people.
Even Scott Adams, the creator of Dilbert and the Religion Wars, has noticed the power of the media to influence the public into doing whatever they want them to, through careful words and nudging. How do you think we got the president-elect we currently have? Or the current president? It was all through the media. The media showed all the darker sides of Senator Clinton, and all the lighter sides of Senator Obama. They confused the public with misinformation and propaganda about Al Gore, to allow Bush into office. This happened not once, but twice. I’m not saying Obama is the wrong choice, but he seemed to be the only choice as far as the media was concerned.
Back to the deaths, for a moment. There actually were a couple of deaths at a Wal-Mart store. It wasn’t anything to do with one person robbing another, like most people think Black Friday would cause. It was very simple. There were far too many people waiting in line at a store that sells things incredibly cheap that was having a sale to make things a whole lot cheaper, and in their excitement, these people trampled over other people, resulting in their deaths. So far, as I understand it, there was one store clerk, and one unborn child killed that day due to a stampede.
Are these people to blame for trampling over innocent people? No, not really. They had gone temporarily insane from the sale and no longer had control over their bodies as they were striving to get their loved one, or themselves, the item they always wanted at the one time of the year they could afford it. Should we blame the unsuspecting people that got trampled? Of course not, they were victims in this unfortunate situation. What about the stores? Are they to blame? Not in the slightest. The stores were only capitalizing on the potential profits, like anyone else would do. So who is at fault for this horrible act? Why, the people who caused the mob to go insane in the first place. The Media. They caused the stores to sell lower, which caused the mob, which killed the people. I say, all those people who were causing a panic through advertising the date, the time, the price, and the panic, all at once, should be put behind bars and beaten with a stick at random intervals just to give them the same feeling of panic that the troop of consumers felt as they waited outside their favorite store, hoping to get at their main purchase before anyone else.
So, the media caused the War of the Third-Worlds; the election of whichever president they felt best suited them at the time; the mobs and rioting on black Friday; and the deaths of anyone, physically or politically, that was involved with any of these events. These mass murdering dictators must be stopped. It’s bad enough the internet is full of lies, we can always ignore those, we don’t need these lies thrown at our faces on every news medium man has ever invented. They control our hearts, our minds, and our lives.
They must be stopped!
Poison them! Drown them! Bash them in the head! Got any chloroform? I don’t care how you kill the little beasts, BUT DO IT!
QUICKLY! BEFORE THEY -
<= This transmission has been cut off due to lies, conspiracy theories, and copyright infringement =>
Sunday, November 23, 2008
Turkey Day!!!
Here’s a thought: What’s up with Thanksgiving?
I mean, I understand the concept of the holiday, we are giving thanks for everything we have and will receive. But, wasn’t this holiday made because of the Native-Americans (Hereby Referred To As Indians) having dinner with the Colonists many years ago? They had some food, the colonists had some food, they decided to eat together, in friendship.
However, whether you believe this holiday is all about giving thanks, or celebrating our friendship with the Indians, how did we turn it into what it is today, an all you can eat buffet of turkey, ham, potatoes, eggs, and anything else you can get your hands on? Eliminating the religious aspect of giving thanks to whatever god you believe in, just being thankful for the food is all anyone does anymore, and that’s more like Bart Simpson’s phrase:
Dear Lord, we paid for all this food ourselves, so thanks for nothing.
Like I said, let’s not include religions into this, and just look at the holiday itself. We’ve covered that we don’t give thanks the way we should anymore, so what about the Indians? What are we doing to show friendship to them? Have you seen the decorations for this holiday? One of the prominent ones is a turkey (Smiling, I might add, as opposed to being terrified of being eaten) dressed as a pilgrim and holding an old gun. Where’s the turkey’s brother, the one dressed as an Indian? I know there are decorations out there depicting Indians taking part, but most of it is about the colonists.
In short, this entire holiday has become nothing but a dedication to ourselves, and how much food we can cram into our mouths before the day is through. I’m not saying that’s a bad thing, I love a good meal as much as the next man. What I am saying is that this holiday has lost its way.
So, think about this truth, when you and your family are settling down to eat, in whatever room you happen to be sitting in (probably the living room watching Garfield’s Thanksgiving special on TV) and try to give a little more thanks for what you’ve got, and just a tad more for the Indians that made this holiday possible.
Oh yeah, and the stores have been claiming that Christmas is just around the corner for a few months now, so be sure to give thanks for fat men in red coats who break into people’s houses, eat their cookies, drink their milk, and leave random objects under the most flammable object in the room.
I mean, I understand the concept of the holiday, we are giving thanks for everything we have and will receive. But, wasn’t this holiday made because of the Native-Americans (Hereby Referred To As Indians) having dinner with the Colonists many years ago? They had some food, the colonists had some food, they decided to eat together, in friendship.
However, whether you believe this holiday is all about giving thanks, or celebrating our friendship with the Indians, how did we turn it into what it is today, an all you can eat buffet of turkey, ham, potatoes, eggs, and anything else you can get your hands on? Eliminating the religious aspect of giving thanks to whatever god you believe in, just being thankful for the food is all anyone does anymore, and that’s more like Bart Simpson’s phrase:
Dear Lord, we paid for all this food ourselves, so thanks for nothing.
Like I said, let’s not include religions into this, and just look at the holiday itself. We’ve covered that we don’t give thanks the way we should anymore, so what about the Indians? What are we doing to show friendship to them? Have you seen the decorations for this holiday? One of the prominent ones is a turkey (Smiling, I might add, as opposed to being terrified of being eaten) dressed as a pilgrim and holding an old gun. Where’s the turkey’s brother, the one dressed as an Indian? I know there are decorations out there depicting Indians taking part, but most of it is about the colonists.
In short, this entire holiday has become nothing but a dedication to ourselves, and how much food we can cram into our mouths before the day is through. I’m not saying that’s a bad thing, I love a good meal as much as the next man. What I am saying is that this holiday has lost its way.
So, think about this truth, when you and your family are settling down to eat, in whatever room you happen to be sitting in (probably the living room watching Garfield’s Thanksgiving special on TV) and try to give a little more thanks for what you’ve got, and just a tad more for the Indians that made this holiday possible.
Oh yeah, and the stores have been claiming that Christmas is just around the corner for a few months now, so be sure to give thanks for fat men in red coats who break into people’s houses, eat their cookies, drink their milk, and leave random objects under the most flammable object in the room.
