Sunday, June 14, 2009

How did that happen?

The bugs are at it again! You all know the bugs I'm referring to. They attack every week. Those filthy, disgusting, sickening, repulsive, hateful, awful, revolting, shameless Peanut Butter Bugs!

Yeah, you've seen their work. Every time you buy a new jar of peanut butter, they're all over it. Before you know it, the entire jar is gone! You only had one, maybe two sandwiches out of it. This doesn't happen with people living by themselves or couples. No, it doesn't like small groups. Get three or more people in one place, though, and they're all over that jar. They never quit.

Why, you may ask, do they not like small groups? Wouldn't they get more peanut butter if they went after the lonely person? Because they are noticed more easily that way. You grab the first sandwich from the jar, and suddenly it's empty? That person would know something was up. It's the same reason they wait until you open the jar to start chowing down. Yes... They're clever little vermin.

This is only the beginning, however, of a much bigger problem! That problem lives in an underlying, parallel universe. It's not so close that we can see it, but it is not so far that we can't interact. This is why our stuff goes missing. This is why some of it comes back. This is why things get destroyed. And this is why no one can be found who is to blame.

This is the realm of the Nothings.

These creatures, some intelligent, some not, are there to run our world from the shadows. The most intelligent, and amiable species in this realm makes sure everything in our realm stays the way it is, and that everything is right where you left it. These are what I like to call Little Blue Men. They're not perfect, though. They do tend to make mistakes. If you left something in a not so obvious place, and they forgot to put it there when you went to look, you won't find it. However, when they remember to put it back, you'll find it right where you left it, probably an hour later.

There are those among the Little Blue Men, who are significantly more malevolent, though. These are the ones that work, in small ways, to take everything you have. These people are responsible for those missing socks, balloons suddenly popping, computers randomly shutting off, and things winding up in the most bizarre locations. When your keys end up in the freezer, your entire bag of laundry is discovered in the shed, your save files go missing, or you just can't seem to find that portable fan on the hottest day of the year, it's because they had a hand in it. And they take special delight in giving things back to you almost immediately after you bought a replacement, making the purchase completely pointless.

Oh, and don't think Peanut Butter Bugs are the only creatures in their world, either. You'll find all sorts of pests living there. There's one for the milk, one for mayo, one for the cheese, one for the meat, and even one for the hot cocoa mix. The more something is opened, the more bugs it will have, and the faster it will go, seemingly without cause.

How do we stop these bugs? Unfortunately, you can't. While they are able to interact with our world, we have yet to discover a way to interact with theirs. You'll know when they've targeted your food stuffs when everything seems to slowly drain away, and yet the top of it is still smooth. You can't really tell with the liquids, but with something like peanut butter, you'll see a perfectly smooth top, when you know you gouged out the center, and you'll know the bugs were there. You're only hope is to move out of your house, and away from the rest of those people. Like I said earlier, they don't like loners or couples. Any more than two people, and they'll start targeting you. You may not be able to get rid of the evil Little Blue Men, but it's possible to live a life without their creatures.

Good luck to you all in avoiding this plague on our supplies. And if anyone finds a way to stop them, please tell me, and I will salute you for it, as well as generously offer you 20% of the royalties from the patent.

Sunday, March 15, 2009

... And It Was Good

Today is the worst day you can ever imagine. Streets will be filled with blood. Cemeteries will generate zombies. Birds, bats, and fish will come flying out of nowhere to try to eat your eyes. Every step, pole, ladder, and desk will be out to trip you up and kill you with one well placed blow to the head. Bells will play louder and louder, drilling the same tune into your head all day long until you go mad. Your bank accounts will freeze. You’ll lose your job. Your home will burn down. Your friends will die. Your family will blame you. You’ll be locked up for life or until sweet, sweet death sweeps you away from it all. And, to top it all off, little girls will try to sell you cookies.

And the worst part is, God decided it was so!

That’s right, today is the one day no one is ever safe. For today is:


What, you’re not scared of Sunday the 15th? Why not? You’re scared of its brother, Friday the 13th! Is there any more logic in that? We’ve already had two 13ths on a Friday this year, and there will be another in November. We’ve had millions and billions of 13ths on Fridays since this little dust ball came into existence. The world hasn’t ended yet, right?

Most people who believe that Friday the 13th has any significance at all tend to fall into three categories.

1. They believe it is Bad Luck
2. They believe it is Good Luck
3. They believe it was a great series of Movies

Now, which crowd you’re a part of tends to change your travel plans, right?

