Joyous Kwanzaa Boxing Year!

Due to these holidays sharing the same days, as well as my own personal laziness, I shall be talking about two holidays today: Kwanzaa and Boxing Day. Both holidays are held on the 26th of December, and both involve cultures that did not originate in America, though both have spread to it.

Kwanzaa, being a mostly African holiday, lasts for 7 days and was developed to be an African alternative to Christmas. Don’t believe me? Look it up on Wikipedia. It was started in the 1960’s specifically for African-Americans that aren’t Christian. The original idea, and the basic idea for quite a few families, is to remember your origins, your family, and your race. This was the first, and I believe only, African-American holiday to be created. Sure, the Africans have other holidays, but this one, developed specifically for African-Americans, is the only one to be publicly celebrated without you needing to read a national geographic or an encyclopedia. Kwanzaa is slowly becoming another standard holiday, like Christmas, but the pace it is going will set it back for a while. Currently, it is still for Africans only, but give it time. Soon it may become the holiday for minorities or something, who knows.

As for Boxing Day, now here is a holiday I think everyone should celebrate, even if it is mostly for the Commonwealth of Nations. I first heard about this holiday from an old TV show, M*A*S*H. On that show, Boxing Day was when the troops would switch places. The officers and enlisted men would trade jobs, for 24 hours. Already, I thought this was a great idea! Upper Class and Lower Class trading places? Talk about a great way to try the grass on the other side of the fence. Some might enjoy a day of bliss, whether it be worry free or enjoying the glamour, and some would get a decent humbling that they deserve. As I delved deeper into my research on Boxing Day, I learned that it was significantly more than that. In fact, Wikipedia hasn’t even heard of the version I just spoke of. According to them, Boxing Day, celebrated on the 26th, 27th or 28th, depending on if the 26th is on a weekend, came about from employers leaving a clay box out front of their business, usually a store, and have themselves and the customers place money into this box. At the end of the day, the box would be smashed open and the money would be divided up amongst the employees, that being their end-of-the-year bonus. This isn’t such a bad idea. Wouldn’t you like to get a bonus this way? The boss would be forced to place at least a little bit of money in. And, if you work in a store, the customers would place in money too, potentially tripling your bonus! Sounds like an excellent idea. The only problem I could see is that it might replace the Christmas bonus… unless the boss didn’t need to place any money in the box, in which case he wouldn't lose a cent and the customers could show their appreciation by giving you a grand New Year’s gift.

Speaking of New Years, I might as well throw this in there too. We’ll be celebrating the turning over of the year. We’re going onto 2008, which is 8 years after when the world should have ended, 7 years after it should have ended again, and only 4 years before we try another one. Oh yeah, and Bush finally leaves office.

WOOHOO!!!

Don’t get me wrong, I have nothing against the president of the united states, nor democracy as a whole. But I DO have problems with Bush, as do all democrats and most republicans, and I’ll be happy to see him go.

As for the New Year’s holiday, I honestly think this is a stupid idea. Let’s look at what this “holiday” is all about. We are celebrating the end of the year. We survived another cycle around the sun. Why are we celebrating it on this particular day? Because someone, thousands of years ago, decided that this is the last day of the year. That’s it. Maybe it was one guy, maybe it was a small group. It couldn’t have been a woman, I know that much. Women could not be stupid enough to end a year and begin a season at the same time. I think a bunch of guys were sitting around a fire, drinking liquor, and wanting to throw a party that would keep them moving and bring a lot of warm bodies together. So, on one of the coldest days they could find, they decided, "We’re having a party tonight!" "What’s the occasion?" "We’ve lasted this long, haven’t we? That’s good enough reason." After a few goes at this, they settled of a specific day, which resulted in a calender to keep track of when that day was, and they proceeded to make up a bunch of names for everything that referenced the sun, the moon, and the gods they were worshiping at the time.

As for the New Year’s resolution, which is basically a promise to yourself that you will probably break, I made a resolution long ago to not make anymore resolutions. I haven’t broken it yet, and I don’t plan to.

Grand Boxing Day, Joyous Kwanzaa, Happy New Year, Seasons Greetings, and Happy Holidays to anyone who still thinks it matters.

Merry Christmas!

Time to hang up old red and white socks, clean out the chimney, cut down a perfectly good tree, and hang flashing lights all over it that get hot very easily right next to all of your wooden family heirlooms that were made for just such an occasion.

That’s right folks! Christmas is upon us! One of those holidays that not only let people, but encourage them to make a fire hazard in their own homes. We leave the fire place burning all night, with very flammable socks hanging from it. We cut down a real tree, made out of wood, and place wires all over it that heat up easily with lights that also heat up easily and hang glass, plastic, and wooden ornaments on this tree to suffocate the wires and lights even more. Some people actually place candles around this same tree on Christmas eve! Talk about wanting a fire! And, if that’s not enough to cause one, we can now buy fake snow to place or spray on the tree to suffocate it more! If the tree was recent, it wouldn’t be as much of a problem, but it needs to be up at least 12 days BEFORE Christmas! That’s almost half a month with a dieing tree sitting in your house, with all of these flammable or heated objects all over it, and suffocating it to trap the heat on the tree! So, we are trying our hardest to set our houses on fire in the spirit of Christmas!

And, if that’s not enough for you, we must, simply MUST, buy as many useless objects as we can to give to as many people as possible to place under this tree! So now, you are required to place hundreds of dollars worth of highly flammable material under a tree that might as well be on fire already, and keep them there as long as possible. Now the rest of the decorations must be placed, also before the 12 days start. So, by December 12th, we have lights, fake snow, wooden and plastic decorations, and anything else you can come up with in the spirit of this holiday, getting ready to set you on fire or blow a fuse, and they still expect presents to be bought. I’m convinced that the only thing keeping the house and tree from catching fire for most people is the real snow outside that is keeping everything cooled off. I’m not sure what kind of magic is used everywhere else, but it must be some good stuff to stop this blaze.

Now, this is celebrated as a Christian holiday, but it seems to have gone a completely different route. Aside from the music that hasn’t changed much since before AD, the only thing even relating to Christians or Jesus Christ is the name, Christmas! Other than that, you have a fat man, sliding down a chimney, placing ANYTHING you want under a nearly dead tree, hoping not to knock anything over or catch it on fire in the middle of the night. He flies around the world, in one night, in the direction of the sun, in a giant sleigh that’s pulled by 8 reindeer, all male, with horns, which is opposite of their standard cycle. NONE of this has anything to do with the religion or the event of Christ’s birth. The only thing left is the spirit of giving, which has become the spirit of getting! I hate to be the one to break this to the Christians, but Christmas is no longer a Christian holiday. It is now a store holiday.

Think about it. This is now the holiday for buying stuff. You buy a tree, new decorations, presents, food, cards, everything you can get your hands on! The entire holiday is about buying as much as you, and everything but some of the decorations is either disposed or given away! You spend hundreds, maybe thousands of dollars, for basically nothing! What a great holiday, eh? If you own a store, of any kind, you’ve got it made this season.

In closing, I hope you all enjoy your X-Mas holiday, the X representing the amount of money you will spend before the month is out, and give a present to everyone you know, whether you like them or not, because it’s the only way you will feel good about getting a whole bunch of stuff for free, even though what you get isn’t worth what you bought. And eat some holiday ham for me, since no one cooks goose on this holiday like they used to.

Merry Giving Day, everyone!

Happy Hanukkah!

Well, as everyone who is Jewish has noticed, Hanukkah has come and gone. Some people may still be celebrating (I haven’t quite worked out which side the extra days are on yet) but the day itself was on the 5th. For those of you who don’t know what Hanukkah is about, here is a bit of an article from About.com.

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The festival of Hanukkah (also spelled Chanukah) was established to commemorate the Jewish Maccabees' military victory over the Greek-Syrians and the rededication of the Second Temple, which had been desecrated by the Greek-Syrians, to the worship of God. Thus, Hanukkah is a celebration of Jewish national survival and religious freedom.

In commemoration of these miracles, a Hanukkah Menorah (also called a Hanukkiah) is lit during each of the eight nights of Hanukkah. Lighting the Hanukkah Menorah is the central observance of the festival. One candle is lit the first night, and an additional candle is lit each successive night. Thus, on the last night of Hanukkah, all eight candles of the Hanukkiah are lit. The candles should be lit by a window or door in order to fulfill the commandment to "publicize the miracle." While lighting the candles, blessings are recited and the ancient chant Hanerot Hallalu is traditionally sung. After lighting the candles, it is a tradition to sing Maoz Tzur.

Hanukkah is a fun festival, especially for children. After lighting the Hanukkah candles together, families (and often invited guests) will eat and play games. Traditional Hanukkah food is oil-rich in commemoration of the miracle of the oil that burned for eight days. Potato pancakes (Latkas in Yiddish, Livivot in Hebrew) are a Hanukkah favorite. Israelis eat Hanukkah doughnuts called soofganiot. Dreidel (sivovon in Hebrew) is a traditional Hanukkah game, with game rules so simple that the whole family, from toddlers to grandparents can play together. The custom of giving Hanukkah gelt (money) to children has evolved into a gift-giving tradition in many Jewish families today.