Thursday, February 14, 2008
Valentine Humbug
I bet you came to this site, hoping to see another Valentine’s Day blog. Another cute little story about how I met this girl, and we’ve been in love for years now, and I got her this cute little bear that had a white shirt on with a red heart, and it was holding a single piece of chocolate fudge with a mint center and it was the sweetest thing ever.
*Sigh*
Well too bad! I’m not gonna give you the satisfaction of a traditional blog entry for this holiday. Why? Because the people that celebrate this holiday don’t care about anyone but themselves! All they are interested in is helping out their relationship with their guy or girl. What about the people who have no such relationship? What about the people that broke up and have no one to go to? What about the people that have not found their ‘significant other’ yet? How are these people supposed to celebrate Valentine’s Day? What do you want them to do, give a heart-shaped box of chocolates to themselves? I think they feel bad enough without that pity party. What about setting them up on a date? I bet you know many friends that they might like. What a great gift on Valentine’s Day, setting your friend up on a blind date with the first person you can think of. Haven’t they been tortured enough?
Ah, but those people will be fine. They’ve survived this day before, and they’ll find love eventually. But if you won’t hold back your love and chocolates for those that have not, then think of the poor Hermit. Think of the old man, living by himself in the house on the hill. Everyone knows him. He’s the mean old man who has nobody and wants nobody. All he wants is to be left alone. He hates it when a random girl in pigtails and shorts walks up to his house, rings his doorbell and slides a valentine under his door, giggling, because they think he’s lonely and just wants somebody to love him. Well, he’s not lonely! In fact, he loves the peace and quiet of his home, and would rather die than associate with the likes of you! And he hates the people that celebrate this day the most! He can’t stand glancing out his window to find people kissing and hugging and smooching and cuddling and walking down the sidewalk, holding hands and giving each other little hearts or cards with a naked kid on it with wings. The Hermit would like nothing better than to forget the world and forget this day. But everyone just keeps bugging him about it.
So, for once in your lives, please, be kind to someone other than yourselves today. Think of the Hermit.
*Sigh*
Well too bad! I’m not gonna give you the satisfaction of a traditional blog entry for this holiday. Why? Because the people that celebrate this holiday don’t care about anyone but themselves! All they are interested in is helping out their relationship with their guy or girl. What about the people who have no such relationship? What about the people that broke up and have no one to go to? What about the people that have not found their ‘significant other’ yet? How are these people supposed to celebrate Valentine’s Day? What do you want them to do, give a heart-shaped box of chocolates to themselves? I think they feel bad enough without that pity party. What about setting them up on a date? I bet you know many friends that they might like. What a great gift on Valentine’s Day, setting your friend up on a blind date with the first person you can think of. Haven’t they been tortured enough?
Ah, but those people will be fine. They’ve survived this day before, and they’ll find love eventually. But if you won’t hold back your love and chocolates for those that have not, then think of the poor Hermit. Think of the old man, living by himself in the house on the hill. Everyone knows him. He’s the mean old man who has nobody and wants nobody. All he wants is to be left alone. He hates it when a random girl in pigtails and shorts walks up to his house, rings his doorbell and slides a valentine under his door, giggling, because they think he’s lonely and just wants somebody to love him. Well, he’s not lonely! In fact, he loves the peace and quiet of his home, and would rather die than associate with the likes of you! And he hates the people that celebrate this day the most! He can’t stand glancing out his window to find people kissing and hugging and smooching and cuddling and walking down the sidewalk, holding hands and giving each other little hearts or cards with a naked kid on it with wings. The Hermit would like nothing better than to forget the world and forget this day. But everyone just keeps bugging him about it.
So, for once in your lives, please, be kind to someone other than yourselves today. Think of the Hermit.
Friday, December 28, 2007
Joyous Kwanzaa Boxing Year!
Due to these holidays sharing the same days, as well as my own personal laziness, I shall be talking about two holidays today: Kwanzaa and Boxing Day. Both holidays are held on the 26th of December, and both involve cultures that did not originate in America, though both have spread to it.
Kwanzaa, being a mostly African holiday, lasts for 7 days and was developed to be an African alternative to Christmas. Don’t believe me? Look it up on Wikipedia. It was started in the 1960’s specifically for African-Americans that aren’t Christian. The original idea, and the basic idea for quite a few families, is to remember your origins, your family, and your race. This was the first, and I believe only, African-American holiday to be created. Sure, the Africans have other holidays, but this one, developed specifically for African-Americans, is the only one to be publicly celebrated without you needing to read a national geographic or an encyclopedia. Kwanzaa is slowly becoming another standard holiday, like Christmas, but the pace it is going will set it back for a while. Currently, it is still for Africans only, but give it time. Soon it may become the holiday for minorities or something, who knows.
As for Boxing Day, now here is a holiday I think everyone should celebrate, even if it is mostly for the Commonwealth of Nations. I first heard about this holiday from an old TV show, M*A*S*H. On that show, Boxing Day was when the troops would switch places. The officers and enlisted men would trade jobs, for 24 hours. Already, I thought this was a great idea! Upper Class and Lower Class trading places? Talk about a great way to try the grass on the other side of the fence. Some might enjoy a day of bliss, whether it be worry free or enjoying the glamour, and some would get a decent humbling that they deserve. As I delved deeper into my research on Boxing Day, I learned that it was significantly more than that. In fact, Wikipedia hasn’t even heard of the version I just spoke of. According to them, Boxing Day, celebrated on the 26th, 27th or 28th, depending on if the 26th is on a weekend, came about from employers leaving a clay box out front of their business, usually a store, and have themselves and the customers place money into this box. At the end of the day, the box would be smashed open and the money would be divided up amongst the employees, that being their end-of-the-year bonus. This isn’t such a bad idea. Wouldn’t you like to get a bonus this way? The boss would be forced to place at least a little bit of money in. And, if you work in a store, the customers would place in money too, potentially tripling your bonus! Sounds like an excellent idea. The only problem I could see is that it might replace the Christmas bonus… unless the boss didn’t need to place any money in the box, in which case he wouldn't lose a cent and the customers could show their appreciation by giving you a grand New Year’s gift.
Speaking of New Years, I might as well throw this in there too. We’ll be celebrating the turning over of the year. We’re going onto 2008, which is 8 years after when the world should have ended, 7 years after it should have ended again, and only 4 years before we try another one. Oh yeah, and Bush finally leaves office.
