Saturday, December 6, 2008

Feel The Rush

Oh the weather outside is… quite nice actually…
And the fire is… non-existent…
And since we’ve… anywhere we want to go…

Please Don’t Snow!
Please Don’t Snow!

WARNING: Children should not read this post, as it contains violent scenes as well as disillusionment on the part of one Fat Man with a Read Coat.

That’s right, folks, it’s now December, meaning most of the Northern Hemisphere is covered in the white stuff. Any time now, all the good (and bad) little Christian, Jewish, and Catholic (and anyone else with the inclination) girls and boys will see sugar plums (a very sweet candy in their minds) dancing and stay awake very anxiously (until they collapse from exhaustion) to see if one jolly elf (whoever happens to be in charge of them) will leave them presents that only a mystical being (the one in control of the mail) would know about and be able to grant them.

That’s right, Santa Clause is coming to town!

It’s still a little ways off, but people have experienced the bums rush at the stores already. Black Friday showed frantic consumers, worried store clerks, and even a death toll over in - WAIT A MINUTE! Where is this information coming from? I was at one of the stores in question. Sure, there was a lot of people there, and the clerks were forced to respond accordingly, but there was no pushing, no shoving, certainly no deaths, and the only two guys trying to cause a fight were ignored implicitly. It seems to me that the media is once again influencing the public into believing anything they tell them to get ratings and increase spending.

What’s that? You don’t believe the mass media would be capable of controlling people in such a way? What about the war? The one in Iraq? Or is it Iran? No, I think it’s supposed to be Afghanistan… Anyway, the war on the entire middle east is not only the fault of one monkey who jumped the gun, several times, in an attempt to escape the chambered bullet, but also of the media, who perpetrated a false sense of alarm, added onto the already growing distress of the American people.

Even Scott Adams, the creator of Dilbert and the Religion Wars, has noticed the power of the media to influence the public into doing whatever they want them to, through careful words and nudging. How do you think we got the president-elect we currently have? Or the current president? It was all through the media. The media showed all the darker sides of Senator Clinton, and all the lighter sides of Senator Obama. They confused the public with misinformation and propaganda about Al Gore, to allow Bush into office. This happened not once, but twice. I’m not saying Obama is the wrong choice, but he seemed to be the only choice as far as the media was concerned.

Back to the deaths, for a moment. There actually were a couple of deaths at a Wal-Mart store. It wasn’t anything to do with one person robbing another, like most people think Black Friday would cause. It was very simple. There were far too many people waiting in line at a store that sells things incredibly cheap that was having a sale to make things a whole lot cheaper, and in their excitement, these people trampled over other people, resulting in their deaths. So far, as I understand it, there was one store clerk, and one unborn child killed that day due to a stampede.

Are these people to blame for trampling over innocent people? No, not really. They had gone temporarily insane from the sale and no longer had control over their bodies as they were striving to get their loved one, or themselves, the item they always wanted at the one time of the year they could afford it. Should we blame the unsuspecting people that got trampled? Of course not, they were victims in this unfortunate situation. What about the stores? Are they to blame? Not in the slightest. The stores were only capitalizing on the potential profits, like anyone else would do. So who is at fault for this horrible act? Why, the people who caused the mob to go insane in the first place. The Media. They caused the stores to sell lower, which caused the mob, which killed the people. I say, all those people who were causing a panic through advertising the date, the time, the price, and the panic, all at once, should be put behind bars and beaten with a stick at random intervals just to give them the same feeling of panic that the troop of consumers felt as they waited outside their favorite store, hoping to get at their main purchase before anyone else.

So, the media caused the War of the Third-Worlds; the election of whichever president they felt best suited them at the time; the mobs and rioting on black Friday; and the deaths of anyone, physically or politically, that was involved with any of these events. These mass murdering dictators must be stopped. It’s bad enough the internet is full of lies, we can always ignore those, we don’t need these lies thrown at our faces on every news medium man has ever invented. They control our hearts, our minds, and our lives.

They must be stopped!

Poison them! Drown them! Bash them in the head! Got any chloroform? I don’t care how you kill the little beasts, BUT DO IT!


<= This transmission has been cut off due to lies, conspiracy theories, and copyright infringement =>

Thursday, December 4, 2008

On A Stick

I've come to notice that a lot of people seem to have some funny ideas for the future. Getting passed all the people who believe the world will end soon we find people believing that we will have flying cars, cities in the sky and even colonies on mars. However, the funniest one is that people believe our food will soon appear in capsul/tablet form.

Now I'm not usually one to predict the future, but in this case I must step in because as far as food goes people really haven't been paying attention to the trends. To put food in the form of some pill is far too boring and steril for humanity. Not to worry though, I have a more accurate idea for the shape of food in the future... On a stick.