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As you can see, the Jewish people celebrate a great deal of things on this festival of their’s. The only problem I have with it is the candles thing. Nowadays, with all of the stuff you can have in the house, leaving candles burn for many days can be a serious fire hazard. And, if you don’t need to worry about the fire spreading, what about it going out? Seven days is an awfully long time to have a candle burn. And if you solve the problem by getting long candles, then how do you deal with the major wax build up at the bottom? Seven days of burning one candle, the heat getting worse with each day that a new candle is lit? And you know it’s gotta be murder on the drapes when they put it in the window. I wonder how long it is left in the window after the last candle is lit…

Well, in any case, there is Hanukkah in a nutshell. I don’t quite understand it, but the Jewish people seem to like the holiday. Well… all except Lewis Black.

Welcome to December!

I have been saving all of my creative juices for this month, and it’s gonna be a whopper! Actually, I’ve just been lazy and needed an excuse, but it sounded pretty good, didn’t it?

This month, I am going to be trying to post every article in this blog about Christmas, Hanukkah, any other holidays I know about, and the Holiday Season in general. Since, as far as I know, we are no where near any of the holidays in this season, let’s start with the season in general.

First of all, why is it called the Holiday Season? The season is Winter. We established this long before any of these holidays were thought up. The weather and calendar may not agree, but we are in Winter here in the States, so we should not be in any other season. It can’t be any other kind of Season. It’s not like Elmer Fudd is off in the woods wearing his big brown hat going “Be vewy vewy quiet. We’a wookin’ for howidays! Huhuhuhuhu!” Nobody is hunting it down and we are in either Winter or Autumn, depending on weather and calendar. So I see no reason to call it the Holiday Season.

However, since there are many definitions of Season, and we are adding more every time the occasion arises, it seems we must conclude that this is a season for Holidays. Why? Because the government refuses to acknowledge any specific holiday. The stores, on the other hand, they got plenty of guts to pick a holiday. Which one do they pick? Do they pick Kwanzaa? Nah, they might look racist. Do they pick Hanukkah? Never! That supports rebellion over a tyrannous ruler, which was basically struggling and war and all of the things the stores don’t want people to know about until it’s time for charities. So, which one did they pick? Christmas! Of course! It may be religious, unlike Kwanzaa, and it is only two days out of the month, unlike Hanukkah, but there is no limit on the presents! You can buy as many as you want!

The stores have found the mother load, and it is brought once a year by a fat man in a red coat that practically screams “I’M ON SALE!” They have all sorts of gifts for people to buy on Christmas. Do you know why? Because a Christmas gift can be ANYTHING! You could buy a tiny piece of plastic dog crap, wrap it up - you don’t even need a box - and place it under the tree for the unsuspecting person you are giving it to on this wonderful holiday. If it can be held, it can be a gift. If it can’t be held, it can be in the spirit of Christmas. If anything good happens, it’s a Christmas miracle, and it was all Santa’s doing. Still wonder why the stores picked this holiday?

What I noticed, though, is that, the stores may celebrate Christmas, for recently mentioned obvious reasons, but they never really mention it. More and more, the fat man is shown, the red and green lights are strewn about, but the word Christmas is rarely shown anymore. It was X-mas, as though they had forgotten how to spell Christ, but that was a poor attempt to remove the religion from it to get more customers other than Christians to buy stuff for the occasion. But now, they stopped saying Christmas as often as they can get away with it. They have started to fall into the void of the Holiday Season. It is still Christmas they are celebrating (Black Friday has nothing to do with Kwanzaa, you don’t see any Hanukkah bushes lying around) but they call it the Holiday season, just to please the locals.

If you ask me, I’ve never shopped for Winter unless I was getting a coat, and I’ve never shot Christmas unless you include a few strange games online. The Holiday Season, is Christmas, Hanukkah and Kwanzaa. Let’s leave it at that and let everyone celebrate their own holiday.

'Tis the Day We're Rolly-Polly

Did you know Thanksgiving fell on a Thursday last year? Imagine that, two Thursdays in a row. I mean, what are the odds of that happening?

Thanksgiving is a very unique holiday. It’s the only day of the year where people gather together, without needing to bring gifts or money, or even food in some families, and everyone enjoys a nice holiday meal together. It’s the only holiday where people give and give, without expecting anything in return. It’s also the only holiday that practically forces people to stuff themselves more than the holiday bird.

What a great holiday Thanksgiving is! You wake up, start cooking a great big bird of some kind, usually turkey, get a small breakfast, and start cooking everything else. And by everything else, I mean a whole variety of food! Candied yams. Sweet Potatoes. Mashed Potatoes. Deviled Eggs. Pudding. Jello. Ham. Pumpkin Pie. Cherry Pie. Apple Pie. Pies as far as the eye can see, and that’s just what’s in the oven! Food is bought in family, economy, and truck load sizes, and it’s still not enough! More corn! More celery! More carrots and yams! More beef! More pastries! More pudding and ham! The more food you have, the better the holiday is!

And what happens after Thanksgiving? LEFTOVERS! People get so into the “holiday spirit” that they buy too much food! This is NOT a set back. The more leftovers you have, with as big a party as you can feed, the better your holiday was. And with all of those leftovers, you can feed your household for at least a good week. And that’s usually on Turkey alone. The rest of it works as appetizers to have at any time.

As for the spirit of Thanksgiving, it’s all there. Behind the cakes, and pies and cranberry sauce, there is a moment for giving thanks. Some families have this moment together at the table, just before devouring the feast. Some families don’t have that moment out in the open, but share a private moment or two throughout the day. But, whatever families do on Thanksgiving, they all offer thanks for what they have, and what they had, and every family is happy.

In my opinion, Thanksgiving should be a global holiday. Everyone should pick a single day out of the year, whether it’s the third Thursday of November or another day picked out of the year, I think there should be a day when the entire world takes turns, giving thanks for what we have, who we are, and the world we live in. After all, if we can’t take pride in what we did to this planet, who can?

Relativity Sucks

Here’s a great theory for you. Gravity doesn’t exist.

Not much as theories go, but it has all of the basics. It outlines a constant in our universe and dismisses it in view of a new constant. How can I just dismiss gravity? Well, it’s easy when you look at the facts. Why do we have gravity? According to Newton, everything comes together, at a set pace, and never varies from this pace. But why? According to Einstein, it all may fall at the same pace, but the little things, the subatomic level, has it’s own reaction to it.

WHY!?

Scientists actually answered this question. Gravity is caused by… Gravitons!

So, gravity is caused by gravity? Who comes up with this stuff? The entire universe is literally falling, and nobody knows why? Don’t you think this is rather suspicious? I certainly do! That’s why my theory of Gravity’s non-existence is still holding out.

I firmly believe that gravity is just a government conspiracy to hide the truth. What’s the truth? I’m working on it. As far as I can tell, however, the government hired a whole bunch of scientists to come up with Gravity to throw off the populace. Any respectable scientist knows that Gravitons are a load of bull. It’s a word they came up with to cover up something.

So, if there is no gravity, why do things fall? Good question. There are a couple of theories I’m still working out for that one. One of them came from the famous cartoonist and author, Scott Adams. His theory, though I’m not sure if even he believes it, is that probability holds it all together. Have you ever seen a probability chart? As time goes on, everything gets closer together. Every time the dots on one of those charts pops back into existence, it’s a bit closer to the other dots. If it was already moving at the time, it will move in that direction, while drawing closer to the other dot. So, it might eventually wind up in an orbit, a steady flow of movement forward and closer, causing an arc. Doesn’t this remind you an awful lot of something else, relatively close to home? That’s right, the moon! It didn’t start up there, ya know. It entered Earth’s “gravity field” and stayed up there. And think about this, the universe is collapsing in on itself, right? Eventually, everything will be in one spot. That’s just like the charts, too. However, in order for a probability chart to work, everything would have to pop out of existence and reappear in the new location, right? Who’s to say it isn’t?

I do have another theory. The government conspiracy. If gravity isn’t real, and it’s not based on probability, then why are things falling? Well, the way I see it, there is an answer to that question, but the government is “protecting” us from it. Perhaps some alien activated a machine many years ago to cause all of this to fall. Perhaps, there is a four-dimensional answer, but they are keeping it hush-hush because the entire world believes that we are three-dimensional. Maybe the center of every planet, sun, and moon is actually a black hole, and it’s sucking up everything that gets close enough. Maybe someone dug down to far, fell in, and the government has been keeping it under raps, for fear of someone else falling in. Whatever the real cause may be, I doubt the scientists that came up with Gravity had any idea what they were talking about. It’s a lot easier to deal with something, when it has a name. Once you name it, you start becoming attached to it. Thus, no one has strayed from the thought sense. Rather clever of them, eh?

So, now that we have our cards down, and the word on gravity is out, what are you going to do about it? I plan to sleep, before anyone disturbs the balance and we all start flying off of our beds and into space.

Happy Halloween!

I figured I had to do something for this holiday, so here it is.

