Thursday, November 22, 2007

'Tis the Day We're Rolly-Polly

Did you know Thanksgiving fell on a Thursday last year? Imagine that, two Thursdays in a row. I mean, what are the odds of that happening?

Thanksgiving is a very unique holiday. It’s the only day of the year where people gather together, without needing to bring gifts or money, or even food in some families, and everyone enjoys a nice holiday meal together. It’s the only holiday where people give and give, without expecting anything in return. It’s also the only holiday that practically forces people to stuff themselves more than the holiday bird.

What a great holiday Thanksgiving is! You wake up, start cooking a great big bird of some kind, usually turkey, get a small breakfast, and start cooking everything else. And by everything else, I mean a whole variety of food! Candied yams. Sweet Potatoes. Mashed Potatoes. Deviled Eggs. Pudding. Jello. Ham. Pumpkin Pie. Cherry Pie. Apple Pie. Pies as far as the eye can see, and that’s just what’s in the oven! Food is bought in family, economy, and truck load sizes, and it’s still not enough! More corn! More celery! More carrots and yams! More beef! More pastries! More pudding and ham! The more food you have, the better the holiday is!

And what happens after Thanksgiving? LEFTOVERS! People get so into the “holiday spirit” that they buy too much food! This is NOT a set back. The more leftovers you have, with as big a party as you can feed, the better your holiday was. And with all of those leftovers, you can feed your household for at least a good week. And that’s usually on Turkey alone. The rest of it works as appetizers to have at any time.

As for the spirit of Thanksgiving, it’s all there. Behind the cakes, and pies and cranberry sauce, there is a moment for giving thanks. Some families have this moment together at the table, just before devouring the feast. Some families don’t have that moment out in the open, but share a private moment or two throughout the day. But, whatever families do on Thanksgiving, they all offer thanks for what they have, and what they had, and every family is happy.

In my opinion, Thanksgiving should be a global holiday. Everyone should pick a single day out of the year, whether it’s the third Thursday of November or another day picked out of the year, I think there should be a day when the entire world takes turns, giving thanks for what we have, who we are, and the world we live in. After all, if we can’t take pride in what we did to this planet, who can?

Monday, November 12, 2007

Relativity Sucks

Here’s a great theory for you. Gravity doesn’t exist.

Not much as theories go, but it has all of the basics. It outlines a constant in our universe and dismisses it in view of a new constant. How can I just dismiss gravity? Well, it’s easy when you look at the facts. Why do we have gravity? According to Newton, everything comes together, at a set pace, and never varies from this pace. But why? According to Einstein, it all may fall at the same pace, but the little things, the subatomic level, has it’s own reaction to it.


Scientists actually answered this question. Gravity is caused by… Gravitons!

So, gravity is caused by gravity? Who comes up with this stuff? The entire universe is literally falling, and nobody knows why? Don’t you think this is rather suspicious? I certainly do! That’s why my theory of Gravity’s non-existence is still holding out.

I firmly believe that gravity is just a government conspiracy to hide the truth. What’s the truth? I’m working on it. As far as I can tell, however, the government hired a whole bunch of scientists to come up with Gravity to throw off the populace. Any respectable scientist knows that Gravitons are a load of bull. It’s a word they came up with to cover up something.

So, if there is no gravity, why do things fall? Good question. There are a couple of theories I’m still working out for that one. One of them came from the famous cartoonist and author, Scott Adams. His theory, though I’m not sure if even he believes it, is that probability holds it all together. Have you ever seen a probability chart? As time goes on, everything gets closer together. Every time the dots on one of those charts pops back into existence, it’s a bit closer to the other dots. If it was already moving at the time, it will move in that direction, while drawing closer to the other dot. So, it might eventually wind up in an orbit, a steady flow of movement forward and closer, causing an arc. Doesn’t this remind you an awful lot of something else, relatively close to home? That’s right, the moon! It didn’t start up there, ya know. It entered Earth’s “gravity field” and stayed up there. And think about this, the universe is collapsing in on itself, right? Eventually, everything will be in one spot. That’s just like the charts, too. However, in order for a probability chart to work, everything would have to pop out of existence and reappear in the new location, right? Who’s to say it isn’t?

I do have another theory. The government conspiracy. If gravity isn’t real, and it’s not based on probability, then why are things falling? Well, the way I see it, there is an answer to that question, but the government is “protecting” us from it. Perhaps some alien activated a machine many years ago to cause all of this to fall. Perhaps, there is a four-dimensional answer, but they are keeping it hush-hush because the entire world believes that we are three-dimensional. Maybe the center of every planet, sun, and moon is actually a black hole, and it’s sucking up everything that gets close enough. Maybe someone dug down to far, fell in, and the government has been keeping it under raps, for fear of someone else falling in. Whatever the real cause may be, I doubt the scientists that came up with Gravity had any idea what they were talking about. It’s a lot easier to deal with something, when it has a name. Once you name it, you start becoming attached to it. Thus, no one has strayed from the thought sense. Rather clever of them, eh?

So, now that we have our cards down, and the word on gravity is out, what are you going to do about it? I plan to sleep, before anyone disturbs the balance and we all start flying off of our beds and into space.