That's right, in the future most of the food you buy will be on a stick. That's not to say that all food will be in stick form, but for the most part you will probably be able to find it that way. It's already started, especially in places like America and Japan, and it won't be long before we start to see things like pizza on a stick or frozen beer on a stick. We are human beings, not robots. This is the way we like to do things, this is the way we like to live... On a stick.

Well, now that I've corrected one theory about the future perhaps you'll look into some of your other theories with an updated opinion. I'm the OmniEpic Wizard. I write it so you don't have to.

Sunday, November 23, 2008

Little Deminders

Everyone loves snow flakes. They are some of the most beautiful things in nature and they come in all sizes. There are small ones, big ones, even ball shaped ones and they all come in many other shapes as well. Truly no two snow flakes are alike.

...Or are they?

Not too many people know this, but the snow flakes actually do repeat themselves. There are a wide variety of snow flakes, of course, but every so often the cycle repeats itself. So why don't we notice, you ask? Can it be that we are not able to remember so many different snow flakes? No. If that were the case, we'd still recognise a few. I'm afraid the answer is a lot more complex than that.

To put it simply, there are nuralizers in the snow flakes. Yes, I know it's hard to believe for those of you with tiny minds. Just as it is difficult to make a dog understand physics, but I'll do my best.

For best results, I'd like to run an experiment. Next time you see a snow flake, hold onto that image long enough to draw it on a piece of paper. Continue this process for a while and get back to me when you have a matching pattern.

...Now don't you feel stupid? If this proof isn't enough for you, then think about this. The snow flakes seem to shine and sparkle as they fall, don't they? That's not light reflection. Those are thousands of tiny flashes directed at your eyes by the nuralizers inside each snow flake with the intent of causing you to forget a snow flake with each flash. It's actually a wonderfull system. You might wonder why there are never tiny machines laying around after the snow melts if this were the case, but you see the machines are made out of ice and are wind powered. There can be no other explination.

I hope this has been an enlightening insight for you all and that you will walk the realm of reality with a little more caution from now on. If not, then just try not to stare at the snow flakes. Sometimes they misfire and zap the wrong memory.

I'm the OmniEpic Wizard. I write it so you don't have to.

Turkey Day!!!

Here’s a thought: What’s up with Thanksgiving?

I mean, I understand the concept of the holiday, we are giving thanks for everything we have and will receive. But, wasn’t this holiday made because of the Native-Americans (Hereby Referred To As Indians) having dinner with the Colonists many years ago? They had some food, the colonists had some food, they decided to eat together, in friendship.

However, whether you believe this holiday is all about giving thanks, or celebrating our friendship with the Indians, how did we turn it into what it is today, an all you can eat buffet of turkey, ham, potatoes, eggs, and anything else you can get your hands on? Eliminating the religious aspect of giving thanks to whatever god you believe in, just being thankful for the food is all anyone does anymore, and that’s more like Bart Simpson’s phrase:

Dear Lord, we paid for all this food ourselves, so thanks for nothing.

Like I said, let’s not include religions into this, and just look at the holiday itself. We’ve covered that we don’t give thanks the way we should anymore, so what about the Indians? What are we doing to show friendship to them? Have you seen the decorations for this holiday? One of the prominent ones is a turkey (Smiling, I might add, as opposed to being terrified of being eaten) dressed as a pilgrim and holding an old gun. Where’s the turkey’s brother, the one dressed as an Indian? I know there are decorations out there depicting Indians taking part, but most of it is about the colonists.

In short, this entire holiday has become nothing but a dedication to ourselves, and how much food we can cram into our mouths before the day is through. I’m not saying that’s a bad thing, I love a good meal as much as the next man. What I am saying is that this holiday has lost its way.

So, think about this truth, when you and your family are settling down to eat, in whatever room you happen to be sitting in (probably the living room watching Garfield’s Thanksgiving special on TV) and try to give a little more thanks for what you’ve got, and just a tad more for the Indians that made this holiday possible.

Oh yeah, and the stores have been claiming that Christmas is just around the corner for a few months now, so be sure to give thanks for fat men in red coats who break into people’s houses, eat their cookies, drink their milk, and leave random objects under the most flammable object in the room.

Wednesday, October 1, 2008

A Perfected Imperfection

Let’s start off by telling you that I am a procrastinator.

No duh.

I know I said in the description of this blog that I wouldn’t talk about myself, but, seriously, who doesn’t know this by now? It’s been a long time since I wrote one of these. It’s painfully obvious that someone procrastinates when they haven’t updated a weekly blog in two months.

See? I just did it again. I just went and looked up the date of my last blog entry. Not to add a bit more information to the blog, but to stop myself from needing to write more that exact second. Heck, I’m procrastinating right now! This entire blog entry is an excuse for me to stay awake. It’s after 1:00 AM and I’m writing this just so that I don’t have to go to bed. I know I have to (I’m tired, it’s late, I’m the only one up) but I really don’t want to yet.