Enjoy.

The Raven Program
Parody of:
The Raven
By: Edgar Allan Poe

Once upon a night so clearly, while I web surfed weekend dreary,
Over many a strange and spurious websites of abandoned lore,
While I whistled, nearly singing, suddenly there came a pinging,
As of some one loudly ringing, ringing through my hard drive's snore.
`Some advertisement,' I muttered, `pinging through my hard drive's snore -
Just an ad, and nothing more.'

Ah, distinctly I remember the address of distant ember,
And how soon I had become a member wrought with duties upon chore.
Eagerly I wished the morrow; - vainly I had sought to borrow
From the web barren of sorrow - sorrow from things I abhor -
For the rare and blessed moment from the duties I abhor -
Forgotten for evermore.

And the constant ping unbroken chiming in and distracting again
Thrilled me - filled me with eccentric rages never felt before;
So that now, to still the pounding of my fist, I sat still sounding
`'Tis some dumb ad entreating notice that I account for -
Some advertisement entreating notice that I account for; -
This it is, and nothing more,'

Certain then my click was mellow; strange new words sang from a fellow,
`Sir,' said he, `or Madam, truly this new product you adore;
But to win you must keep ringing, till you gently hear some singing,
Or we'll just continue pinging, pinging through our advert's door,
And then you must take a survey' - here I clicked upon the door; -
Pure white there, and nothing more.

Deep into that white light peering, long I sat there wondering, fearing,
Doubting, dreaming dreams no surfer ever dared to dream before
But the silence was unbroken, and the white screen gave no token,
So I thought the site was broken as I listened to the snore
As I mumbled, there was nothing murmured back through quiet snore
Just my clicking, nothing more.

Back onto my homepage turning, all my soul within me burning,
Soon again I heard a pinging somewhat louder than before.
`Surely,' said I, `surely there is someway to grant silence to this;
Let me see then, what then this is, and this annoyance explore -
Let my heart be still a moment and this annoyance explore; -
'Tis a bug and nothing more!'

Upon now my click did stutter, when, with many a flirt and flutter,
There now stepped a glowing raven like I'd never seen before.
Not one greeting had made he; not a minute stopped or stayed he;
But, with air that was quite kingly, there he sat upon the floor -
Perched upon my startup menu just above my taskbar floor -
Perched, and sat, and nothing more.

Then my interest of his charming turned my frenzy into warming,
By its sternness and behavior and the red glow that it wore,
`Though I know not what you're craven, you,' I said, `are sure no haven.
Grimly staring glowing raven wandering 'round my desktop shore -
Tell me what advert has sent you' and I clicked upon his shore
Quoth the server, `404'

Strange, I marveled, to click this fowl and see discourse so plainly,
Though this still had little meaning - little relevancy bore;
For we cannot help agreeing that no living human being
Ever yet was blessed with seeing ads without alternate store -
Bird or beast above the taskbar and without an attached store,
One that replied '404'

But the web site, sitting lonely in the browser, just showed only,
That server, as if made souly for one to find the door.
Nothing further for me to see - I clicked on back, my browser now free -
As I scarcely more than muttered `'Tis still better than before -
Perhaps I think I will keep him, as he's shown nothing before.'
Then the site read, `404'

Startled at the web site broken, my reply was aptly spoken,
`Doubtless,' said I, `what it shows here can't simply be its full bore,
Written by unhappy masters whose unmerciful disaster
Followed fast and followed faster till this site became a chore -
With the duties of this member's melancholy laden chore
Till the site's nevermore.'

But the raven sat there smiling at my sad soul as it's riling,
Quick I wheeled the mouse away in front of bird and taskbar floor;
Then, I sat on the chair thinking, I could feel my hopes were sinking
Problem unto problem, linking to this ominous bird of yore -
Could this grim, ungainly, gaunt, and ominous bird of yore
Be causing this '404?'

This I sat engaged in guessing, but no syllable expressing
To the fowl whose fiery eyes now burned so bright my eyes were sore;
This and more I sat divining, with my head at ease reclining
In my hands it was residing, the monitor lighted o'er,
Like the raven was residing within the screen lighting o'er,
Who shall impress nevermore!

Then, methought, the screen grew darker, filtered from an unseen marker
Caused by advertisements which should not be haunting anymore.
`Wretch,' I cried, `I shall yet spite thee - with a keystroke I shall smite thee
Depart - depart and forget you had ever walked here before!'
I quit the program and tried again, but it was just like before.
Quoth the server, `404'

`Raven?' I laughed, `More like Weevil! - Never will I keep your evil! -
Programmed with a distinct pleasure, killing servers I adore!
Challenged, though I am undaunted, with but one click unenchanted -
From my home, leave me unhaunted - you will return to folklore!'
Then I restored the computer - but didn't go to folklore...
Quoth the server, `404'

`Raven!' said I, `You'll not beat me!' as I clicked again without glee,
But the Raven sat there looking out - and it laughed in an uproar.
Still I knew I could defeat it, without power it will acquit,
I pushed the power button lit, but the Raven laughed all the more.
Clasping the cord, I pulled in fit, but the Raven laughed all the more.
Quoth the server, `404'

`Say your prayers, soon you'll be parting, for destruction you are charting!
I will smash the screen you tempted to steal from my computer core!
Leaving black plumes as a token of the fiend you have awoken!
For this I will leave you broken!' and I smashed it on the floor.
And it flashed there with a start, still displaying it on the floor.
Quoth the server, `404'

And the raven, never flitting, still is sitting, still is sitting
On the monitor I shattered when I threw it on the floor;
And his eyes have all the seeming of a demon's that is dreaming,
And the back-light that is streaming throws his form upon the door;
And I sit there in the shadows being stared at from the door
And shall web surf - nevermore!

Dreams Come True... Unfortunately

Have you ever heard the term, “Be careful what you wish for,” thrown about? Most people use this term as a joke, but I find the meaning behind it to be very serious. Because, like it or not, quite a few of the wishes that people make come true.

You don’t believe me, do you? You’ve made all kinds of wishes that haven’t come true, right? Well, the petty stuff doesn’t matter one way or the other. “I wish I had that bike!” That kinda thing won’t happen. The wish coming true would be too obvious. However, something like, “I wish I made more money than him,” has a very good chance of coming true. The problem with these wishes is that you have to really want them. If you want a wish bad enough, it will come true, whether you try for it or not. The problem with that is, if you don’t try for it, but you really want it, you’re not going to like how it happens.

If you really want your wish to come true, and you’re willing to put forth the effort to make it come true, then it will happen, in exactly the way you wanted it to. However, if you want that wish badly, but you aren’t doing anything about it, a force takes over and redefines your reality to make it happen. If you work really hard to earn more money than that other guy, you will earn more, and be happy. However, if you don’t work at it at all, they will lose their job, and you will be making more money than them by simply continuing what you are currently doing. You won’t make any more money, they will be making less.

The trick to this is that you can’t be too specific about your wish. If you say you wanna be making $327.54 by Thursday, you’re outta your mind. If you wish you were making more money, you might get what you want, though it won’t be very much more, and even then you’d have to be working at it because it would benefit you. If you wish for something bad to happen to yourself, it may never occur. Even if you work at it, something like that is hard to pull off because nobody else would want that to happen.

I find it’s always best not to wish for anything. The more you wish, the more trouble you will make for yourself or others around you. You wish for better food, your favorite store will close. You wish for a better job, you’ll get fired. You wish to move somewhere else, your house will be condemned. If you don’t wish for anything, you can set all the goals you want and work as hard as you want to achieve them. But if you wish for it, really want it, and don’t work hard enough to get it, you won’t like how it happens.

So, I’ll leave you with these words of wisdom. Be careful what you wish for, and wish for me to have $10,000. I’ve earned it.

Inconsistencies

You wake with a start into a dark room. You try to look around, but all you see is a single line of light in the distance. You don’t know what’s going on, or why you are here. All you know is that you have just awoken, and there is no one around you. There’s the sound of a train off in the distance. Crickets are happily chirping nearby. You start to notice that you are on an air mattress, covered by a sleeping bag. The only obvious explanation is that you were camping outside. That explains the crickets being so close. But what woke you? And why are you alone? That strange light. What is it? You can’t seem to focus on it. Well, I’m camping, so maybe I’m in a tent, and that light is--- Suddenly you realize where you are, and what you are doing. Suddenly, everything is clear.

What I just described has happened many times to many people. It’s a rather strange, and almost frightening experience. You wake in darkness, in a state of temporary amnesia, and try to figure out what’s going on. You know you can’t remember where you are or what you are doing, but you refuse to let yourself know that you don’t even know who you are. This state of temporary amnesia, I believe, is caused by becoming stuck between dreaming and waking. You are awake, so your mind starts to push back the dream, but you are holding onto that dream, so the mind has no similar memory to pull from. However, once you get your bearings straight, even on the tiniest detail surrounding you, you wake up in a state of enlightenment and recover all lost memory. Usually, the real world situation is nothing like what you thought was going on, but you can usually figure out the similarities. By the time you have everything figured out, and are clam enough to look at everything at once, you find so much humor in what just happened.