WOOHOO!!!
Don’t get me wrong, I have nothing against the president of the united states, nor democracy as a whole. But I DO have problems with Bush, as do all democrats and most republicans, and I’ll be happy to see him go.
As for the New Year’s holiday, I honestly think this is a stupid idea. Let’s look at what this “holiday” is all about. We are celebrating the end of the year. We survived another cycle around the sun. Why are we celebrating it on this particular day? Because someone, thousands of years ago, decided that this is the last day of the year. That’s it. Maybe it was one guy, maybe it was a small group. It couldn’t have been a woman, I know that much. Women could not be stupid enough to end a year and begin a season at the same time. I think a bunch of guys were sitting around a fire, drinking liquor, and wanting to throw a party that would keep them moving and bring a lot of warm bodies together. So, on one of the coldest days they could find, they decided, "We’re having a party tonight!" "What’s the occasion?" "We’ve lasted this long, haven’t we? That’s good enough reason." After a few goes at this, they settled of a specific day, which resulted in a calender to keep track of when that day was, and they proceeded to make up a bunch of names for everything that referenced the sun, the moon, and the gods they were worshiping at the time.
As for the New Year’s resolution, which is basically a promise to yourself that you will probably break, I made a resolution long ago to not make anymore resolutions. I haven’t broken it yet, and I don’t plan to.
Grand Boxing Day, Joyous Kwanzaa, Happy New Year, Seasons Greetings, and Happy Holidays to anyone who still thinks it matters.
Kwanzaa, being a mostly African holiday, lasts for 7 days and was developed to be an African alternative to Christmas. Don’t believe me? Look it up on Wikipedia. It was started in the 1960’s specifically for African-Americans that aren’t Christian. The original idea, and the basic idea for quite a few families, is to remember your origins, your family, and your race. This was the first, and I believe only, African-American holiday to be created. Sure, the Africans have other holidays, but this one, developed specifically for African-Americans, is the only one to be publicly celebrated without you needing to read a national geographic or an encyclopedia. Kwanzaa is slowly becoming another standard holiday, like Christmas, but the pace it is going will set it back for a while. Currently, it is still for Africans only, but give it time. Soon it may become the holiday for minorities or something, who knows.
As for Boxing Day, now here is a holiday I think everyone should celebrate, even if it is mostly for the Commonwealth of Nations. I first heard about this holiday from an old TV show, M*A*S*H. On that show, Boxing Day was when the troops would switch places. The officers and enlisted men would trade jobs, for 24 hours. Already, I thought this was a great idea! Upper Class and Lower Class trading places? Talk about a great way to try the grass on the other side of the fence. Some might enjoy a day of bliss, whether it be worry free or enjoying the glamour, and some would get a decent humbling that they deserve. As I delved deeper into my research on Boxing Day, I learned that it was significantly more than that. In fact, Wikipedia hasn’t even heard of the version I just spoke of. According to them, Boxing Day, celebrated on the 26th, 27th or 28th, depending on if the 26th is on a weekend, came about from employers leaving a clay box out front of their business, usually a store, and have themselves and the customers place money into this box. At the end of the day, the box would be smashed open and the money would be divided up amongst the employees, that being their end-of-the-year bonus. This isn’t such a bad idea. Wouldn’t you like to get a bonus this way? The boss would be forced to place at least a little bit of money in. And, if you work in a store, the customers would place in money too, potentially tripling your bonus! Sounds like an excellent idea. The only problem I could see is that it might replace the Christmas bonus… unless the boss didn’t need to place any money in the box, in which case he wouldn't lose a cent and the customers could show their appreciation by giving you a grand New Year’s gift.
Speaking of New Years, I might as well throw this in there too. We’ll be celebrating the turning over of the year. We’re going onto 2008, which is 8 years after when the world should have ended, 7 years after it should have ended again, and only 4 years before we try another one. Oh yeah, and Bush finally leaves office.
WOOHOO!!!
Don’t get me wrong, I have nothing against the president of the united states, nor democracy as a whole. But I DO have problems with Bush, as do all democrats and most republicans, and I’ll be happy to see him go.
As for the New Year’s holiday, I honestly think this is a stupid idea. Let’s look at what this “holiday” is all about. We are celebrating the end of the year. We survived another cycle around the sun. Why are we celebrating it on this particular day? Because someone, thousands of years ago, decided that this is the last day of the year. That’s it. Maybe it was one guy, maybe it was a small group. It couldn’t have been a woman, I know that much. Women could not be stupid enough to end a year and begin a season at the same time. I think a bunch of guys were sitting around a fire, drinking liquor, and wanting to throw a party that would keep them moving and bring a lot of warm bodies together. So, on one of the coldest days they could find, they decided, "We’re having a party tonight!" "What’s the occasion?" "We’ve lasted this long, haven’t we? That’s good enough reason." After a few goes at this, they settled of a specific day, which resulted in a calender to keep track of when that day was, and they proceeded to make up a bunch of names for everything that referenced the sun, the moon, and the gods they were worshiping at the time.
As for the New Year’s resolution, which is basically a promise to yourself that you will probably break, I made a resolution long ago to not make anymore resolutions. I haven’t broken it yet, and I don’t plan to.
Grand Boxing Day, Joyous Kwanzaa, Happy New Year, Seasons Greetings, and Happy Holidays to anyone who still thinks it matters.
Thursday, December 20, 2007
Merry Christmas!
Time to hang up old red and white socks, clean out the chimney, cut down a perfectly good tree, and hang flashing lights all over it that get hot very easily right next to all of your wooden family heirlooms that were made for just such an occasion.
That’s right folks! Christmas is upon us! One of those holidays that not only let people, but encourage them to make a fire hazard in their own homes. We leave the fire place burning all night, with very flammable socks hanging from it. We cut down a real tree, made out of wood, and place wires all over it that heat up easily with lights that also heat up easily and hang glass, plastic, and wooden ornaments on this tree to suffocate the wires and lights even more. Some people actually place candles around this same tree on Christmas eve! Talk about wanting a fire! And, if that’s not enough to cause one, we can now buy fake snow to place or spray on the tree to suffocate it more! If the tree was recent, it wouldn’t be as much of a problem, but it needs to be up at least 12 days BEFORE Christmas! That’s almost half a month with a dieing tree sitting in your house, with all of these flammable or heated objects all over it, and suffocating it to trap the heat on the tree! So, we are trying our hardest to set our houses on fire in the spirit of Christmas!