So, here I am, finally getting around to writing a new blog entry. Why? Because it is lower on the list of things I have to do than going to bed, though not by much. See, that’s how we procrastinators work. We have a set list of things that we absolutely have to do, whether already over-due or not, and we tend to migrate to the one about half-way down the list. Why not go all the way to the bottom? What else would you have to do when you don’t want to do what you’re doing? It’s quite simple.

It’s a lot worse with people who procrastinate and are lazy. Then, not only do they not want to do anything high up on the list, they don’t want to bother to look at the list to find out what they can do to avoid it. So, they end up doing nothing. Watching TV, surfing the net, playing some games, listening to music, playing jump rope with some seaweed, whatever pops into their head at the time that isn’t at all important. These are the people who always go past deadlines and do horrible jobs on things because they have to rush something to get it in at all.

These people are completely undependable.

As I said, I am one of these people. In fact, the only reason I defaulted this high up is because my favorite video site is down and I’m too lazy to find a new one. However, there seems to be hope for us. According to John Perry there is a way to make this defect work for us, but it involves a little self-trickery.

I’ve been slowly realizing this by myself, but my procrastinating nature never got around to finishing the puzzle. All you have to do is assign yourself tasks that seem very important (but aren’t) and seem to have a set deadline (but don’t) and trick yourself into thinking that it is the most important thing on the list. Then, you start to do the things that need to get done as a way to avoid the bigger (yet unimportant) project. If you constantly check back with your mental list of important things that need to be done that are lower on the list than the big project, you’ll get a lot done, and feel a lot better about yourself. People will also start to notice you as someone who gets a lot of work done, rather than someone who gets nothing done.

It’s a bit of a relief that we can put two bad qualities of ourselves to good use, procrastination and self-delusion. As long as we keep these in mind, we can always get what we want done.

Now then, let’s see if that video site is up and running again.

Sunday, July 27, 2008

PSA - For Your Safety

This is a Public Service Announcement, sponsored by Families Ranting About Underhanded Doctoral Service.

Anyone who is sick, feels sick, or knows someone who is/feels sick, DO NOT GO TO THE HOSPITAL! You may visit the clinic, you may see your doctor, you may acquire medication from your local pharmacy, but DO NOT GO TO THE HOSPITAL! Statistics have shown that more people die in the hospital than anywhere else. This includes wars, which have military hospitals.

“I’m sorry, Miss, but your husband has passed away.”

“He’s dead? What did you do to him? He was alive when I brought him in!”

Don’t let this happen to you. If you or a loved one is ill, please seek professional help at your local clinic or ask your doctor to come to your home.

Many people have died at the hospital, even from routine check-ups. The main cause is the Staff Infection. This is an infection that can only be gotten in a hospital, and seems to be in every hospital around the world. You or your loved one will be in the hospital, perfectly healthy, and become infected, over night. Once the infection has started, the hospital staff will immediately quarantine the patient, where they will die, and will probably be alone.

Hospital supplies are constantly changing and being replaced, yet the infection remains in every hospital. There is only one thing that remains the same, the Staff. Every hospital has hospital Staff. Every hospital has the Staff Infection. This is not a coincidence. There is only one way any patient could become infected with the Staff Infection, and that is if they got it from the Staff at the hospital. There is no known cure for this infection and every “method” that is tried seems to fail, resulting in the death of the patient. The only reasonable solution is that the Staff are the ones killing the patients by giving them an infection that they arrogantly named after themselves, the Staff Infection.

Please, if you care about your loved ones and wish to protect them, and yourself, from certain death, do not check into a hospital. If you ever find yourself in one, leave as soon as you can, and write out your will before your Uncle Dave gets everything your own.


This post is dedicated to the greatest comedian of all time, George Carlin, who died recently, only one week before receiving the “Best Comedian” award. He died of heart failure while lying in the hospital. I never knew him personally, but I will miss him deeply, as will all of you, I’m sure.

I guess he’s down there now, smiling up at us, because we’re next.

Wednesday, April 23, 2008

Think for yourself

I’ve found free will! It’s hard to imagine this sentence starting a blog entry, but I had, indeed, found it!

Let’s start by taking science into consideration. According to our biology, we have no free will. We simply walk around, reacting certain ways to certain things. We think we are making choices for ourselves, but it is our experience that drives our decisions. When you are asked a yes or no question, you usually speak the truth.

Are you alive?


However, based on who is asking the question, under what situation, and from past experience, you could answer with a lie.

You get shot by a rather dim-witted person.

Are you alive?


Well, alright.

See? It was not your will that made you say no, but your experience. Obviously, this is not the best example, but it will do. Let’s try not to focus on why we don’t have individual free will, and try to get back on the real topic.

