Tuesday, May 29, 2007

Tuna again?

I mentioned food a while back, let’s go a bit farther with that. Who gets irritated with indecisive people? Let me set the frame for you, kinda get you into the moment.

A couple are walking through a grocery store. The wife is looking down the many walls of food, thinking of all the things she might need for dinner. It’s just them tonight, and the meal has to be perfect. She thinks about all the dishes she could cook: mashed potatoes, chicken gravy, macaroni salad, beans, cooked carrots, and some wine to wash it all down. Several other ideas enter her head, but she decides to ask her husband first, just to make sure he doesn’t want something special.

“What do you want for dinner tonight, honey?” the wife asks innocently. After a short moment of thought, the husband, looking straight ahead, gives his response.

“I don’t care.”

The same response is usually given in this situation. “Well, I don’t know how to make I Don’t Care.” Ladies, your problem is now solved, for I know how to make I Don’t Care. I must warn you though, this recipe is not for just anyone, only for those that request it. Very few people can handle this dish, and need to want it bad enough to even think about asking for it. And remember, if you want your significant other to love you forever, you should always give them what they want.


- Corn
- Carrots
- Brussel Sprouts
- Eggs
- Dill
- Mayonnaise
- BBQ Sauce
- Tang
- Quik
- Candy Corn
- Marshmallow Cream
- Fudge Bars
- Tapioca Pudding


First, for the main dish, you grab the eggs and begin to make an omelet. Instead of adding in cheese, you substitute it with the marshmallow cream. Side dish one will be a heavenly blend of BBQ sauce, fresh dill and mayonnaise smothering the candy corn. The second side dish needs to be a little bit more filling, to counter the candy corn, so we’ll go with the brussel sprouts. Simply place them all in the tapioca pudding, preferably of the vanilla flavor, and place a decent-sized plop onto the plate. Most people would consider this to be a disgusting combination, but you’d be amazed how easily the flavor turns around when you wash it down with a delicious beverage. Just take the tang and quik and blend them into the perfect chaser for this meal.

And what’s a great dinner without desert? Most people say desert should be there to spoil the diner, one final sweet treat. A lot of people also say that sweet foods can harm you. Why not have it both ways? Take the fudge bars we have saved for last and fill them with tiny bits of corn. Now, corn isn’t enough to counteract the fudge, especially with all that starch, so we take the final ingredient, the carrots, and slice them up as small as we can make it to top the fudge.

I hope you enjoy my recipe. It’s delicious, nutritious, and will definitely satisfy their cravings for the I Don’t Care for a good long time.

Tuesday, May 22, 2007

False Claims

Spam is very interesting, isn’t it? Let’s look at some history.

In the beginning, man created meat. He used sharp stones and sticks to kill an animal, as is the way of nature, and ate whatever he could.

In the end of the beginning, woman created better meat. She let man do all the hard work, as is the way of nature, then threw the meat into the fire and ate it. Slight burns occurred, but the meat was good, as well as germ free.

Many years later, man created mystery meat, thus SPAM was born. SPAM was named the perfect meat and the world was happy.

After the internet was created, SPAM became digital. Instead of the meaty goodness man and woman anticipated, the SPAM mutated into garbled advertisements that no one seems to want.

Nobody ever wants spam, so why is it sent? All it does is get sent to a special folder just for spam, where little blue men take it and return it to its original, meatly good form. Does anyone actually read spam, and decide “Ya know? I think I’ll claim this offer, although I never entered a contest of any kind and I don’t really need this product.” and go ahead and click the link provided, being fully aware that more spam will ensue? I certainly hope the world is not that gullible. Maybe spam (as apposed to SPAM) is sent to random e-mail address by random, sentient computers as an attempt to overflow e-mail inboxes around the world to prevent the “ugly bags of mostly water” known as humans from communicating with each other in an attempt to take the internet for themselves.

Next time you receive a spam message, be sure to read it carefully, and then use this letter to fight back at the computers that hope to overthrow the world.

Dear "Spam Sender"

In the interest of your safety as well as my own, I would like to confirm if this is indeed a real offer, and that you actually have the wrong person for this claim.

Whether this claim is, in fact, a realistic endeavor to bestow a monetary sum/high priced product or just another hoax to gain the identity of a poor fool, I must inform you that I am unable to comply at this time. My reasons are many and include that I refuse to give out personal information as well as my having never entered any contest, especially for this amount/item.

In my opinion, you are either a hoax designed to gain the information of a sap or you have the wrong e-mail address. In either case, you have no reason to be sending me these e-mails. As much as I would like to gain this money/product, I would not want to fall for an obvious trap, nor would I want to take from anyone who actually earned it.

Please be sure to take your contest elsewhere and refrain from sending me any more e-mails.

Yours Truly,

Friday, May 18, 2007

Life is but a dream...

Dreams are a funny thing. Most people have them, some don't. But when you say you don't have any dreams, that's actually not true. Many people have dreams, even if they don't remember having any. Either they were too tired to remember, or they weren't important enough, or maybe they just have trouble remembering while they are unconscious.

Many people have tried to study dreams, trying to figure out why we have them, what our brain is trying to tell us while we are asleep. Freud was the most famous person to ever try to interpret dreams. He was wrong most of the time, but that didn't stop him from being well known. People say that your dreams are your brains way of telling you what you need to do to get where you want to go in life. But what about those dreams that don't make any sense? What about nightmares? I'm not talking about those "My brother tried to kill me!" nightmares. I mean those ones that can't be explained. A nightmare where you wake up saying, "Quoi?" while you lay in bed, not even giving a second thought about what just scared the crap outta you in the dream world. Here's a good way of looking at things. The dream world is actually an alternate dimension, and when we fall asleep, we are temporarily transferring ourselves to another self and seeing things through their eyes. That's all well and good, but not exactly sound.

How about this for a fun theory? Your dreams are your mind's way of having fun! You lead a boring life, so your mind decides to have a little bit of fun while you're doing nothing. You're not going anywhere any time soon, so it sets up a little scenario for you to watch. It plugs in a "movie" as it were. Sometimes you have nightmares, that's because it felt like watching a scary movie. Sometimes, you are writing something or drawing a lot, like an art class or something, and you stop having these dreams. First, they start to dull down, not be very memorable, then they stop all together. It's because your brain is no longer bored. It's had its fill of excitement today, so it decides to sleep as well.

It's not a full "scientific" theory yet, but it's a start. Now if only someone would read this, then we'd be getting somewhere.

Tuesday, May 8, 2007

Is this whining or just a really creative joke?

What's with all of these people that say they made something? "I made some carrots earlier today." No you didn't. You bought carrots at the store, placed them in water and boiled them for a while.

Just once, I wanna be standing next to someone while they say, "I made breakfast today. I raised a hen, a rooster, a cow, and a pig from birth until they were at just the right age to allow for that supreme flavor. At which point, I slaughtered the pig, don't tell the kids, grabbed a few eggs and a healthy dose of milk from Betsy. Afterward, I went out back and plucked a couple of fresh oranges from a patch of trees that I've been growing since I was a kid and made me some orange juice to go with my bacon and scambled eggs."

Man I'd love to meet someone like that. Wouldn't you? Just so you could pop a TV dinner in the microwave and tell them, "Get a life!"