And, if that’s not enough for you, we must, simply MUST, buy as many useless objects as we can to give to as many people as possible to place under this tree! So now, you are required to place hundreds of dollars worth of highly flammable material under a tree that might as well be on fire already, and keep them there as long as possible. Now the rest of the decorations must be placed, also before the 12 days start. So, by December 12th, we have lights, fake snow, wooden and plastic decorations, and anything else you can come up with in the spirit of this holiday, getting ready to set you on fire or blow a fuse, and they still expect presents to be bought. I’m convinced that the only thing keeping the house and tree from catching fire for most people is the real snow outside that is keeping everything cooled off. I’m not sure what kind of magic is used everywhere else, but it must be some good stuff to stop this blaze.
Now, this is celebrated as a Christian holiday, but it seems to have gone a completely different route. Aside from the music that hasn’t changed much since before AD, the only thing even relating to Christians or Jesus Christ is the name, Christmas! Other than that, you have a fat man, sliding down a chimney, placing ANYTHING you want under a nearly dead tree, hoping not to knock anything over or catch it on fire in the middle of the night. He flies around the world, in one night, in the direction of the sun, in a giant sleigh that’s pulled by 8 reindeer, all male, with horns, which is opposite of their standard cycle. NONE of this has anything to do with the religion or the event of Christ’s birth. The only thing left is the spirit of giving, which has become the spirit of getting! I hate to be the one to break this to the Christians, but Christmas is no longer a Christian holiday. It is now a store holiday.
Think about it. This is now the holiday for buying stuff. You buy a tree, new decorations, presents, food, cards, everything you can get your hands on! The entire holiday is about buying as much as you, and everything but some of the decorations is either disposed or given away! You spend hundreds, maybe thousands of dollars, for basically nothing! What a great holiday, eh? If you own a store, of any kind, you’ve got it made this season.
In closing, I hope you all enjoy your X-Mas holiday, the X representing the amount of money you will spend before the month is out, and give a present to everyone you know, whether you like them or not, because it’s the only way you will feel good about getting a whole bunch of stuff for free, even though what you get isn’t worth what you bought. And eat some holiday ham for me, since no one cooks goose on this holiday like they used to.
Merry Giving Day, everyone!
That’s right folks! Christmas is upon us! One of those holidays that not only let people, but encourage them to make a fire hazard in their own homes. We leave the fire place burning all night, with very flammable socks hanging from it. We cut down a real tree, made out of wood, and place wires all over it that heat up easily with lights that also heat up easily and hang glass, plastic, and wooden ornaments on this tree to suffocate the wires and lights even more. Some people actually place candles around this same tree on Christmas eve! Talk about wanting a fire! And, if that’s not enough to cause one, we can now buy fake snow to place or spray on the tree to suffocate it more! If the tree was recent, it wouldn’t be as much of a problem, but it needs to be up at least 12 days BEFORE Christmas! That’s almost half a month with a dieing tree sitting in your house, with all of these flammable or heated objects all over it, and suffocating it to trap the heat on the tree! So, we are trying our hardest to set our houses on fire in the spirit of Christmas!
And, if that’s not enough for you, we must, simply MUST, buy as many useless objects as we can to give to as many people as possible to place under this tree! So now, you are required to place hundreds of dollars worth of highly flammable material under a tree that might as well be on fire already, and keep them there as long as possible. Now the rest of the decorations must be placed, also before the 12 days start. So, by December 12th, we have lights, fake snow, wooden and plastic decorations, and anything else you can come up with in the spirit of this holiday, getting ready to set you on fire or blow a fuse, and they still expect presents to be bought. I’m convinced that the only thing keeping the house and tree from catching fire for most people is the real snow outside that is keeping everything cooled off. I’m not sure what kind of magic is used everywhere else, but it must be some good stuff to stop this blaze.
Now, this is celebrated as a Christian holiday, but it seems to have gone a completely different route. Aside from the music that hasn’t changed much since before AD, the only thing even relating to Christians or Jesus Christ is the name, Christmas! Other than that, you have a fat man, sliding down a chimney, placing ANYTHING you want under a nearly dead tree, hoping not to knock anything over or catch it on fire in the middle of the night. He flies around the world, in one night, in the direction of the sun, in a giant sleigh that’s pulled by 8 reindeer, all male, with horns, which is opposite of their standard cycle. NONE of this has anything to do with the religion or the event of Christ’s birth. The only thing left is the spirit of giving, which has become the spirit of getting! I hate to be the one to break this to the Christians, but Christmas is no longer a Christian holiday. It is now a store holiday.
Think about it. This is now the holiday for buying stuff. You buy a tree, new decorations, presents, food, cards, everything you can get your hands on! The entire holiday is about buying as much as you, and everything but some of the decorations is either disposed or given away! You spend hundreds, maybe thousands of dollars, for basically nothing! What a great holiday, eh? If you own a store, of any kind, you’ve got it made this season.
In closing, I hope you all enjoy your X-Mas holiday, the X representing the amount of money you will spend before the month is out, and give a present to everyone you know, whether you like them or not, because it’s the only way you will feel good about getting a whole bunch of stuff for free, even though what you get isn’t worth what you bought. And eat some holiday ham for me, since no one cooks goose on this holiday like they used to.
Merry Giving Day, everyone!
Saturday, December 1, 2007
Welcome to December!
I have been saving all of my creative juices for this month, and it’s gonna be a whopper! Actually, I’ve just been lazy and needed an excuse, but it sounded pretty good, didn’t it?
This month, I am going to be trying to post every article in this blog about Christmas, Hanukkah, any other holidays I know about, and the Holiday Season in general. Since, as far as I know, we are no where near any of the holidays in this season, let’s start with the season in general.
First of all, why is it called the Holiday Season? The season is Winter. We established this long before any of these holidays were thought up. The weather and calendar may not agree, but we are in Winter here in the States, so we should not be in any other season. It can’t be any other kind of Season. It’s not like Elmer Fudd is off in the woods wearing his big brown hat going “Be vewy vewy quiet. We’a wookin’ for howidays! Huhuhuhuhu!” Nobody is hunting it down and we are in either Winter or Autumn, depending on weather and calendar. So I see no reason to call it the Holiday Season.