As you may have noted from the last sentence, I said “individual” free will. What I’m implying is that you do not have a will of your own, you only gain free will in groups.

Many times, police, governments, even normal citizens have noticed that people are calm, collected, and predictable when they are alone. However, you group a bunch of them together, and you get an unpredictable bunch, where anything can happen. It takes a large group of people to cause this, which is why it usually only happens with angry mobs or soccer riots, it is nearly impossible to get that many people organized, much less for the same cause. However, in that brief moment where all of those people are together, there is free will. You are no longer acting on previous experience, the group, as a whole is deciding things instantly, without thinking about the before or after. Where else do you see free will? Where else do you see this strange behavior, the unpredictability, the large group of people, acting without relying on the past or thinking about the future? I present to you, exhibit B, the internet.

That’s right. Apart from mobs, riots, or anything similar, the internet is the only thing that can generate free will. While you are online, you have the potential to meet thousands of people, within minutes, all of which will effect you differently. This already has an impact on you and your daily life. What you don’t see, however, is that you are on the borderline of free will while you are online, interacting with these people. The internet is the largest gathering of people mankind has ever known. And we all know people evolve better in groups.

We started off alone, not knowing what to do. We formed tribes, giving a bit of order, and slight unpredictability. As technology grew more advanced, people combined into larger groups, becoming more willed, and more intelligent. It only makes sense that this trend would continue. It is only a matter of time before we all join together, thinking as one. That is the point in time when our free will shall emerge. That point is when we will all think for ourselves, and no longer rely purely on the past to predict our future, when we will begin to make decisions immediately, without waiting to see what might happen, and without the brain preparing ourselves, and the world around us for our eventual response.

That is free will.

Thursday, April 10, 2008

Life Revoked

I think it’s safe to say that our future is pretty well set in stone. Not literally, of course. Scientists have found the answers to many secrets that we have been asking questions about for a long time, normal people have been finding their own answers to these same questions. Even the media has figured out that something is happening that others would like to know about that doesn’t involve ruining someone’s life. The secrets I refer to may be too hard for some to grasp, for the secrets are the keys to longevity.

Allow me to simplify this term. Longevity is, in a nut shell, the ability to live for a long time. According to scientists, people being born now have a strong chance to live to be 150 years old. In that time frame, scientists will have come up with something else to increase the life span of the populace. Already, as we are now, people in their forties can, almost literally, turn back the clock to when they were twenty. So, those people living to be 150 may only seem like they are in their seventies, by that point in time. And, since there are people alive now, going into their hundreds, seventies isn’t much. In order for them to reach the new equivalent of 100, they would probably need to reach 200, and, of course, by then they would have figured out something else.

Ladies and gentlemen of the internet, I am happy to announce that your children will be able to live forever, with the new advances of science, and probably yourselves as well. Sure, at first we will live into eternity as old, frail beings, but, as time goes by, we will regain our youth and revert to whatever age we want. Eventually, you will be able to pick an age and stick with it for the rest of your life, for however long you think that should be.

Unfortunately, no good thing lasts forever, not even immortality. As the years drag on, you will become bored with your new existence. You will go to work, find you don’t know the job anymore, go to school, learn what you need to know, go back to work, lather , rinse, repeat. Eventually, the routine will become dull. One day, you’ll find yourself quitting your job because you will have become bored of it. You’ll go to a new place to work and you will start at the lowest level, not because you are inexperienced, but because you want to have the full experience and you’ve got enough money to last you for a while. It will be like you were a character in The Sims and someone turned off aging. After a while, your life ceases to have personal meaning.

Of course, boredom is the least of your worries. We all know how the government works. If anything is worth having, it’s worthwhile to limit it. Get used to the phrase, only the poor die young. It will get to the point where you will need a license to live forever. If you are productive, wanted, needed, or wealthy enough, you will gain a license to remain alive. This Living License will cost tons of money, and will be the most fought after card you’ll ever find, and yes, it will be a card. This card will fit nicely into your wallet, or fit on your keychain, depending on which one you bought. The smaller one will cost more than the larger one, because it will be made after the initial card, thus everyone will want it, which will raise the cost more. At some point, the card will be so expensive that only the richest people in the world could afford one, and only the most needed people would be given on for free. As this nightmare becomes reality, the ones who discovered the cure to death will be long since dead, not wanting to go on anymore, and those that bought the licensing rights will become rich men, live forever, having got their licenses before anyone else, and continue to get richer.

Seems like a strange and horrible future, doesn’t it? There will be quite a few people that won’t believe this. It may be hard to accept, but don’t come crawling to me when your license to live gets revoked.

Saturday, March 22, 2008

Neat Trick

It is currently snowing in Hawaii.