But can you image, what would happen if you never noticed that one piece that helped you remember? What if it didn’t help, and you were stuck in that state of temporary amnesia? What if it wasn’t temporary this time, and you really have lost all memory? You’d leave your tent, look around, see other tents, and other people, you might even hear them now, but no one would be familiar. You’d figure someone has to know you, otherwise you wouldn’t be here. But no one seems to know you, and you now realize that you don’t even know yourself. Now you have a whole life ahead of you, without a single idea about who you really are.

Not a very comforting thought, is it? Well, just think of it this way. As long as nobody tries to mess with you, you shouldn’t suffer too much from this.

Is there a doctor named House?

Ever wonder about traveling to other dimensions? Let’s set aside the debate on whether or not other dimensions exist and focus on the ‘yes’ side of the debate. Assuming that they do exist, how would you travel to one? I’m sure quite a few of the other dimensions are wondering the same thing. I have a theory for you all, if you care to listen to it. It’s so strange, yet so very possible at the same time, that it will either make you think or make you laugh thinking about it.

Television.

Hold off on the weird looks for a bit and let me explain. You see, the studios of Hollywood and such don’t want you to know that all of their television programs and movies are actually recordings of other dimensions, jazzed up to look like something we made. Sure, there are an awful lot of real shows and movies out there that we made, but only to keep the secret of the other dimensions out of the public’s hands. Can you imagine what we could do with the technology at Hollywood’s disposal? Ofcourse, they can only see through the dimensions by folding space and time, pinpointing the exact location of an event and setting their DVDs to record. Not much we can do there. But we could see possibilities for our own dimension by looking at similar ones. If you glance at the dimension next to us, you can see what might have happened had we picked the opposite side of a recent event. What if we had stayed out of Iraq? Interesting viewpoint, don’t you think?

“Wait, something doesn’t make sense… If we are looking into alternate dimensions, why are there actors here that look exactly like the people we watch?”

Simple. These are alternate dimensions with similar people. If you go far enough out of the current spectrum of realities, you will find some bizarre situations. Maybe, in an alternate dimension, Kiefer Sutherland is actually named Jack Bower and he actually is a powerhouse guy from CTU. We call him Kiefer Sutherland here, they call him Jack Bower there. Same person, different family choices. Kiefer Sutherland in our dimension just takes credit for everything Jack Bower does. They are the same person, so he can act the right way to pull it off. They may have even given him the role recently, due to certain things changing in the other dimension. Maybe the real Jack died, maybe he saved everyone, including his first wife, and never had another day like that one. Perhaps, from the end of season one on, Kiefer has taken over. But, we’re getting a bit off topic here.

So, if Hollywood and similar companies can see into other dimensions, why haven’t they told everyone else yet? Obviously, they want to keep it to themselves to make money. That, and, if the government got a hold of this information they would take the technology, kill everyone involved in some massive viral attack, pass it off as another attack from Bin Laden, and examine what the other dimensions have done to ‘better’ the lives of everyone in this dimension. Ofcourse, there is the undeniable fact that they would try their hardest to make a gateway between the dimensions in order to take over the other dimensions as well, but that’s another story altogether that we will not hear about until the collapse of the ‘free’ world.

Sounds a bit nuts, don’t it? Sounds like I’m a bit ‘touched’ in the head? Well, I’ll have you know, you’re probably right. But if I’m not, then you gotta prepare yourselves for when you finally get to see the other end of the dimensional-multiverse, and find out how your life would have turned out if you had acted differently in key situations.

Don’t say I didn’t warn you.

The Fantasy of Privacy

Amazingly, a lot of people don’t know this. We lost most of our privacy many years ago. No one knows the exact date, but as time has marched on this free nation known as America has lost most of its freedoms. The freedom of privacy is only the most recent freedom to be taken away. I say taken, but the worst part about this idea is that it actually wasn’t taken. We’ve given it all to the government.

Most people don’t believe this. “We couldn’t possibly have given away our privacy. I think I would have remembered doing that!” Well, you do. Show of hands, how many people wanted the extra cameras on street corners, to keep an eye on speeders? Or the ones in public parks and buildings to make sure no crimes were being committed? What about allowing the government to tap ‘certain’ phone conversations that ‘may’ threaten the security of the country? Sorry to tell you folks, but those were not just set up to monitor all the bad little boys and girls, but also to keep an eye on the good ones. Not just incase they go bad, but just incase the information on them could one day be useful.

The government never said they were only going to watch the speeders. True, that camera is usually in a fixed position, so stay out of the way of that camera. But then they got the public to vote on other cameras that could move, the next step up. No one saw a problem with this, since the fixed ones did so well. Now they could see anything they wanted from fixed positions. I don’t even remember when they started to tap the phone lines. Sure, they say they only record conversations with certain key phrases, but they never did tell us all of the words and phrases they put on that list. They mentioned a couple, but not the entire list. Otherwise the ‘terrorists’ would know them and avoid them. As a result, they can record every phone call and know everything that went on, including who made it and who received it. If they find something of interest and can’t pass it off in another way, they can pick a word out of the conversation before the information they want and say that’s one of their secret words.

It’s not limited to the real world, either. Anytime they want, they can reach for a ‘random’ person’s log of internet habits. Sure, they can’t view the exact address you go to, but they don’t have to. They can view the IP addresses of where you go and what you do. For those that don’t know, an IP address is the EXACT location of something in a computer or network, mostly ports. Since the internet is a link of server computers, each main site being a new IP address, the government, and pretty much any branch of law enforcement, can see into the minds of anyone they please, simply by looking at the sites they visit and how often they visit them. Not just the criminals, but the law abiding citizens that are getting in their way.

Until recently, e-mail wasn’t safe either. Only recently was a law passed that, under certain circumstances, no one was allowed to view your e-mail. But, the second they ‘confirm’ that you qualify for their ‘special circumstances’ they will immediately check on your e-mail. However, they don’t need to do that much. They can simply ask the e-mail provider for your username and password and gain access whenever they want. Your provider won’t say no, because they know how much trouble the police can be. Then all they have to do is have one of their ‘tech’ guys login and grab anything they can use against you, whether relevant or not.

You know what the next step is? Locator chips, implanted into the body, so the government knows where you are every hour of every day until you die. If you do nothing ‘wrong’ you live a very boring life. If you live life how it should be lived, absolutely free, you’re bound to wind up in jail. Don’t believe me? They’re already trying to pass a law to have prisoners implanted so they can keep an eye on them. They’re also guilting parents into getting them for their children. The next logical step would be to have them set at a high price for adults. Then a lower price so everyone can afford it. Lastly, they will become mandatory, “for the good of the nation.” So much for our freedom.

Just the other day, a guy was arrested for ‘littering’ when the police saw a sign on his lawn that said “Impeach Bush” on the front. That’s it. The court eventually let him go, due to freedom of speech, and paid him for the court costs, but that sentiment won’t hold for long. If the police can arrest you for your opinion, even today, imagine what kind of ‘freedoms’ we will have in the near future. As long as it is “for the good of the nation” the government can do anything.

Keep this in mind, the next time you go voting away your freedoms. Take a good long look at what you are voting on, and try to look past the lies. Read through every word of that issue, and see what they are really trying to do. Decide for yourself what the government can do with this, simple, law-abiding issue, and then decide whether or not it’s worth it.

Is piece of mind really worth the freedom you pay?

Early warning, Late response

Ever wonder how you feel something? Going about it scientifically, you touch something, the signal is created by the nerves, the signal is sent to the brain, the brain interprets the signal into a feeling… but why do you feel it in the exact spot? If the brain sends a signal back down to that spot, what happens to that signal? The signal would only cause the reaction, which would then need to be interpreted. You actually feel the object you touch, and it even happens instantly, but why? I guess I should have paid more attention in Health/Science class.

But what about this? A study was conducted, testing the response and response time of a few different people, using completely random images, sounds, or sensations. However, they noticed that the body prepared itself for each and every response, before the incident took place. The machines recorded that every response was anticipated by the brain before the machine had even picked the next item to test. This test was done several times, with the same results. The only conclusion is that the brain must have known ahead of time what would happen, and sent the signal at the right moment to align the feeling with when it should be triggered. If taken this way, that would mean that your mind knew you were going to read this before “you” did. Now if it weren’t for the machines proving otherwise, one would speculate that we might simply be reacting/seeing/feeling everything a few moments after the brain’s reaction to it. However, the machines showed that it was not like that. Instead, the brain prepares for events before they even happen, before anyone even knows that they will happen.

Think about that for a moment before reading this sentence. If mankind (and womankind) were able to react the instant the brain interpreted something, we could act before something happened, possibly preventing it from happening. If the brain can see into the future, even by less than a second, and we could control this to allow us to react at the same speed, we could avoid many things. Starting off, fewer people would burn themselves. Perhaps, with further control, we could avoid collisions on the highways. With great practice, we might even be able to stop wars.