However, since there are many definitions of Season, and we are adding more every time the occasion arises, it seems we must conclude that this is a season for Holidays. Why? Because the government refuses to acknowledge any specific holiday. The stores, on the other hand, they got plenty of guts to pick a holiday. Which one do they pick? Do they pick Kwanzaa? Nah, they might look racist. Do they pick Hanukkah? Never! That supports rebellion over a tyrannous ruler, which was basically struggling and war and all of the things the stores don’t want people to know about until it’s time for charities. So, which one did they pick? Christmas! Of course! It may be religious, unlike Kwanzaa, and it is only two days out of the month, unlike Hanukkah, but there is no limit on the presents! You can buy as many as you want!
The stores have found the mother load, and it is brought once a year by a fat man in a red coat that practically screams “I’M ON SALE!” They have all sorts of gifts for people to buy on Christmas. Do you know why? Because a Christmas gift can be ANYTHING! You could buy a tiny piece of plastic dog crap, wrap it up - you don’t even need a box - and place it under the tree for the unsuspecting person you are giving it to on this wonderful holiday. If it can be held, it can be a gift. If it can’t be held, it can be in the spirit of Christmas. If anything good happens, it’s a Christmas miracle, and it was all Santa’s doing. Still wonder why the stores picked this holiday?
What I noticed, though, is that, the stores may celebrate Christmas, for recently mentioned obvious reasons, but they never really mention it. More and more, the fat man is shown, the red and green lights are strewn about, but the word Christmas is rarely shown anymore. It was X-mas, as though they had forgotten how to spell Christ, but that was a poor attempt to remove the religion from it to get more customers other than Christians to buy stuff for the occasion. But now, they stopped saying Christmas as often as they can get away with it. They have started to fall into the void of the Holiday Season. It is still Christmas they are celebrating (Black Friday has nothing to do with Kwanzaa, you don’t see any Hanukkah bushes lying around) but they call it the Holiday season, just to please the locals.
If you ask me, I’ve never shopped for Winter unless I was getting a coat, and I’ve never shot Christmas unless you include a few strange games online. The Holiday Season, is Christmas, Hanukkah and Kwanzaa. Let’s leave it at that and let everyone celebrate their own holiday.
This month, I am going to be trying to post every article in this blog about Christmas, Hanukkah, any other holidays I know about, and the Holiday Season in general. Since, as far as I know, we are no where near any of the holidays in this season, let’s start with the season in general.
First of all, why is it called the Holiday Season? The season is Winter. We established this long before any of these holidays were thought up. The weather and calendar may not agree, but we are in Winter here in the States, so we should not be in any other season. It can’t be any other kind of Season. It’s not like Elmer Fudd is off in the woods wearing his big brown hat going “Be vewy vewy quiet. We’a wookin’ for howidays! Huhuhuhuhu!” Nobody is hunting it down and we are in either Winter or Autumn, depending on weather and calendar. So I see no reason to call it the Holiday Season.
However, since there are many definitions of Season, and we are adding more every time the occasion arises, it seems we must conclude that this is a season for Holidays. Why? Because the government refuses to acknowledge any specific holiday. The stores, on the other hand, they got plenty of guts to pick a holiday. Which one do they pick? Do they pick Kwanzaa? Nah, they might look racist. Do they pick Hanukkah? Never! That supports rebellion over a tyrannous ruler, which was basically struggling and war and all of the things the stores don’t want people to know about until it’s time for charities. So, which one did they pick? Christmas! Of course! It may be religious, unlike Kwanzaa, and it is only two days out of the month, unlike Hanukkah, but there is no limit on the presents! You can buy as many as you want!
The stores have found the mother load, and it is brought once a year by a fat man in a red coat that practically screams “I’M ON SALE!” They have all sorts of gifts for people to buy on Christmas. Do you know why? Because a Christmas gift can be ANYTHING! You could buy a tiny piece of plastic dog crap, wrap it up - you don’t even need a box - and place it under the tree for the unsuspecting person you are giving it to on this wonderful holiday. If it can be held, it can be a gift. If it can’t be held, it can be in the spirit of Christmas. If anything good happens, it’s a Christmas miracle, and it was all Santa’s doing. Still wonder why the stores picked this holiday?
What I noticed, though, is that, the stores may celebrate Christmas, for recently mentioned obvious reasons, but they never really mention it. More and more, the fat man is shown, the red and green lights are strewn about, but the word Christmas is rarely shown anymore. It was X-mas, as though they had forgotten how to spell Christ, but that was a poor attempt to remove the religion from it to get more customers other than Christians to buy stuff for the occasion. But now, they stopped saying Christmas as often as they can get away with it. They have started to fall into the void of the Holiday Season. It is still Christmas they are celebrating (Black Friday has nothing to do with Kwanzaa, you don’t see any Hanukkah bushes lying around) but they call it the Holiday season, just to please the locals.
If you ask me, I’ve never shopped for Winter unless I was getting a coat, and I’ve never shot Christmas unless you include a few strange games online. The Holiday Season, is Christmas, Hanukkah and Kwanzaa. Let’s leave it at that and let everyone celebrate their own holiday.
Thursday, November 22, 2007
'Tis the Day We're Rolly-Polly
Did you know Thanksgiving fell on a Thursday last year? Imagine that, two Thursdays in a row. I mean, what are the odds of that happening?
Thanksgiving is a very unique holiday. It’s the only day of the year where people gather together, without needing to bring gifts or money, or even food in some families, and everyone enjoys a nice holiday meal together. It’s the only holiday where people give and give, without expecting anything in return. It’s also the only holiday that practically forces people to stuff themselves more than the holiday bird.
What a great holiday Thanksgiving is! You wake up, start cooking a great big bird of some kind, usually turkey, get a small breakfast, and start cooking everything else. And by everything else, I mean a whole variety of food! Candied yams. Sweet Potatoes. Mashed Potatoes. Deviled Eggs. Pudding. Jello. Ham. Pumpkin Pie. Cherry Pie. Apple Pie. Pies as far as the eye can see, and that’s just what’s in the oven! Food is bought in family, economy, and truck load sizes, and it’s still not enough! More corn! More celery! More carrots and yams! More beef! More pastries! More pudding and ham! The more food you have, the better the holiday is!