Don’t you believe me? Do you live in Hawaii? Are you looking outside right now? Unless you can answer yes to both of those questions, then you can’t say I’m wrong. For all you know, it is snowing in Hawaii, very heavily. Volcanoes, long since dormant, are filling up to the brim with snow, and Hawaiians are snow boarding down their slopes, which eventually hit the water, turning their snow boarding into surfing, officially making Hawaii the coolest place to live with the coolest sport ever, Downhill Aqua Boarding.

Now, obviously, we all know it is very rare to see snow in Hawaii, and many people will say that the weather stations aren’t reporting anything like that. However, unless you are there right now, looking at it, you don’t know for sure. The weather station could have made a mistake, it’s been known to happen. You can’t see Hawaii to prove that it is still sunny and no snow can be found. So, according to your current perspective, there could very well be Hawaiians Aqua Boarding down volcano slopes.

Unless you look out your window, you can’t even prove that the outside world exists right now. As you are reading this, the outside world has come to a complete halt in your mind. All you know is in that room, everything else is a memory. You think the grass outside is still green, but you only know that because it was the last time you saw it. For all you know something happened to make it turn orange. In fact, your yard could be gone completely, assuming you even had one in the first place. Are there even lines on the roads anymore? What about the other rooms in the building? Are they still there? How do you know? You better check, they might not be.

It’s amazing how much we assume, simply because it’s how we left it, or it’s what we’ve been told. Religious people assume God exists. He may or may not, but everyone that is religious believes that He does. Why? Because they have been told so. The Bible says so. The preacher says so. Their friends say so. But they have no proof, other than that things exist, they had to come from somewhere, and this is the most logical explanation they have. God is a very touchy subject, so let’s use something else. You assume that the roads you drive on (or ride on if you take public transit) are there in the morning, when you are about to take them. They were there the last time you took them, so why not? But you don’t really know, do you? You think you do, but you don’t. You are working from past information.

You could be looking at an object, blink, and in the time it took you to blink, that object, in your mind, has moved from the present into the past. While you are blinking, you no longer know that object is there. For all you know, it vanished while you had your eyes closed. You only assume that it is there, while you are opening your eyes, because it was there a second ago, just before the blink.

You don’t think this could happen? How many times have you lost something?

“Well, gee, it was here a second ago…”

You lose things because they are no longer where you put them. However, to you, up until that moment, that item was in that exact spot. You knew it was there, and you were simply going to pick it up again. In the amount of time it took you to look away and look back, it moved. You were only assuming it was still there because you remembered it being there.

Let’s say someone told you where something was. You expect this info to be right because you trust this person. However, you go to this location, only to find out they are in error. Until that exact moment, you believed that this thing was in this place, when it actually was not. Your friend still believes that this thing is in this place. Technically, for the two of you, that thing is and is not there, at the same time. Isn’t that freaky?

Now that we've got that straightened out, happy Aqua Boarding, Hawaiians.

Friday, February 29, 2008

It Must Be True

Welcome to the first EVER published issue of this hit article series! This article will feature testimonials from real people, in real situations, with real problems and real stories to tell. And remember, if you’ve read it on the internet -


There’s a little secret that Bill Gates and the people of Microsoft don’t want you to know. There is actually a loophole in the programming of Microsoft Outlook, and many other e-mail programs, that will allow someone to send you a file which contains a virus and the program will open it automatically, unleashing the virus upon your virtual desktop, and infecting all of your computer’s files. It’s true. It was demonstrated one morning by a young group of hackers, the infamous Cult of the Dead Cow.

As long as we are dealing with e-mails and hacking, make sure to watch out for an old, legendary hacker that’s been harassing many people lately. He is only known by the name B1FF. This hacker is of a specialized sort. Instead of causing destruction and chaos wherever he goes, he chooses to set a date for his mischief. That date is February 14th, Valentine’s Day. Some say he lost his love to an internet boyfriend, some claim he’s a she that never managed to snag a husband. There are even a few people saying that he is an old hermit hacker, from back in the day when Al Gore invented the internet, and the first hackers were born, and he just happens to hate that holiday. However, regardless what the reason is, you should leave your computer off, and never login to your e-mail account on Valentine’s Day. Sure, you may miss your chance at getting a Valentine on time, but the alternative is much worse. B1FF specializes in letter bombs. He sends an e-mail to you, which will open automatically upon receiving it, if you are logged in on February 14th, and cause your entire computer to explode! Net Police are still trying to track down this culprit.

Did you know it’s possible to make tons of money, just by giving some away? It’s true! If you ever receive a letter asking you to send back a dollar to all previous recipients, do it. Then scratch off the top name on the list and add yours to the bottom and send that sucker on. Within no time, you will be raking in cash like it was nothing. The more people you send that letter on to, the more money you will get from the recipients. Not a bad way to make a living, eh? And even if only one person from each letter sends you a dollar, you will still break even. Isn’t that something?