1. You stay at home and never leave the comfort of your bed
2. You do all of your business/gambling and enjoy better driving conditions
3. You either go out to the movies or stay at home and watch the entire collection

Whose getting the short end of the stick here? There are 17 million people in the US alone who are scared to death of a number in a certain spot on the calendar! Sure, this superstition goes back nearly to the first millennium after a certain holy figure was mercilessly killed and nailed to some wood for all to see, which also happened to be on a Friday, but that doesn’t mean that it holds any significance, good or bad.

You people need to get it through your heads that this day means nothing unless you make it mean something. That’s how the world works. Nothing means anything until you let it mean that. I say, when you’re feeling spooked about the current day, go outside, get some fresh air, and enjoy better driving conditions because 17 million fools are sitting at home instead of driving to work that day.

Happy Buzzards Day!

Friday, March 13, 2009

Future Travel

Technology is growing quickly. As a result, people are coming up with various ideas of what travel wil be like someday. While some invision flying cars (or as I like to call them, privat jets), others invision teleporters or controlled wormholes which can instantly take you from point A to point B.

You know, in the past we had something similar to this method of transportation. It was called teleporting. You had to study at the finest of mage schools for at least four years in order to learn this skill. After that it was simply a manner of making sure you had enough magic to use, then just teleport. For the non-magicaly inclined, this same feat could be achived with a catapult.

Don't believe me? Of course not. Who would today? With all the technology running around, people have stopped believing in magic. If it can't be explained scientifically, then it can't be real. This is the beliefe that is depriving the world of magic. Of course, I suppose this does benifet those who don't know any magic, but for those of us who do it can make a simple trip to a neighboring dimension a little difficult to pull off.

So in conclusion, enjoy your ideas of future travel while you can. In the end, the whole universe will be made into clockworks and nothing exciting will ever happen again. Everything will have been invented and everything will have been predicted, and you will be left to rot in stasis for all eternity... Unless you're willing to fight against it, that is.

I'm the OmniEpic Wizard, you are not.

Saturday, February 21, 2009

Here Kitty Kitty

Okay, I’m sure a lot of you remember a post I made a couple of years ago… Well, some of you… Maybe one of you…

A couple of years ago I made a post about humanity needing to fight for it’s existence at the hands of the computers and aliens, both of whom would really like to take us over, quickly, efficiently, and probably only after we are all dead. However, I also mentioned something very strange to most people, which didn’t seem to get any kind of reaction at all. I mentioned that cats are sentient beings with great intelligence that allows them to control us.

I know you are thinking to yourself “Yeah well, that joke wasn’t bad enough to question.”

It wasn’t a joke.

In the far, far distant future of 10,000 BC (not the movie) cats will enter our homes, learn to get our attention whenever they want it, teach us to serve their every need (sometimes on hand and foot) and never have to lift a claw again.

Notice the year I listed? BC? This already happened 12,000 years ago! In the middle east a bunch of Wild Cats decided to try living with some humans. It was at this time they found out they could domesticate them and train them to be their servants. Makes you wonder how they managed this. We’ve bested dogs, fish, turtles, birds, rodents, even the insects. So how could we simply give in to the feline when so many others serve us?

It’s because they purr. That’s all it takes. If a cat purrs once, JUST ONCE, you are its slave for life! It’s not because it is cute, it’s because they developed the purr to brainwash humans into doing what they want. If a cat jumps on your lap, lays down, and starts to purr, do you knock it off and get it de-clawed as punishment? No! It’s so nice and comfy and cute! You let it lay there for a good five hours. YOUR LEGS ARE GOING NUMB and yet you refuse to wake the adorable little kitty.

You don’t think cats have us trained? You think we domesticated them? How about a little proof, then.

Your cat meows, you feed it. Your cat goes to the door (If it prefers to be an outside cat), you let it out. It purrs, you pet it. It gets in the way of what you are doing, you pay attention to it. You’ve got work to do on the computer, your cat hit’s the switch, you get angry but pick it up onto your lap as you start all over again and pet it on occasion as it sits there, using you as a bed, because you can’t possibly stay mad at the little kitty that doesn’t know any better.

My Gods, we are a pathetic bunch. We have been completely, and thoroughly beaten into submission by a species the size of our heads with little to know physical strength.

I embrace it, however. As I mentioned in July of ‘07, we are going to need them when the aliens and computers begin to take over. You’ll never see them lift a claw, but they will be helping us in their own, secretive way, just to make sure the race they can control comes out on top.

If you’ll excuse me, it’s time for me to build a shrine in honor of our feline overlords.