And what happens after Thanksgiving? LEFTOVERS! People get so into the “holiday spirit” that they buy too much food! This is NOT a set back. The more leftovers you have, with as big a party as you can feed, the better your holiday was. And with all of those leftovers, you can feed your household for at least a good week. And that’s usually on Turkey alone. The rest of it works as appetizers to have at any time.
As for the spirit of Thanksgiving, it’s all there. Behind the cakes, and pies and cranberry sauce, there is a moment for giving thanks. Some families have this moment together at the table, just before devouring the feast. Some families don’t have that moment out in the open, but share a private moment or two throughout the day. But, whatever families do on Thanksgiving, they all offer thanks for what they have, and what they had, and every family is happy.
In my opinion, Thanksgiving should be a global holiday. Everyone should pick a single day out of the year, whether it’s the third Thursday of November or another day picked out of the year, I think there should be a day when the entire world takes turns, giving thanks for what we have, who we are, and the world we live in. After all, if we can’t take pride in what we did to this planet, who can?
Thanksgiving is a very unique holiday. It’s the only day of the year where people gather together, without needing to bring gifts or money, or even food in some families, and everyone enjoys a nice holiday meal together. It’s the only holiday where people give and give, without expecting anything in return. It’s also the only holiday that practically forces people to stuff themselves more than the holiday bird.
What a great holiday Thanksgiving is! You wake up, start cooking a great big bird of some kind, usually turkey, get a small breakfast, and start cooking everything else. And by everything else, I mean a whole variety of food! Candied yams. Sweet Potatoes. Mashed Potatoes. Deviled Eggs. Pudding. Jello. Ham. Pumpkin Pie. Cherry Pie. Apple Pie. Pies as far as the eye can see, and that’s just what’s in the oven! Food is bought in family, economy, and truck load sizes, and it’s still not enough! More corn! More celery! More carrots and yams! More beef! More pastries! More pudding and ham! The more food you have, the better the holiday is!
And what happens after Thanksgiving? LEFTOVERS! People get so into the “holiday spirit” that they buy too much food! This is NOT a set back. The more leftovers you have, with as big a party as you can feed, the better your holiday was. And with all of those leftovers, you can feed your household for at least a good week. And that’s usually on Turkey alone. The rest of it works as appetizers to have at any time.
As for the spirit of Thanksgiving, it’s all there. Behind the cakes, and pies and cranberry sauce, there is a moment for giving thanks. Some families have this moment together at the table, just before devouring the feast. Some families don’t have that moment out in the open, but share a private moment or two throughout the day. But, whatever families do on Thanksgiving, they all offer thanks for what they have, and what they had, and every family is happy.
In my opinion, Thanksgiving should be a global holiday. Everyone should pick a single day out of the year, whether it’s the third Thursday of November or another day picked out of the year, I think there should be a day when the entire world takes turns, giving thanks for what we have, who we are, and the world we live in. After all, if we can’t take pride in what we did to this planet, who can?
Wednesday, October 31, 2007
Happy Halloween!
I figured I had to do something for this holiday, so here it is.
Enjoy.
The Raven Program
Parody of:
The Raven
By: Edgar Allan Poe
Once upon a night so clearly, while I web surfed weekend dreary,
Over many a strange and spurious websites of abandoned lore,
While I whistled, nearly singing, suddenly there came a pinging,
As of some one loudly ringing, ringing through my hard drive's snore.
`Some advertisement,' I muttered, `pinging through my hard drive's snore -
Just an ad, and nothing more.'
Ah, distinctly I remember the address of distant ember,
And how soon I had become a member wrought with duties upon chore.
Eagerly I wished the morrow; - vainly I had sought to borrow
From the web barren of sorrow - sorrow from things I abhor -
For the rare and blessed moment from the duties I abhor -
Forgotten for evermore.
And the constant ping unbroken chiming in and distracting again
Thrilled me - filled me with eccentric rages never felt before;
So that now, to still the pounding of my fist, I sat still sounding
`'Tis some dumb ad entreating notice that I account for -
Some advertisement entreating notice that I account for; -
This it is, and nothing more,'
Certain then my click was mellow; strange new words sang from a fellow,
`Sir,' said he, `or Madam, truly this new product you adore;
But to win you must keep ringing, till you gently hear some singing,
Or we'll just continue pinging, pinging through our advert's door,
And then you must take a survey' - here I clicked upon the door; -
Pure white there, and nothing more.
Deep into that white light peering, long I sat there wondering, fearing,
Doubting, dreaming dreams no surfer ever dared to dream before
But the silence was unbroken, and the white screen gave no token,
So I thought the site was broken as I listened to the snore
As I mumbled, there was nothing murmured back through quiet snore
Just my clicking, nothing more.
Back onto my homepage turning, all my soul within me burning,
Soon again I heard a pinging somewhat louder than before.
`Surely,' said I, `surely there is someway to grant silence to this;
Let me see then, what then this is, and this annoyance explore -
Let my heart be still a moment and this annoyance explore; -
'Tis a bug and nothing more!'
Upon now my click did stutter, when, with many a flirt and flutter,
There now stepped a glowing raven like I'd never seen before.
Not one greeting had made he; not a minute stopped or stayed he;
But, with air that was quite kingly, there he sat upon the floor -
Perched upon my startup menu just above my taskbar floor -
Perched, and sat, and nothing more.
Then my interest of his charming turned my frenzy into warming,
By its sternness and behavior and the red glow that it wore,
`Though I know not what you're craven, you,' I said, `are sure no haven.
Grimly staring glowing raven wandering 'round my desktop shore -
Tell me what advert has sent you' and I clicked upon his shore
Quoth the server, `404'
Strange, I marveled, to click this fowl and see discourse so plainly,
Though this still had little meaning - little relevancy bore;
For we cannot help agreeing that no living human being
Ever yet was blessed with seeing ads without alternate store -
Bird or beast above the taskbar and without an attached store,
One that replied '404'
But the web site, sitting lonely in the browser, just showed only,
That server, as if made souly for one to find the door.
Nothing further for me to see - I clicked on back, my browser now free -
As I scarcely more than muttered `'Tis still better than before -
Perhaps I think I will keep him, as he's shown nothing before.'
Then the site read, `404'
Startled at the web site broken, my reply was aptly spoken,
`Doubtless,' said I, `what it shows here can't simply be its full bore,
Written by unhappy masters whose unmerciful disaster
Followed fast and followed faster till this site became a chore -
With the duties of this member's melancholy laden chore
Till the site's nevermore.'