Speaking of making money, how many e-mails have you gotten from people in the UK asking you to hold onto their money while they transfer to this country? Apparently, there are thousands of people in the UK who are stupid enough to trust any random American with their fortune while they transfer into the country, leaving behind their wonderful job and life to live the American dream. Do yourself a favor and sneak a bit of this cash into your own pocket. These people are rich, what do they care if some is missing. And remember, they are giving up everything to trust you with their hard earned cash while they move, so if there is nothing when they get here, they can’t do anything to you, so take what you can hold.

Oh, be sure to steer clear of all parties from now on, especially if they have drugs. Apparently the party goers may in fact be student doctors, with powerful knockout drugs and surgery equipment and they may be more interested in stealing your kidneys and selling them, then having a good time. Kidneys are worth around $10,000 on the Black Market, ya know. Why would any medical student want to waste their lives practicing medicine for their six-figure income, when they can just steal body parts for a living? Hey, at least they leave you with a phone and a note to dial 911 when they are done. Who knows how long you can go without your kidneys?

And, finally, there is one serious issue I wish to cover. There is a dieing boy at the Mayo Clinic named Anthony Parkin. There is no cure for what he has, and he knows he will be going soon. As his dieing wish, he wants to see his chain letter mailed around the world, and keep going. So, if you see a letter from this dear, sweat, sick boy, please send it on. It’s his last wish, don’t deprive him of it.

These were real testimonials from real people, in real situations, with real problems and real stories to tell. Join us next time when we cover the scandal that made George Bush III, the youngest president ever, and how Tommy Hilfiger confessed his racism on Oprah.

And remember, if you’ve read it on the internet -


Monday, February 25, 2008

Arbitrary Punishment

Ya know, I thought we were a civilized people. I thought we had gone beyond what we call barbaric behavior. So what’s up with us killing people constantly? Sure wars need people who can kill, and it’s hard to stop the criminals from killing, but what about our death penalty? With all of the death around us, it’s apparent that we have become desensitized to it enough to accept it as a suitable penalty for just about anything.

You killed people?


You destroyed a city?


You won the lottery?


Why do we feel we need to prove how strong we are by killing everyone that opposes us? I think the death penalty should be abolished in this country. Not because some don’t deserve it, but because it is a huge waste! With how many people die in this country, you’d think we’d want to preserve as many as possible! Instead we are killing them off by the dozen. We are killing so many people, legally, that George Carlin threw it into his act! (WARNING! MATURE CONTENT!)

But this is a huge waste of life. I think we can find a better use for these poor people who have nothing to look forward to but a chair or an injection. If there is one thing we know, as a civilization, it’s how to use resources. And by resources, I of course mean the death row inmates. I think we can all take a chapter out of the game series Halo for this one. In Halo 2, there was a person who was sentenced to death, but instead of out right killing him, they turned him into their Arbiter. Basically, an Arbiter is a soldier that is sent on the most dangerous military missions. These missions are all referred to as suicide missions. The military will get a new soldier that they can send off to do their dirty work, and the victims get their corpse. I think we should use this system in our country.

What I propose is the creation of the Arbiter branch of the military. Everyone placed on Death Row will get a chance to sign a paper that volunteers them for this military role. After going through a strenuous ‘boot camp’ they will be taken into whatever war we happen to ‘not’ be fighting right now, and they will handle all of the most dangerous missions. And, at the end of a certain amount of time serving the country, they will be awarded a presidential pardon from their crimes. Of course, since they are the most dangerous people we have, according to the law, we must take precautions in order to make the people feel safe about their return. We also would have to prepare for their attempt to go AWOL. So, we would need to place a locater chip in each one. Not only would the people feel safer, and the military could keep track of them, but being able to see where every troop is at any given time, you could make a new strategy in the middle of combat and see the results play out on your GPS.

Don’t you think this is a great idea? The victims will probably get the corpse they want, and if they don’t they will at least know the criminal had gone through a severe punishment, of their own choosing, and the military will get the soldiers they’ve been asking for.

Everybody is happy! Well, except the dead people.

Thursday, February 14, 2008

Valentine Humbug

I bet you came to this site, hoping to see another Valentine’s Day blog. Another cute little story about how I met this girl, and we’ve been in love for years now, and I got her this cute little bear that had a white shirt on with a red heart, and it was holding a single piece of chocolate fudge with a mint center and it was the sweetest thing ever.


Well too bad! I’m not gonna give you the satisfaction of a traditional blog entry for this holiday. Why? Because the people that celebrate this holiday don’t care about anyone but themselves! All they are interested in is helping out their relationship with their guy or girl. What about the people who have no such relationship? What about the people that broke up and have no one to go to? What about the people that have not found their ‘significant other’ yet? How are these people supposed to celebrate Valentine’s Day? What do you want them to do, give a heart-shaped box of chocolates to themselves? I think they feel bad enough without that pity party. What about setting them up on a date? I bet you know many friends that they might like. What a great gift on Valentine’s Day, setting your friend up on a blind date with the first person you can think of. Haven’t they been tortured enough?