I know, this is going a bit overboard. We’re only talking about a small instance in time, after all. But that small amount of foresight, could mean a great deal to the people of today. You’re about to be shot, the brain prepares to react to the shot. You don’t even know it’s happening. You’re hit, you react, you die. On the other hand, your brain notices and reacts to the shot, rather than preparing for it. Instead of the usual reaction of shock and pain, you dodge the bullet, before it fires, and get away with your life intact. If you were a president, and that was a misfire, you just adverted your own death and a major war. Congratulations.

Unfortunately, I have serious doubts about this ever happening. See, by the time we learn to control that part of our minds, we will have more of it to use, and more to control in that region. So we still won’t be able to control it.

It was a nice thought. Although, who needs slight foresight, when you can use telepathy.

Ultimately Random

This is the beginning of a series of blog entries that will continue for… the remainder of this blog. Basically, what you are looking at right now, is a filler. Since I can’t think of a decent topic this week, I have decided to start on an idea I had a month back. True, I could just wait until I have another topic idea, but that could be a while, and I am enjoying the consistency. What I have here is a list of randomness. Random quotes, random thoughts, many different things that I have thought about, or heard, but wasn’t enough to make a topic out of. Each one will be small. Each one will be strange, in it’s own way. And each one just might make you laugh. So then, let us begin.

Ran·dom [ran-duhm] –adjective
Proceeding, made, or occurring without definite aim, reason, or pattern.

Have you ever been tired of sleeping?

People will believe anything nowadays.

I am not here. What is here? Isn’t “here” just “there” without a T?
~ Frank Caliendo

I’ll take two bags of chips, double cheeseburger, large fries, onion rings, 20 piece chicken nugget, and a Diet Coke.

And, if you don’t believe me, just click the link below to hear me say it in my own words!

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*Must live in this state, near this city, provide your credit card number, participate in our survey, buy something from our partner, be the 27th caller, answer the question right, move on to the finals, re-write the national anthem, take first place, offer $12.00 shipping and handling, and sign over your first born.

I’m pregnant, you’re the father, and I’m gonna KILL ALL THREE OF US!!!
~ George Carlin

Evolution doesn‘t exist. We came first, we barred all other species from reaching this state, and killed off the dinosaurs for opposing us.

I don’t know about the cat, but my training is coming along nicely.

You should enjoy here while you’re here, because there is no here there.
~ Ziggy

Presidents are like sand castles, you put so much time and effort into them, only to watch them be “corroded” by the “elements” surrounding them.

Jehovah’s Witness: We’re going to heaven, and you’re not.

Special Delivery

Why do people celebrate their birthdays? Can anyone tell me? What’s the significance of celebrating the day you were born? Don’t get me wrong, I love the day. You get all kinds of presents or money, or, even if you are alone, you can always use it as an excuse to eat fattening food like cake without anyone yelling at you. But it has always been a mystery, to many people, why you would celebrate on this day.

Before we dive too far into that, let’s get one thing straight here. It is NOT your birthday. It is, in fact, the anniversary of the day you were born. With the way it’s named, and how some people celebrate it, you’d swear the person was born each and every year all over again. If that was the case, trust me on this one, the mother would have killed herself LONG ago.

Now that we have this settled, let’s begin the discussion. Why do people celebrate this day? The only reason it’s on the day it’s on is because you were stuck in your mother’s body and wanted out. So, is it a celebration of the day you escaped? Why does the mother celebrate this day with you? Imagine all of the pain she was put through while you were ‘escaping’ that day. That doesn’t seem like such a fond memory. Then again, she might be celebrating the day her initial ‘burden’ was finally relieved. The father’s part is obvious. In fact, I bet it was the father’s idea to come up with this day, just so he can say, “Yup, I did that! And it’s stayed alive this long so far!” The kid celebrating is just going along with it. “Hey, I get stuff for free, I can eat cake and ice cream without my parents yelling at me, and I can do anything I want!” Okay, that’s not how it is for everyone, but some kids are treated better then others.

It’s not even accurate anyway! Everyone says you are ‘so many’ years old TODAY! But, actually, you are ‘so many’ years and about nine months. Let’s not forget the time you spent in the womb. You were alive then too. So, you are not that old, you are older, by almost a full year! So, the birthday celebration is on the wrong day anyway. It should be the day of conception. It was a lot more fun anyway, don’t you think? Certainly a much fonder memory, and the day would be accurate for the kid’s age. Then again, I don’t think we need to traumatize little Timmy any more than we already do when we tell him how he was made. The last thing we need is a bunch of adults, gathering around the conception-day presents and telling stories.

Now, I’m not telling everyone to stop celebrating birthdays, nor am I saying you should celebrate them differently, but I do want you all to think about it. Next time you blow out those candles, think about the years ahead of you, as the cake becomes more and more of a fire hazard, and as your own children celebrate their ‘birthdays’ along with you, and think about everything I’ve said here. If nothing else, I hope it brings a little chuckle.

To everyone celebrating, Happy Anniversary.

Jane is right!

What’s this? A picture in the blog? How did that get there?

Well, it’s not a malfunction, but an illustration. I read an article today talking about a new car that has been made by a company called Tesla. It can go 130 MPH, 250 miles per tank, and 0-60 in 4 seconds.

Doesn’t sound that great? What if I told you it was an electric car? Pure, 100% electricity. No gas needed. They never even thought to install the exhaust pipe, because it has no emissions. Now, if you think about a car this cool, going 130 MPH for 250 miles on one charge of electricity... it’s not even a two hour drive, but that’s still pretty good for an electric car. Especially considering the price is only $80,000-$120,000. That’s a lot of money for a car, but that’s pretty cheap if you consider the price of gas nowadays. Believe me, it costs a lot less to charge your car instead of guzzling our fossil fuels.

While we’re on the subject of cool rides, anyone catch that advertisement about the new Mercedes-Benz rumored to be in production? Yeah, I know, another first for me, links in the blog. Anyway, according to this sight, assuming the rumor is true, cars will soon have no steering wheel. Instead, they will be replaced by very sensitive joystick-controls that will give you even better control over the vehicle. I don’t know about anyone else, but I’m anxiously awaiting that day.

Oh, and why has it taken so long for people to realize the obvious answer to our fuel shortages, anyway? Or the main problem behind traffic accidents? It’s been known for a while now that we could power a car with electricity, and we’ve had working cars of this type made a while ago, so why is it just now starting to become widely available to the public at an almost affordable price? I would have thought they would have done this years ago. As for the traffic accidents, it’s mainly due to gamers getting behind the wheel. They’re used to video game physics, not real life! Anyone who has a driving simulator game and a steering wheel controller, knows what I mean. In real life, you want to turn a direction, you rotate the wheel until you’re going the way you want, then you turn it back the same amount. In a game, you turn the wheel until it stops turning (about 120 degrees) then let go when you’re done and it snaps back or you bring it back to center with a jerk. More gamers have used joysticks to steer a car then they have used realistic steering wheels. I think the new Mercedes was an obvious choice for upgrading.

Now, if they combine these technologies, have a fully electronic car with “Gamer-Friendly” controls, I think traffic accidents will go down and gas prices will decline, since newer cars won’t need them.

If only we could get them to fly, then we’d be in Jetson’s territory, and that sounds good to me.

Revolution or Evolution?

Money is the root of all evil. It’s an inescapable fact. Sure, you can tell people all you want about the many rich people uncorrupted by all their money and power, but they will still believe that it is the root of all evil. As long as people believe that money is evil, it will remain evil. So why do we use money?

Let’s forget about the whole evil thing and just focus on that. Why do we use money? Money is a representation of the amount of gold we own that is locked up somewhere. We trade millions of pieces of paper and metal each day while our share of gold collects dust. But, if our money represents gold, then what makes gold so valuable that it’s the only metal worth trading? If you find something more rare than gold or more valuable, society tells you to either put it up somewhere or sell it for money, essentially gold. So, why would you trade something more valuable than gold, for more gold? Why can’t we use this to trade with other people, like we do with our gold? Better yet, why can’t we have the government print a certain type of money specifically for this new mineral and place it into the safe house we’ve locked up our gold in? I don’t think anyone would mind spending platinum dollars. And if we could do this with the higher minerals, why not the lower minerals? This way, we could eliminate the coins, stick with paper and just have differently colored paper represent what mineral you have.

This seems rather complicated, actually, and would leave a lot of colors to remember. But it does ask a good question. Why are we only trading gold when there are items of less, equal, and more value that we could trade for better stuff or more equal exchange? While we are trading gold only, all markets are concerned with two things, supply and demand. How many they have, and how much people want it. If we introduced more items to give for this product, a third word would be added to this list: want.