But the raven sat there smiling at my sad soul as it's riling,
Quick I wheeled the mouse away in front of bird and taskbar floor;
Then, I sat on the chair thinking, I could feel my hopes were sinking
Problem unto problem, linking to this ominous bird of yore -
Could this grim, ungainly, gaunt, and ominous bird of yore
Be causing this '404?'
This I sat engaged in guessing, but no syllable expressing
To the fowl whose fiery eyes now burned so bright my eyes were sore;
This and more I sat divining, with my head at ease reclining
In my hands it was residing, the monitor lighted o'er,
Like the raven was residing within the screen lighting o'er,
Who shall impress nevermore!
Then, methought, the screen grew darker, filtered from an unseen marker
Caused by advertisements which should not be haunting anymore.
`Wretch,' I cried, `I shall yet spite thee - with a keystroke I shall smite thee
Depart - depart and forget you had ever walked here before!'
I quit the program and tried again, but it was just like before.
Quoth the server, `404'
`Raven?' I laughed, `More like Weevil! - Never will I keep your evil! -
Programmed with a distinct pleasure, killing servers I adore!
Challenged, though I am undaunted, with but one click unenchanted -
From my home, leave me unhaunted - you will return to folklore!'
Then I restored the computer - but didn't go to folklore...
Quoth the server, `404'
`Raven!' said I, `You'll not beat me!' as I clicked again without glee,
But the Raven sat there looking out - and it laughed in an uproar.
Still I knew I could defeat it, without power it will acquit,
I pushed the power button lit, but the Raven laughed all the more.
Clasping the cord, I pulled in fit, but the Raven laughed all the more.
Quoth the server, `404'
`Say your prayers, soon you'll be parting, for destruction you are charting!
I will smash the screen you tempted to steal from my computer core!
Leaving black plumes as a token of the fiend you have awoken!
For this I will leave you broken!' and I smashed it on the floor.
And it flashed there with a start, still displaying it on the floor.
Quoth the server, `404'
And the raven, never flitting, still is sitting, still is sitting
On the monitor I shattered when I threw it on the floor;
And his eyes have all the seeming of a demon's that is dreaming,
And the back-light that is streaming throws his form upon the door;
And I sit there in the shadows being stared at from the door
And shall web surf - nevermore!
Enjoy.
The Raven Program
Parody of:
The Raven
By: Edgar Allan Poe
Once upon a night so clearly, while I web surfed weekend dreary,
Over many a strange and spurious websites of abandoned lore,
While I whistled, nearly singing, suddenly there came a pinging,
As of some one loudly ringing, ringing through my hard drive's snore.
`Some advertisement,' I muttered, `pinging through my hard drive's snore -
Just an ad, and nothing more.'
Ah, distinctly I remember the address of distant ember,
And how soon I had become a member wrought with duties upon chore.
Eagerly I wished the morrow; - vainly I had sought to borrow
From the web barren of sorrow - sorrow from things I abhor -
For the rare and blessed moment from the duties I abhor -
Forgotten for evermore.
And the constant ping unbroken chiming in and distracting again
Thrilled me - filled me with eccentric rages never felt before;
So that now, to still the pounding of my fist, I sat still sounding
`'Tis some dumb ad entreating notice that I account for -
Some advertisement entreating notice that I account for; -
This it is, and nothing more,'
Certain then my click was mellow; strange new words sang from a fellow,
`Sir,' said he, `or Madam, truly this new product you adore;
But to win you must keep ringing, till you gently hear some singing,
Or we'll just continue pinging, pinging through our advert's door,
And then you must take a survey' - here I clicked upon the door; -
Pure white there, and nothing more.
Deep into that white light peering, long I sat there wondering, fearing,
Doubting, dreaming dreams no surfer ever dared to dream before
But the silence was unbroken, and the white screen gave no token,
So I thought the site was broken as I listened to the snore
As I mumbled, there was nothing murmured back through quiet snore
Just my clicking, nothing more.
Back onto my homepage turning, all my soul within me burning,
Soon again I heard a pinging somewhat louder than before.
`Surely,' said I, `surely there is someway to grant silence to this;
Let me see then, what then this is, and this annoyance explore -
Let my heart be still a moment and this annoyance explore; -
'Tis a bug and nothing more!'
Upon now my click did stutter, when, with many a flirt and flutter,
There now stepped a glowing raven like I'd never seen before.
Not one greeting had made he; not a minute stopped or stayed he;
But, with air that was quite kingly, there he sat upon the floor -
Perched upon my startup menu just above my taskbar floor -
Perched, and sat, and nothing more.
Then my interest of his charming turned my frenzy into warming,
By its sternness and behavior and the red glow that it wore,
`Though I know not what you're craven, you,' I said, `are sure no haven.
Grimly staring glowing raven wandering 'round my desktop shore -
Tell me what advert has sent you' and I clicked upon his shore
Quoth the server, `404'
Strange, I marveled, to click this fowl and see discourse so plainly,
Though this still had little meaning - little relevancy bore;
For we cannot help agreeing that no living human being
Ever yet was blessed with seeing ads without alternate store -
Bird or beast above the taskbar and without an attached store,
One that replied '404'
But the web site, sitting lonely in the browser, just showed only,
That server, as if made souly for one to find the door.
Nothing further for me to see - I clicked on back, my browser now free -
As I scarcely more than muttered `'Tis still better than before -
Perhaps I think I will keep him, as he's shown nothing before.'
Then the site read, `404'
Startled at the web site broken, my reply was aptly spoken,
`Doubtless,' said I, `what it shows here can't simply be its full bore,
Written by unhappy masters whose unmerciful disaster
Followed fast and followed faster till this site became a chore -
With the duties of this member's melancholy laden chore
Till the site's nevermore.'
But the raven sat there smiling at my sad soul as it's riling,
Quick I wheeled the mouse away in front of bird and taskbar floor;
Then, I sat on the chair thinking, I could feel my hopes were sinking
Problem unto problem, linking to this ominous bird of yore -
Could this grim, ungainly, gaunt, and ominous bird of yore
Be causing this '404?'