Ah, but those people will be fine. They’ve survived this day before, and they’ll find love eventually. But if you won’t hold back your love and chocolates for those that have not, then think of the poor Hermit. Think of the old man, living by himself in the house on the hill. Everyone knows him. He’s the mean old man who has nobody and wants nobody. All he wants is to be left alone. He hates it when a random girl in pigtails and shorts walks up to his house, rings his doorbell and slides a valentine under his door, giggling, because they think he’s lonely and just wants somebody to love him. Well, he’s not lonely! In fact, he loves the peace and quiet of his home, and would rather die than associate with the likes of you! And he hates the people that celebrate this day the most! He can’t stand glancing out his window to find people kissing and hugging and smooching and cuddling and walking down the sidewalk, holding hands and giving each other little hearts or cards with a naked kid on it with wings. The Hermit would like nothing better than to forget the world and forget this day. But everyone just keeps bugging him about it.

So, for once in your lives, please, be kind to someone other than yourselves today. Think of the Hermit.

Saturday, January 26, 2008

I Didn't Do It

Human Nature is the topic of the day. That, and observation. Both seem to be reoccurring themes in this blog. Let’s start with one of the basics.

It is in human nature to completely deny responsibility, and to pass the blame onto others, even when you aren’t even at fault in the first place. For example, someone passes by a precariously stacked group of papers. It’s been sitting there for weeks, just piling up hazardously, and that person happens to walk by just moments before the entire pile falls over. What’s their first reaction?

“It's not my fault!”

Of course it wasn’t their fault, but they’re already passing the blame. Everyone knows they had nothing to do with that and won’t blame that person for it’s collapse… Unless the pile of papers fell onto a lit candle and burned down the house, then someone might start pointing fingers.

Let’s say someone passes gas in a small room or car. Everyone knows who did it, but that person still refuses responsibility for their actions. It’s a simple matter, and the people only want confirmation, and maybe a polite warning in the future. Instead, the owner of the noxious vapor won’t even commit themselves to a simple smell, as if this bodily function is something to be ashamed of. Then again, if it’s strong enough, you tend to get a lot of people claiming them, even if they didn’t do it, just because they want something to be proud of. Otherwise, it’s the same story.

“Wasn’t me!”

One of the main items when discussing human nature is laziness. People are very lazy. Most people would say they’ve gotten lazier, but laziness has always been a problem. There’s just more ways of noticing it and spreading the word now. There are also fewer excuses.

Back when the wife was forced to cook and take care of the kids, the man would sit on the sofa and watch TV or listen to the radio or read the paper. Why? All of the work had been assigned to the wife. Now husbands are doing the same thing, but the wife isn’t doing all the work. No more excuse. The husband must now do half of the work or more, especially if the wife is also working, or working instead. No woman would put up with going to work to support the family AND coming home to do the housework.

It’s not just men, though. Women are being lazy too. The only difference is in the way they are lazy. Men have perfected laziness over thousands of years. Women are only now getting into the habit and are still working at being lazy, and getting away with it. Does equal rights ring a bell? There have been so many laws passed for women now that they don’t have to get ahead in life, a lot of them can get what they want on a gold platter. Did you know that when a man and a woman divorce each other, the woman gets just about everything? It’s not a law, but it is a fact. And everyone knows it. Even the people giving the orders to do so know it. You could be sitting in a courtroom with a male judge that HATES women, and he’ll STILL give the woman whatever she wants from the marriage. It’s just life. That’s how women get to be lazy. They found their excuse.

Did you know that people would let something fall to pieces before they would volunteer to fix it? It’s even worse if there is someone they know that WILL fix it, and they’re just waiting for that person to show up! That’s why no one is doing anything about this global warming we’re hearing so much about. Everyone is waiting for someone to fix it, without bothering them. Humans will wait all the way through the destruction of the sun before they would even consider making a plan of action to prevent extinction. ESPECIALLY if they find even the tiniest bit of evidence that they might be saved at the last minute by God or a group of extra terrestrials that would just happen to be passing by at that exact instant before the explosion from our own personal star reaches our tiny dust ball of a planet, where they would then beam the entire planet’s civilizations to another planet, thousands of light years away, along with all of our stuff, finding us to be a very fascinating race of people for some reason, just because we were too lazy to pack up all of our stuff and move.

So, that’s my bit of wisdom for the day. Since I know nobody reads these things unless they are being lazy or want an alibi, I’ll stop enabling you.

Sunday, January 13, 2008

Paranoia Can Be Fun

Ever heard the phrase, “I don’t suffer from paranoia, I enjoy every minute of it!” and wondered exactly what that means? Then you probably won’t understand this blog. But for the rest of you, please read on.