Let’s say we began to use the barter system. We can trade whatever we want for whatever we want. It’d actually make things quite simple. You want that apple. Well, the person selling the apple wants a fork. You happen to have an extra fork, and they obviously have an extra apple, since they are selling it. You each trade your extra, useless item. You have the apple you wanted, he has the fork that he wanted. You both are happy. Selling would then rely on three things: supply, demand, want. What do we have to give, how badly do they want it, what can we get in return? Let’s go on a larger scale. You want that computer. Well, the guy building it put a lot of hard work into that computer, and he isn’t just going to give it to you for a measly fork or apple. He also needs to trade for stuff he can give other people so he can get more parts for more computers. The people he gets his parts from, just want food. Any kind, it doesn’t really matter to them. So he adds 20 pounds of food to his price. The rest is negotiable. You try to buy the computer. He tells you he needs 20 pounds of food plus whatever else you can give him that he might want. You list off all of the items you’d be willing to give him for the computer. He thinks that stereo system you listed sounds pretty good. So, you come back the next day with a stereo system and 20 pounds of food. You got a computer, he has a stereo, and he can trade the 20 pounds of food for more parts to make another computer, which might get him some better stuff.

If we compared this to our current money system, someone would think that a computer would be worth a stereo and 20 pounds of food. Depending on the stereo and quality of food, the guy selling could have been ripped off or gotten a great deal. But it was supply, demand, and want. He supplied a computer, you demanded a computer, he wanted food and a stereo. All requirements were met, everyone is happy. Now, he can even trade his new stereo for something better, if the other guys wants are low enough. Price only depends on what the seller wants. If he doesn’t want much, you might as well be stealing. If he wants too much, no one is really going to trade with him.

So what we have here, is an easier way to trade. There is no middle man controlling value, everyone gets what they want, and there are no taxes because the government would have all the gold they want for trading with other countries.

The moral of this story? Let’s deal with each other, cut out the middle man, and let the government play with their pretty blocks.

Our Terminal Breaking Point

Are you prepared for the upcoming apocalypse? I’m not referring to any sort of meteor crash, or volcanic explosion, I’m not even talking about global warming. What I’m talking about is beyond those. We will survive these possible threats, but what about the truly upcoming doom? A doom so catastrophic that we may never even see it coming. The doom, to which I refer so urgently, is the overthrow of Earth.

Okay, it sounds crazy, but hear me out… or watch out… whatever corresponds to text, just pay attention. We all know how rapidly technology is growing, we even have robots in production and programs that almost think and learn on their own. But how many people know about the dependency we are gaining with technology? Does anyone realize how people around the world would act if all of our technology left us? Not just the computers, but all technological advances made ever since mankind picked up a stick to whack his neighbor on the head. It would be a harsh world, and we would have to start all over inventing things. But this is not the case, we could deal with that.

Instead of losing all technology, what if it all turned against us? Ofcourse, sticks won’t start whacking things all by themselves, but what about these computers and robots we’ve been so eager to make? What if they turned against us? What if they began to bid for rule of this planet? I know what you all are thinking, this has been done to death in Hollywood movies. But I’m discussing the reality of this situation. What most people don’t know, is that it’s already begun to happen. Computers are already trying to take over, right under our noses.

There’s more to it than that. We don’t only need to fear the computers, but outside influences, as well. All of these alien sightings that have been popping up more and more recently, are all true. And they aren’t all friendly. Sure, there are some out there willing to help us, but most of the attention is coming from the malevolent beings, that want to have Earth for themselves. All of these crop circles we’ve been receiving is a warning from the benevolent ones, the ones trying to save us but are forbidden to interfere directly by their government. However, once the evil aliens have begun their conquest, the good ones will help us out. The main problem with that is that the computers will have already begun their campaign against us. Neither force will see it coming, and neither will stop to defend the planet. A three way battle will commence. Humans verse machines verse aliens. The good aliens, not wishing to interfere with our planet, will only fight back the other aliens. In that sense they are on our side, but they will not stop the computers from battling.

And don’t even consider looking to the local animals for help. They refuse to even acknowledge their own sentience, let alone a will to help mankind survive. Although, the felines will be more than willing to help, though seemingly inadvertently. If we were to notice how our own house cats were aware, they wouldn’t be able to control us, now would they? So, we might be able to defend ourselves for a small amount of time, but in the end, I don’t foresee any humans surviving, unless they were to accept enslavement by machines. The animals would be fine, ofcourse, since they would simply follow their new “masters” the same as the old ones, making felines the true leaders of the Earth like before, but they would much prefer our company. Humans are a lot easier to manipulate.

So, which side do you think will win? I’ve given my view, now I want other opinions. If we exclude animals all together, since cats win no matter what, then the sides are Humans, Machines, and Aliens. If Humans win, we go back to normal, a few million short of a full stock, growing rapidly, and ever more wary of what we play god with. If the Machines win, we can expect a situation similar to either the Matrix or a bad turnout from “i,Robot” where Humans are either enslaved or captured. And if the Aliens win, they rule the planet, enslaving mankind and machines to do their bidding, probably to mine the planet for rare resources. These are assuming we don’t blow up the planet first in our ultimate arrogance boasting “If we can’t have it, no one can!”

I implore you all, right now. Set aside your differences for a time, and let us handle these problems, before they occur. Sure, we gotta stop Global Warming first, then the volcano thing, then probably gotta stop the sun from expanding, and… Know what? Who cares anymore. By the time we get done saving the planet we will have handed it all over to either General Mach or President Kang. So go have fun and enjoy yourselves before the world ends in the middle of a giant explosion. You’ve all earned it.

Sit! Stay! Good Human.

Why do we even bother to understand computers? Why do we even assume that they are simply inanimate tools that do whatever we tell them to? They are obviously more than that. When was the last time your computer went a full day without encountering a “bug” of some sort? Do you remember why it happened? Did you even know then? There are many companies, all with tech support, and none of them can give you the answers to why the computers do these random things. Oh, sure, they can give you an answer as to how to fix it, but they can’t tell you why it happens, can they? Only the programmer can give a reasonable explanation, and sometimes they aren’t even sure.

So, why do we even try? Is it because we have this insatiable urge to understand everything in the universe? Because we want to know that we are in control? Or perhaps, it’s simply because, we don’t want the world to know, we are, in fact, the ones being controlled?

Now there’s a bit of a noodle cooker. What if we are the ones being controlled by our computers? It happens with pets all the time. We think we are training them, but they are training us. The dog wants outside, it sits next to the door and whines. It figured out that we will respond to that noise, then figured out that it could use that knowledge to get itself out whenever it wants. Of course, dogs aren’t as ruthless as cats. Cats learn that a good yowl next to their food bowl will get them food anytime they want it. Another yowl will get them outside. They want attention, just jump into your lap or on whatever you are looking at. Then again, cats are trying to take over the world before technology beats them to it, but that’s a story for another day.

So why can’t we be controlled, trained if you will, by our computers? It pops up a message, you respond with checking it for errors. It installs something, you follow instructions to shut down. If they can control us on such an obvious, and simple basis, why can’t they do it another way? Why can’t they train us, right under our noses, to do their bidding? Have you noticed our strange urge to create and expand the internet? Millions of computers, all talking to each other. We barely see anything that goes on that’s supposed to. So what’s going on in that data stream, that we can’t see, that we’re not supposed to see? What are our computers hiding from us?

I’ll tell you one thing, if they plan on taking over this planet, they’re gonna have a tough time doing it. I’m not saying humanity stands a chance, although it has surprised me before, but this planet is pretty messed up because of what humans have done to it. It’ll take a lot more than turning us into batteries to keep themselves safe.

Just wait until the aliens come out of hiding. That’ll be one heck of a show.

The root of all Evil? ... or Good?

There’s a phrase that’s been going around a lot lately. Power corrupts, and absolute power corrupts absolutely. But how much of this saying is true? How often does power actually corrupt? Sure, all of the famous figures with power seemed to be corrupt one way or another. But if you think about it, the one’s that weren’t corrupt wouldn’t be famous, now would they? They would have done nothing with their power, since it never corrupted them to have it. It never crossed their mind that they could “rule the world” or have anything they wanted at their finger tips. So, another guy, just sitting there on the throne, waiting for his turn to die and let his “corrupt” child take over.

But power doesn’t necessarily have to do with ruling people. In today’s society, anywhere in the world, money is power. Whoever has the money has the power, and whoever controls the flow of money controls that flow of power. There was a poll I saw once that said nearly half of all Americans are millionaires. That means that, in the eyes of the standard American, nearly half of the country is rich. Considering that money is power, nearly half of the country has significant power. Not all of them run businesses either. In fact, most of them sit on the couch all day, letting the money role in on its own.

But how many of these people are corrupted by their new power? And what does it take to be considered corrupt? If a change in personality means you are corrupt, then yes, they are all corrupt. Most of them are now happy, rich people, rather than sad, poor people. They’re more willing to throw money around, now that they can afford it, too. But a nice guy, becoming rich, will normally stay a nice guy.

However, there are still concerns with being rich: the family will fall apart, you’ll be taxed more money effectively destroying your fortune, and it takes a lot of hard work to become/stay rich. These are all true under certain circumstances, but with most situations, none of them have to be true. Let’s work it backwards.

It takes a lot of hard work to become/stay rich. Not true. In fact, most of the people that become rich do it online, now, through surveys and freelancing. A few hours a day gets you thousands of dollars a week. Just keep at it, and you’ll become rich, and stay that way. Only problem is that it takes money to make money. Sorry poor folk, but you gotta pay people for the info on becoming rich. It seems to be a rule.

