Sunday, June 14, 2009
The bugs are at it again! You all know the bugs I'm referring to. They attack every week. Those filthy, disgusting, sickening, repulsive, hateful, awful, revolting, shameless Peanut Butter Bugs!
Yeah, you've seen their work. Every time you buy a new jar of peanut butter, they're all over it. Before you know it, the entire jar is gone! You only had one, maybe two sandwiches out of it. This doesn't happen with people living by themselves or couples. No, it doesn't like small groups. Get three or more people in one place, though, and they're all over that jar. They never quit.
Why, you may ask, do they not like small groups? Wouldn't they get more peanut butter if they went after the lonely person? Because they are noticed more easily that way. You grab the first sandwich from the jar, and suddenly it's empty? That person would know something was up. It's the same reason they wait until you open the jar to start chowing down. Yes... They're clever little vermin.
This is only the beginning, however, of a much bigger problem! That problem lives in an underlying, parallel universe. It's not so close that we can see it, but it is not so far that we can't interact. This is why our stuff goes missing. This is why some of it comes back. This is why things get destroyed. And this is why no one can be found who is to blame.
This is the realm of the Nothings.
These creatures, some intelligent, some not, are there to run our world from the shadows. The most intelligent, and amiable species in this realm makes sure everything in our realm stays the way it is, and that everything is right where you left it. These are what I like to call Little Blue Men. They're not perfect, though. They do tend to make mistakes. If you left something in a not so obvious place, and they forgot to put it there when you went to look, you won't find it. However, when they remember to put it back, you'll find it right where you left it, probably an hour later.
There are those among the Little Blue Men, who are significantly more malevolent, though. These are the ones that work, in small ways, to take everything you have. These people are responsible for those missing socks, balloons suddenly popping, computers randomly shutting off, and things winding up in the most bizarre locations. When your keys end up in the freezer, your entire bag of laundry is discovered in the shed, your save files go missing, or you just can't seem to find that portable fan on the hottest day of the year, it's because they had a hand in it. And they take special delight in giving things back to you almost immediately after you bought a replacement, making the purchase completely pointless.
Oh, and don't think Peanut Butter Bugs are the only creatures in their world, either. You'll find all sorts of pests living there. There's one for the milk, one for mayo, one for the cheese, one for the meat, and even one for the hot cocoa mix. The more something is opened, the more bugs it will have, and the faster it will go, seemingly without cause.
How do we stop these bugs? Unfortunately, you can't. While they are able to interact with our world, we have yet to discover a way to interact with theirs. You'll know when they've targeted your food stuffs when everything seems to slowly drain away, and yet the top of it is still smooth. You can't really tell with the liquids, but with something like peanut butter, you'll see a perfectly smooth top, when you know you gouged out the center, and you'll know the bugs were there. You're only hope is to move out of your house, and away from the rest of those people. Like I said earlier, they don't like loners or couples. Any more than two people, and they'll start targeting you. You may not be able to get rid of the evil Little Blue Men, but it's possible to live a life without their creatures.
Good luck to you all in avoiding this plague on our supplies. And if anyone finds a way to stop them, please tell me, and I will salute you for it, as well as generously offer you 20% of the royalties from the patent.