This I sat engaged in guessing, but no syllable expressing
To the fowl whose fiery eyes now burned so bright my eyes were sore;
This and more I sat divining, with my head at ease reclining
In my hands it was residing, the monitor lighted o'er,
Like the raven was residing within the screen lighting o'er,
Who shall impress nevermore!
Then, methought, the screen grew darker, filtered from an unseen marker
Caused by advertisements which should not be haunting anymore.
`Wretch,' I cried, `I shall yet spite thee - with a keystroke I shall smite thee
Depart - depart and forget you had ever walked here before!'
I quit the program and tried again, but it was just like before.
Quoth the server, `404'
`Raven?' I laughed, `More like Weevil! - Never will I keep your evil! -
Programmed with a distinct pleasure, killing servers I adore!
Challenged, though I am undaunted, with but one click unenchanted -
From my home, leave me unhaunted - you will return to folklore!'
Then I restored the computer - but didn't go to folklore...
Quoth the server, `404'
`Raven!' said I, `You'll not beat me!' as I clicked again without glee,
But the Raven sat there looking out - and it laughed in an uproar.
Still I knew I could defeat it, without power it will acquit,
I pushed the power button lit, but the Raven laughed all the more.
Clasping the cord, I pulled in fit, but the Raven laughed all the more.
Quoth the server, `404'
`Say your prayers, soon you'll be parting, for destruction you are charting!
I will smash the screen you tempted to steal from my computer core!
Leaving black plumes as a token of the fiend you have awoken!
For this I will leave you broken!' and I smashed it on the floor.
And it flashed there with a start, still displaying it on the floor.
Quoth the server, `404'
And the raven, never flitting, still is sitting, still is sitting
On the monitor I shattered when I threw it on the floor;
And his eyes have all the seeming of a demon's that is dreaming,
And the back-light that is streaming throws his form upon the door;
And I sit there in the shadows being stared at from the door
And shall web surf - nevermore!
Friday, August 24, 2007
Special Delivery
Why do people celebrate their birthdays? Can anyone tell me? What’s the significance of celebrating the day you were born? Don’t get me wrong, I love the day. You get all kinds of presents or money, or, even if you are alone, you can always use it as an excuse to eat fattening food like cake without anyone yelling at you. But it has always been a mystery, to many people, why you would celebrate on this day.
Before we dive too far into that, let’s get one thing straight here. It is NOT your birthday. It is, in fact, the anniversary of the day you were born. With the way it’s named, and how some people celebrate it, you’d swear the person was born each and every year all over again. If that was the case, trust me on this one, the mother would have killed herself LONG ago.
Now that we have this settled, let’s begin the discussion. Why do people celebrate this day? The only reason it’s on the day it’s on is because you were stuck in your mother’s body and wanted out. So, is it a celebration of the day you escaped? Why does the mother celebrate this day with you? Imagine all of the pain she was put through while you were ‘escaping’ that day. That doesn’t seem like such a fond memory. Then again, she might be celebrating the day her initial ‘burden’ was finally relieved. The father’s part is obvious. In fact, I bet it was the father’s idea to come up with this day, just so he can say, “Yup, I did that! And it’s stayed alive this long so far!” The kid celebrating is just going along with it. “Hey, I get stuff for free, I can eat cake and ice cream without my parents yelling at me, and I can do anything I want!” Okay, that’s not how it is for everyone, but some kids are treated better then others.
It’s not even accurate anyway! Everyone says you are ‘so many’ years old TODAY! But, actually, you are ‘so many’ years and about nine months. Let’s not forget the time you spent in the womb. You were alive then too. So, you are not that old, you are older, by almost a full year! So, the birthday celebration is on the wrong day anyway. It should be the day of conception. It was a lot more fun anyway, don’t you think? Certainly a much fonder memory, and the day would be accurate for the kid’s age. Then again, I don’t think we need to traumatize little Timmy any more than we already do when we tell him how he was made. The last thing we need is a bunch of adults, gathering around the conception-day presents and telling stories.
Now, I’m not telling everyone to stop celebrating birthdays, nor am I saying you should celebrate them differently, but I do want you all to think about it. Next time you blow out those candles, think about the years ahead of you, as the cake becomes more and more of a fire hazard, and as your own children celebrate their ‘birthdays’ along with you, and think about everything I’ve said here. If nothing else, I hope it brings a little chuckle.
To everyone celebrating, Happy Anniversary.
Before we dive too far into that, let’s get one thing straight here. It is NOT your birthday. It is, in fact, the anniversary of the day you were born. With the way it’s named, and how some people celebrate it, you’d swear the person was born each and every year all over again. If that was the case, trust me on this one, the mother would have killed herself LONG ago.
Now that we have this settled, let’s begin the discussion. Why do people celebrate this day? The only reason it’s on the day it’s on is because you were stuck in your mother’s body and wanted out. So, is it a celebration of the day you escaped? Why does the mother celebrate this day with you? Imagine all of the pain she was put through while you were ‘escaping’ that day. That doesn’t seem like such a fond memory. Then again, she might be celebrating the day her initial ‘burden’ was finally relieved. The father’s part is obvious. In fact, I bet it was the father’s idea to come up with this day, just so he can say, “Yup, I did that! And it’s stayed alive this long so far!” The kid celebrating is just going along with it. “Hey, I get stuff for free, I can eat cake and ice cream without my parents yelling at me, and I can do anything I want!” Okay, that’s not how it is for everyone, but some kids are treated better then others.
It’s not even accurate anyway! Everyone says you are ‘so many’ years old TODAY! But, actually, you are ‘so many’ years and about nine months. Let’s not forget the time you spent in the womb. You were alive then too. So, you are not that old, you are older, by almost a full year! So, the birthday celebration is on the wrong day anyway. It should be the day of conception. It was a lot more fun anyway, don’t you think? Certainly a much fonder memory, and the day would be accurate for the kid’s age. Then again, I don’t think we need to traumatize little Timmy any more than we already do when we tell him how he was made. The last thing we need is a bunch of adults, gathering around the conception-day presents and telling stories.
Now, I’m not telling everyone to stop celebrating birthdays, nor am I saying you should celebrate them differently, but I do want you all to think about it. Next time you blow out those candles, think about the years ahead of you, as the cake becomes more and more of a fire hazard, and as your own children celebrate their ‘birthdays’ along with you, and think about everything I’ve said here. If nothing else, I hope it brings a little chuckle.
To everyone celebrating, Happy Anniversary.
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