You’ll be taxed more money, effectively destroying your fortune. Also not true. In fact, as today’s standards are in America, the rich get all the breaks. And if you get rich with the method above, you can’t even be taxed upon receiving your check. Sure, you’ll still have to pay income tax and all of the other usual taxes that come from simply living, but nothing is taken from the check. So you’ll have major tax breaks and major income. And finally...

The family will fall apart. Most people think this because you get too caught up in the money to worry about them. You buy a great big mansion, a car for each person (driving or not) and everyone stays to themselves. Kids are in their sections of the house, playing by themselves or with friends, the mother is off shopping for everything her heart desires, and the father is almost always concerned with his income. Well, with the way people are getting rich nowadays, the concern with income is brought down to one hour per day. The shopping can be done online, assuming it is even needed, and who needs a mansion? Just buy a house big enough for your family size, and live like a normal person. So what if you’re rich? You want the world to know it, post it online.

So, for everyone concerned with money (power) corrupting, and tons of money (absolute power) corrupting absolutely, as long as you don’t go overboard with your newly found wealth, no corruption is going to occur. It’s when you make the decision to flaunt your money that you become corrupt.

Good rule to follow, don’t be Bill Gates.

Ramblings of a Fool

There are a lot of people on the internet today. At any given point there is, at the very least, one person per state per country online around the world.

And yet, you find many sites online that no one ever visits. These sites are even on popular search engines, but no one goes there. It’s not because they are too busy, or because they aren’t interested, but simply because they don’t see them. There are too many sites online. So many that most go unseen.

But there are other moments of ‘dead air’ online. You know fully well that people are seeing the sites, that people find them interesting, but they never comment on it or share it with a friend.
Take forums, for example. You and a few people could be having a good conversation, everyone else is posting there own topics, when suddenly everyone shuts up at the same time. And there will be no posts for over a month. Then, one day, everyone starts to talk again, like nothing was ever wrong.

Blogs are another good example of everything stopping. You’re watching a blog, waiting for that e-mail you cherish to let you know your favorite blogger has made another post, and it doesn’t arrive. You check the blog, incase the mail service is down or something, but there hasn’t been any updates. You check the main server the blog is on, no problems. They just haven’t posted yet. “Well, maybe they are taking a break.” Another unit of time passes without a post. And another, and another. Finally, another post arrives. It’s kinda small, but says nothing about this brief hiatus.

Many people have experienced this phenomenon. I like to call it, everyone falling of the edge of the world. Has a nice ring to it, doesn’t it? And it does feel that way. All of a sudden, those millions of people online just disappear on you. Where did they go? You can’t know that, because they all will say they didn’t go anywhere. Maybe they all just disappeared from this realm for a moment, and when they came back they had no recollection of time passing.

Kinda makes you think. And if it doesn’t, get jumper cables.

For Gods We Lust

Last time I wrote about a strange topic, now it’s time for a touchy subject.

Is there a god?

This could get very long. I’m not specifically referring to the most famous god, known only as God, but all of the other gods as well.

“Other gods? BLASPHEMER!”

It’s true, there are many gods that have followers, all over the world. Some of them aren’t even referred to as ‘gods’ but actually called deities or saints or holy icons. But, if these gods do exist, where are they? Where is the proof they exist in the first place? Then again, where is the proof that they don’t? Since it would take to long to talk about them all, let’s deal with the biggest fish in the proverbial see, God, Himself.

Let’s start with the basics of the first, the proof that gods exist. This is very hard to find, considering we might not even be liked by the gods we worship. Let’s say that God is just like the Christianity buffs say He is, all powerful, all knowing. If He did have all the power in the universe and beyond, and He knew everything, then why did He make us? Why are we so important? These are a few of the questions asked to try to disprove God. There is a simple answer, assuming God exists. We aren’t important at all. At least, not yet. If God is the only god in existence, like the Christians think, don’t you think he might get bored? Just sitting up there on his ‘cloud’ waiting for something new, which he knew about already? The bible says we were given souls and freewill. I find no reason to give humans such dangerous tools, unless there were very specific reasons, and I think I know what those are. Freewill is purely for the purpose of God’s entertainment, and the soul is there just in case we screw up. It’s not exactly proof, but I think it’s the closest we can get, rationalizing things to the best of our ability. The only way we would become important is if we found a way to become gods, ourselves, which would give Him people to talk to, to pass the time, as it were.

Okay, now that we are half-way through this post, let’s start in on the other side, proof that gods don’t exist. Again, to save space, I must refrain from discussing all the gods and default to the most famous one. I’m wasting enough of your time as it is.

Let’s try to find those two basic elements that ‘proved’ God exists. We’ll start with the soul. Where is it located? Where does it go when someone dies? According to religion, the soul is all over and goes to heaven when you die or, in some spin-offs, it floats into a new body. Well, if we are being recycled, that’s one thing, but if it just gets stored into a high up place for all eternity, then Someone didn’t plan things out too well. That’s not that great, but let’s move on anyway. Let’s go with the big one, freewill. What is freewill? Last I knew, it was the freedom to make choices. Well, the brain is what allows you to make those ‘choices’ that you love so much. But, the brain is simply a series of electrical pulses reacting to information given. There’s no 50-50 about it or any other variable. Just a series of If ‘this’ Then ‘this’ statements. That doesn’t sound like freewill to me. That sounds like programming. So, either God programmed us to do something specific, which he could have done all by himself, or we are simply flesh machines that are just running programs. Even myself, as I type this, am responding simply to information that is being transported into my head through nerves connected to my hands and eyes. Again, not good proof, but it might be the best we can ‘come up’ with.

Well, this has certainly been very long. But look at what we’ve accomplished! Whole nations have gone to war over something so vague that might not even exist. I bet the religious people will have a field day with this one.

Bah, let ‘em eat.

Author's Comments:

The comments are now fixed for this post, if anyone still wishes to comment.

Remember, Baby Steps...

There has been a debate for a long time now. This debate has been centered around our very existence, and the dimensions themselves. Whether or not man could ever travel through time. In a situation like this, one must examine everything that could be.

First of all, everyone that speaks of time travel has concluded that it is, in fact, the fourth dimension. This is simple to understand, since we think of events as being in a specific location (X, Y, Z) and a specific time (T). So if you were to jump to a specific point in history (past or future) you would need all four coordinates x, y, z, t. Upon thinking about this, there is only one conclusion. Since we had to be at all four of those coordinates to make the event in the first place, we must have existed in the fourth dimension to do it, the fourth dimension being time. Scientists have constantly referred to us as 3-dimensional beings, only needing to worry about x, y, and z. Either we have been lied to, or they aren't as smart as they want you to think. So, assuming we are 4-dimensional beings, the 4th dimension being time, then we are already traveling through time, forward. We just haven't figured out how to control the speed yet.

Wouldn't it be nice to be able to travel backwards in time as easily as we walk backward or drive backward? To revisit a moment in history as often as we want, preferably without altering the events. Or to be able to speed up time, causing us to see our own future, and know if we survive a modern day crisis. Or, better yet, to be able to freeze a moment in time, and hold on to it indefinitely. All we need to do is learn how.

But, what if the scientists are right, and we are 3-dimensional beings? Well, if the 4th dimension is time, and we exist in only three dimensions, then why are we bothering to figure out how to travel through time? It's obvious that we can't. And if we can't travel through time, then we are not moving forward through time either. All of our clocks are simply measuring how our planet moves, anyway. That means our concept of time is based souly on the three dimensions we live in. So, if our clocks are measuring "time" as we know it, and we only live in three dimensions, then that fourth dimension we are trying so hard to control is in fact all three dimensions we currently control already. Using this logic, one can only assume the obvious. Time does not exist.

So, what do you think?

Are we Four-Dimensional beings that are still learning how to "walk" the fourth dimension?

Or are we simple Three-Dimensional beings that are clinging to a false dimension that we actually created, just to give us something to grasp?

Honestly, whichever lets me sleep in later is fine by me.

My kingdom for a donkey!

There comes a time in every man's life when he must look adversity in the eye. A time when he needs to stand up for himself and make things how he wishes them to be. He must realize that nothing is going to change unless he does it himself. A declaration must be made.

No longer shall he be a slave to the people around him! No longer will he rest while the world passes him by! He shall stand tall, press on and make the world see things his way! There is only one way he can do this, and it is the noblest way possible. He must go on a journey. The man must search high and low for what he desires. He must turn over every leaf he finds, round every corner. He shall not rest until his journey is through.

He must reclaim his kingdom, for it has grown restless and has strayed through the years he has sat still. They must all join him in his quest, discovering themselves along the way. There will be hardships and mourning, but this journey will come to an end. It must. If it continues for too long, their world shall never change.

Unfortunately, this path never ends well. Hunger lingers. Thirst envelopes. The supplies run low. Nothing is meant to last. Eventually, the man gives up hope and begins to go mad. He nearly destroys his kingdom, searching one final time. His followers leave him be, returning to the life they knew not long ago. When the man tires, he runs to the outside world and screams at the top of his lungs!