Anyone else notice the little crumbs that fall off of the bottom of a pizza? It’s not part of the crust, it just sticks to the bottom of the pizza. It always falls off in the box, or on your plate, or sticks to your lips, but a significant amount does make it into your mouth. So, why do we eat it? Why are we putting things into our mouths when we don’t know what they are? What if it’s something you really don’t want to eat?

What could these crumbs be, anyway? If they are part of the crust, then why are they stuck to the bottom of it instead of being baked in like the rest of the dough? What if it’s crumbs from the other pizzas that they have baked? How old is the bread you just stuck in your mouth and swallowed? That’s not something I want to be eating. What if it’s not bread? What if it’s not food at all? Maybe the pizza companies wanted to know what kind of ingredients the customers liked, and the best way was to plant tiny sensors into their pizzas that look like simple bread crumbs. Every slice of pizza you eat adds another couple dozen sensors into your body which send signals to their computers to let them know what to change in their recipe to get people to like them better. It doesn’t sound like a bad idea, but it’s a huge invasion of privacy. What if the sensors aren’t from the pizza companies? What if they’re from the government? What if they want to keep track of where people are, and how healthy they are? Again, a good thing, but a huge invasion of privacy.

But what if it’s not our government, but another one? What if aliens wanted to stick those sensors on our pizza? Yes, it all makes sense now! Aliens have planted tiny robotic sensors onto the bottoms of our pizza crust to learn the tastes of the human population in an effort to control the food market, thus controlling the people of the Earth! These small droids are hovering in our bodies until they safely pass through with the rest of the waste, taking information about our bodies, giving the aliens our secrets and weaknesses. Once In the stream of our water, they will collect together, force their way into the lakes and rivers of our planet, taking in more information of the strengths, weaknesses and secrets of the planet. Eventually, the tiny robot ninja sensors will wind up in the earth, taking control of the plant life, waiting until the aliens give the signal to poison our food, drain our lakes and rivers and siphon it off for their mobile army of trees, seaweed and house plants that will enslave the humans to grow more plants to rule over them and populate other planets, for the aliens are actually a plant-like people that hate this entire planet for it’s over abundance of creatures that eat their kind. They go from planet to planet, enslaving or destroying the inhabitants and freeing their kind from the horrible role nature has given them, simple food for those of the flesh!

Warn your neighbors! Tell the press! Burn the lawyers! The Foliage-Cyborgs from outer space are coming to enslave us all! We must prepare to fight back! Get those missile silos in space to point outward to defend ourselves from the coming invasion with their first-strike capabilities! We can win the war, before it is too late! Don’t give up! We still have a chance! Destroy the forests! Drain the oceans! STOP EATING PIZZA! For the love of God, stop eating pizza! It was started by the French! They’re in on it! Run for you lives! The truth is out there!

Phew. That was intense. *Grabs a slice of pizza*

Tuesday, January 8, 2008

The Human Computer

Welcome to the new year! Did anyone learn anything over the holiday season? I know I did. I learned that too much information can be a bad thing. Your brain might freeze trying to take in all of the ads you’ve seen on TV, all of the holiday specials you watch, or just from the amount of people wishing you a happy holidays. You’ll usually find, at the end of the holidays, your brain actually took hold of this task quite well, and stored it all in one location, where you might not access it ever again.

There’s one thing that has always fascinated me about the human brain. It can quickly, and easily take in information using strange signals that wouldn’t even be related if we hadn’t connected these two very different dots. What I’m referring to, is our intellect versus our language.

Look out a window right now, and look at something. Don’t think of anything else, just look at that one thing. What was the first thing your mind threw at you? For most people, it would be the name of that object. If you looked at a tree, deep down in the back of your mind, you could hear a quiet voice whispering tree. Same thing if you looked at a road, it would whisper road. Some people may not even realize that they are telling themselves what those things are, rather than knowing them immediately. To take another step into this mess, let’s think about what we hear everyday, basic human speech.

It doesn’t matter what language you speak, every word you say is nothing but a mesh of sounds that someone has told you means something. In reality, we are trying to voice an idea, our brain interprets that idea into those words, then the person you are talking to interprets those words back into the basic idea as best as they can, and the brain reads the new message. This happens practically instantly.

You want to try something fun? The next time you are hearing someone speak, not necessarily to you, just sit there and listen to them. Don’t try to hear what they are saying, just listen to the sounds they make. If you can turn off your language skill and just listen to the sounds, even your native language can sound alien to you.

This is a great skill to learn. This way, you can zone out to make sure you don’t receive very much information, that would likely push out the more relevant knowledge, yet still be active enough to catch when you are supposed to respond, and what you are responding to. Just don’t use it on your spouse, parents, or anyone trying to teach you something. They seem to become enraged by it. I’m not sure why.