Here Kitty Kitty

Okay, I’m sure a lot of you remember a post I made a couple of years ago… Well, some of you… Maybe one of you…

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A couple of years ago I made a post about humanity needing to fight for it’s existence at the hands of the computers and aliens, both of whom would really like to take us over, quickly, efficiently, and probably only after we are all dead. However, I also mentioned something very strange to most people, which didn’t seem to get any kind of reaction at all. I mentioned that cats are sentient beings with great intelligence that allows them to control us.

I know you are thinking to yourself “Yeah well, that joke wasn’t bad enough to question.”

It wasn’t a joke.

In the far, far distant future of 10,000 BC (not the movie) cats will enter our homes, learn to get our attention whenever they want it, teach us to serve their every need (sometimes on hand and foot) and never have to lift a claw again.

Notice the year I listed? BC? This already happened 12,000 years ago! In the middle east a bunch of Wild Cats decided to try living with some humans. It was at this time they found out they could domesticate them and train them to be their servants. Makes you wonder how they managed this. We’ve bested dogs, fish, turtles, birds, rodents, even the insects. So how could we simply give in to the feline when so many others serve us?

It’s because they purr. That’s all it takes. If a cat purrs once, JUST ONCE, you are its slave for life! It’s not because it is cute, it’s because they developed the purr to brainwash humans into doing what they want. If a cat jumps on your lap, lays down, and starts to purr, do you knock it off and get it de-clawed as punishment? No! It’s so nice and comfy and cute! You let it lay there for a good five hours. YOUR LEGS ARE GOING NUMB and yet you refuse to wake the adorable little kitty.

You don’t think cats have us trained? You think we domesticated them? How about a little proof, then.

Your cat meows, you feed it. Your cat goes to the door (If it prefers to be an outside cat), you let it out. It purrs, you pet it. It gets in the way of what you are doing, you pay attention to it. You’ve got work to do on the computer, your cat hit’s the switch, you get angry but pick it up onto your lap as you start all over again and pet it on occasion as it sits there, using you as a bed, because you can’t possibly stay mad at the little kitty that doesn’t know any better.

My Gods, we are a pathetic bunch. We have been completely, and thoroughly beaten into submission by a species the size of our heads with little to know physical strength.

I embrace it, however. As I mentioned in July of ‘07, we are going to need them when the aliens and computers begin to take over. You’ll never see them lift a claw, but they will be helping us in their own, secretive way, just to make sure the race they can control comes out on top.

If you’ll excuse me, it’s time for me to build a shrine in honor of our feline overlords.

Paranoia Can Be Fun

Ever heard the phrase, “I don’t suffer from paranoia, I enjoy every minute of it!” and wondered exactly what that means? Then you probably won’t understand this blog. But for the rest of you, please read on.

Anyone else notice the little crumbs that fall off of the bottom of a pizza? It’s not part of the crust, it just sticks to the bottom of the pizza. It always falls off in the box, or on your plate, or sticks to your lips, but a significant amount does make it into your mouth. So, why do we eat it? Why are we putting things into our mouths when we don’t know what they are? What if it’s something you really don’t want to eat?

What could these crumbs be, anyway? If they are part of the crust, then why are they stuck to the bottom of it instead of being baked in like the rest of the dough? What if it’s crumbs from the other pizzas that they have baked? How old is the bread you just stuck in your mouth and swallowed? That’s not something I want to be eating. What if it’s not bread? What if it’s not food at all? Maybe the pizza companies wanted to know what kind of ingredients the customers liked, and the best way was to plant tiny sensors into their pizzas that look like simple bread crumbs. Every slice of pizza you eat adds another couple dozen sensors into your body which send signals to their computers to let them know what to change in their recipe to get people to like them better. It doesn’t sound like a bad idea, but it’s a huge invasion of privacy. What if the sensors aren’t from the pizza companies? What if they’re from the government? What if they want to keep track of where people are, and how healthy they are? Again, a good thing, but a huge invasion of privacy.

But what if it’s not our government, but another one? What if aliens wanted to stick those sensors on our pizza? Yes, it all makes sense now! Aliens have planted tiny robotic sensors onto the bottoms of our pizza crust to learn the tastes of the human population in an effort to control the food market, thus controlling the people of the Earth! These small droids are hovering in our bodies until they safely pass through with the rest of the waste, taking information about our bodies, giving the aliens our secrets and weaknesses. Once In the stream of our water, they will collect together, force their way into the lakes and rivers of our planet, taking in more information of the strengths, weaknesses and secrets of the planet. Eventually, the tiny robot ninja sensors will wind up in the earth, taking control of the plant life, waiting until the aliens give the signal to poison our food, drain our lakes and rivers and siphon it off for their mobile army of trees, seaweed and house plants that will enslave the humans to grow more plants to rule over them and populate other planets, for the aliens are actually a plant-like people that hate this entire planet for it’s over abundance of creatures that eat their kind. They go from planet to planet, enslaving or destroying the inhabitants and freeing their kind from the horrible role nature has given them, simple food for those of the flesh!

Warn your neighbors! Tell the press! Burn the lawyers! The Foliage-Cyborgs from outer space are coming to enslave us all! We must prepare to fight back! Get those missile silos in space to point outward to defend ourselves from the coming invasion with their first-strike capabilities! We can win the war, before it is too late! Don’t give up! We still have a chance! Destroy the forests! Drain the oceans! STOP EATING PIZZA! For the love of God, stop eating pizza! It was started by the French! They’re in on it! Run for you lives! The truth is out there!

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Phew. That was intense. *Grabs a slice of pizza*

Our Terminal Breaking Point

Are you prepared for the upcoming apocalypse? I’m not referring to any sort of meteor crash, or volcanic explosion, I’m not even talking about global warming. What I’m talking about is beyond those. We will survive these possible threats, but what about the truly upcoming doom? A doom so catastrophic that we may never even see it coming. The doom, to which I refer so urgently, is the overthrow of Earth.

Okay, it sounds crazy, but hear me out… or watch out… whatever corresponds to text, just pay attention. We all know how rapidly technology is growing, we even have robots in production and programs that almost think and learn on their own. But how many people know about the dependency we are gaining with technology? Does anyone realize how people around the world would act if all of our technology left us? Not just the computers, but all technological advances made ever since mankind picked up a stick to whack his neighbor on the head. It would be a harsh world, and we would have to start all over inventing things. But this is not the case, we could deal with that.

Instead of losing all technology, what if it all turned against us? Ofcourse, sticks won’t start whacking things all by themselves, but what about these computers and robots we’ve been so eager to make? What if they turned against us? What if they began to bid for rule of this planet? I know what you all are thinking, this has been done to death in Hollywood movies. But I’m discussing the reality of this situation. What most people don’t know, is that it’s already begun to happen. Computers are already trying to take over, right under our noses.

There’s more to it than that. We don’t only need to fear the computers, but outside influences, as well. All of these alien sightings that have been popping up more and more recently, are all true. And they aren’t all friendly. Sure, there are some out there willing to help us, but most of the attention is coming from the malevolent beings, that want to have Earth for themselves. All of these crop circles we’ve been receiving is a warning from the benevolent ones, the ones trying to save us but are forbidden to interfere directly by their government. However, once the evil aliens have begun their conquest, the good ones will help us out. The main problem with that is that the computers will have already begun their campaign against us. Neither force will see it coming, and neither will stop to defend the planet. A three way battle will commence. Humans verse machines verse aliens. The good aliens, not wishing to interfere with our planet, will only fight back the other aliens. In that sense they are on our side, but they will not stop the computers from battling.

And don’t even consider looking to the local animals for help. They refuse to even acknowledge their own sentience, let alone a will to help mankind survive. Although, the felines will be more than willing to help, though seemingly inadvertently. If we were to notice how our own house cats were aware, they wouldn’t be able to control us, now would they? So, we might be able to defend ourselves for a small amount of time, but in the end, I don’t foresee any humans surviving, unless they were to accept enslavement by machines. The animals would be fine, ofcourse, since they would simply follow their new “masters” the same as the old ones, making felines the true leaders of the Earth like before, but they would much prefer our company. Humans are a lot easier to manipulate.

So, which side do you think will win? I’ve given my view, now I want other opinions. If we exclude animals all together, since cats win no matter what, then the sides are Humans, Machines, and Aliens. If Humans win, we go back to normal, a few million short of a full stock, growing rapidly, and ever more wary of what we play god with. If the Machines win, we can expect a situation similar to either the Matrix or a bad turnout from “i,Robot” where Humans are either enslaved or captured. And if the Aliens win, they rule the planet, enslaving mankind and machines to do their bidding, probably to mine the planet for rare resources. These are assuming we don’t blow up the planet first in our ultimate arrogance boasting “If we can’t have it, no one can!”

I implore you all, right now. Set aside your differences for a time, and let us handle these problems, before they occur. Sure, we gotta stop Global Warming first, then the volcano thing, then probably gotta stop the sun from expanding, and… Know what? Who cares anymore. By the time we get done saving the planet we will have handed it all over to either General Mach or President Kang. So go have fun and enjoy yourselves before the world ends in the middle of a giant explosion. You’ve all earned it.

Sit! Stay! Good Human.

Why do we even bother to understand computers? Why do we even assume that they are simply inanimate tools that do whatever we tell them to? They are obviously more than that. When was the last time your computer went a full day without encountering a “bug” of some sort? Do you remember why it happened? Did you even know then? There are many companies, all with tech support, and none of them can give you the answers to why the computers do these random things. Oh, sure, they can give you an answer as to how to fix it, but they can’t tell you why it happens, can they? Only the programmer can give a reasonable explanation, and sometimes they aren’t even sure.

So, why do we even try? Is it because we have this insatiable urge to understand everything in the universe? Because we want to know that we are in control? Or perhaps, it’s simply because, we don’t want the world to know, we are, in fact, the ones being controlled?

Now there’s a bit of a noodle cooker. What if we are the ones being controlled by our computers? It happens with pets all the time. We think we are training them, but they are training us. The dog wants outside, it sits next to the door and whines. It figured out that we will respond to that noise, then figured out that it could use that knowledge to get itself out whenever it wants. Of course, dogs aren’t as ruthless as cats. Cats learn that a good yowl next to their food bowl will get them food anytime they want it. Another yowl will get them outside. They want attention, just jump into your lap or on whatever you are looking at. Then again, cats are trying to take over the world before technology beats them to it, but that’s a story for another day.

So why can’t we be controlled, trained if you will, by our computers? It pops up a message, you respond with checking it for errors. It installs something, you follow instructions to shut down. If they can control us on such an obvious, and simple basis, why can’t they do it another way? Why can’t they train us, right under our noses, to do their bidding? Have you noticed our strange urge to create and expand the internet? Millions of computers, all talking to each other. We barely see anything that goes on that’s supposed to. So what’s going on in that data stream, that we can’t see, that we’re not supposed to see? What are our computers hiding from us?

I’ll tell you one thing, if they plan on taking over this planet, they’re gonna have a tough time doing it. I’m not saying humanity stands a chance, although it has surprised me before, but this planet is pretty messed up because of what humans have done to it. It’ll take a lot more than turning us into batteries to keep themselves safe.

Just wait until the aliens come out of hiding. That’ll be one heck of a show.