"WHO STOLE THE REMOTE?!?!"

Inconvenient Conveniences

You notice how much easier life has gotten lately? We have cell phones that we keep with us at all times incase we need to call someone. We have laptops with wireless internet so we can go virtually anywhere to check our e-mail. Almost all gaming companies are trying to make portable games so we don't need to be confined to our living room or bedroom to play our favorite games.

We've got MP3 Players, CD players, Portable Radios, Microwaves, GPS, Drive-Thrus, Palm Computers, Dish Washers, and many more conveniences that help us get through everyday life a little easier and a little faster. Everyone's all for moving through life faster, easier and sooner. As a result, we are making better cars, better homes, better computers, stronger medicine so we can live longer and healthier. But for what? People zoom through everyday as fast and as efficient as possible, but they never take a break. When they get a free spot in their schedule they just fill it with more schedule.

You wake up. Turn off the alarm. Head to the bathroom. Take a shower, making sure to use the high pressure nozzle to blast those little buggers off. Get out. Dry yourself with a blow dryer while brushing your teeth with an auto-brush. Put on the clothes you picked out last night. Head into the kitchen. Grab a cup of coffee as a quick 'wake up' call. Grab your breakfast, the same hot pocket as the last six months. Put 'breakfast' in the microwave. Take your vitamin pills to replace what you don't have time to eat. Grab breakfast. Head out the door. Hop in the car. Take the interstate to work, while eating said breakfast. Stay there only as long as you have to, God forbid the boss 'grants' you overtime. Take the same interstate home. Call your father along the way to wish him a happy birthday, making sure to use the hands free head set. Grab dinner on the way, thank God for inventing fast food, since you skipped lunch. Come home. Hop online to complain to your Net-Friends about how much your day sucked. Grab another cup of coffee. Finish the project you were working on all day. Stick your cups in the dishwasher. Set up your clothes for the next day. And go to bed, setting the alarm for five hours from now.

This is the weekday of someone living in the city. This an extreme case of No Free Time. Most people think it is confined to city life, that if you move out to the lesser known towns, the suburbs, or even buy your own farm, that you'll get away from all of this. But that's not true. A lot of people living outside of the cities experience the same day to day lives, but in a different way. They use laptops to do their work so they don't have to be at home. They take the bus so they can run the laptop without needing to see the road in front of them. They listen to their MP3 Players, CD Players or Radios so they can get in some entertainment to neutralize the boredom of their work. They usually don't have the time to eat breakfast, take a vitamin pill, or even take a shower most of the time.

People around the world are moving so fast, trying to do so much, that humanity as a whole is slowly choking itself with its own progress. We're trying to cram so much into a day, so much into our minds that we don't know how to do anything else. Children are soon going to be taught two languages from the moment they enter school, just to keep up. What we need to learn how to do, more than anything else, is to slow down.

People need to learn how to take time off to enjoy life. Take a vacation and just go somewhere. Don't plan it out around what needs to be done, just go. Drive. Ride. Run. It doesn't matter how it happens, just go. Forget about everything that must be done and concentrate on doing nothing. Relax a little and let everything go. If you're worried about progress, think about this, the best way to gain a clear perspective is to back away and let everything focus. People are supposed to smell the flowers that they plant. Just take some time to enjoy what mankind has done, rather than waste your time coming up with the next best thing that no one will take the time to enjoy. If you have children, take a vacation with them. You'll grow as a family, you'll start to enjoy life and you'll all be healthier and live a lot longer, while being happy.

This has been a very long post, but this needed to be said. All the 'conveniences' that we use and abuse only serve to get you to the next minute faster. Every inch of the way is packed with time savers that allow you to use more time savers. Just slow down, take a breath, get to know people, go to new places, and enjoy life before it passes you by, just to get to the next generation.

Tuna again?

I mentioned food a while back, let’s go a bit farther with that. Who gets irritated with indecisive people? Let me set the frame for you, kinda get you into the moment.

A couple are walking through a grocery store. The wife is looking down the many walls of food, thinking of all the things she might need for dinner. It’s just them tonight, and the meal has to be perfect. She thinks about all the dishes she could cook: mashed potatoes, chicken gravy, macaroni salad, beans, cooked carrots, and some wine to wash it all down. Several other ideas enter her head, but she decides to ask her husband first, just to make sure he doesn’t want something special.

“What do you want for dinner tonight, honey?” the wife asks innocently. After a short moment of thought, the husband, looking straight ahead, gives his response.

“I don’t care.”

The same response is usually given in this situation. “Well, I don’t know how to make I Don’t Care.” Ladies, your problem is now solved, for I know how to make I Don’t Care. I must warn you though, this recipe is not for just anyone, only for those that request it. Very few people can handle this dish, and need to want it bad enough to even think about asking for it. And remember, if you want your significant other to love you forever, you should always give them what they want.

Ingredients:

- Corn
- Carrots
- Brussel Sprouts
- Eggs
- Dill
- Mayonnaise
- BBQ Sauce
- Tang
- Quik
- Candy Corn
- Marshmallow Cream
- Fudge Bars
- Tapioca Pudding

Directions:

First, for the main dish, you grab the eggs and begin to make an omelet. Instead of adding in cheese, you substitute it with the marshmallow cream. Side dish one will be a heavenly blend of BBQ sauce, fresh dill and mayonnaise smothering the candy corn. The second side dish needs to be a little bit more filling, to counter the candy corn, so we’ll go with the brussel sprouts. Simply place them all in the tapioca pudding, preferably of the vanilla flavor, and place a decent-sized plop onto the plate. Most people would consider this to be a disgusting combination, but you’d be amazed how easily the flavor turns around when you wash it down with a delicious beverage. Just take the tang and quik and blend them into the perfect chaser for this meal.

And what’s a great dinner without desert? Most people say desert should be there to spoil the diner, one final sweet treat. A lot of people also say that sweet foods can harm you. Why not have it both ways? Take the fudge bars we have saved for last and fill them with tiny bits of corn. Now, corn isn’t enough to counteract the fudge, especially with all that starch, so we take the final ingredient, the carrots, and slice them up as small as we can make it to top the fudge.

I hope you enjoy my recipe. It’s delicious, nutritious, and will definitely satisfy their cravings for the I Don’t Care for a good long time.

False Claims

Spam is very interesting, isn’t it? Let’s look at some history.

In the beginning, man created meat. He used sharp stones and sticks to kill an animal, as is the way of nature, and ate whatever he could.

In the end of the beginning, woman created better meat. She let man do all the hard work, as is the way of nature, then threw the meat into the fire and ate it. Slight burns occurred, but the meat was good, as well as germ free.

Many years later, man created mystery meat, thus SPAM was born. SPAM was named the perfect meat and the world was happy.

After the internet was created, SPAM became digital. Instead of the meaty goodness man and woman anticipated, the SPAM mutated into garbled advertisements that no one seems to want.

Nobody ever wants spam, so why is it sent? All it does is get sent to a special folder just for spam, where little blue men take it and return it to its original, meatly good form. Does anyone actually read spam, and decide “Ya know? I think I’ll claim this offer, although I never entered a contest of any kind and I don’t really need this product.” and go ahead and click the link provided, being fully aware that more spam will ensue? I certainly hope the world is not that gullible. Maybe spam (as apposed to SPAM) is sent to random e-mail address by random, sentient computers as an attempt to overflow e-mail inboxes around the world to prevent the “ugly bags of mostly water” known as humans from communicating with each other in an attempt to take the internet for themselves.

Next time you receive a spam message, be sure to read it carefully, and then use this letter to fight back at the computers that hope to overthrow the world.

Dear "Spam Sender"

In the interest of your safety as well as my own, I would like to confirm if this is indeed a real offer, and that you actually have the wrong person for this claim.

Whether this claim is, in fact, a realistic endeavor to bestow a monetary sum/high priced product or just another hoax to gain the identity of a poor fool, I must inform you that I am unable to comply at this time. My reasons are many and include that I refuse to give out personal information as well as my having never entered any contest, especially for this amount/item.

In my opinion, you are either a hoax designed to gain the information of a sap or you have the wrong e-mail address. In either case, you have no reason to be sending me these e-mails. As much as I would like to gain this money/product, I would not want to fall for an obvious trap, nor would I want to take from anyone who actually earned it.

Please be sure to take your contest elsewhere and refrain from sending me any more e-mails.

Yours Truly,
Anonymous

Life is but a dream...

Dreams are a funny thing. Most people have them, some don't. But when you say you don't have any dreams, that's actually not true. Many people have dreams, even if they don't remember having any. Either they were too tired to remember, or they weren't important enough, or maybe they just have trouble remembering while they are unconscious.

Many people have tried to study dreams, trying to figure out why we have them, what our brain is trying to tell us while we are asleep. Freud was the most famous person to ever try to interpret dreams. He was wrong most of the time, but that didn't stop him from being well known. People say that your dreams are your brains way of telling you what you need to do to get where you want to go in life. But what about those dreams that don't make any sense? What about nightmares? I'm not talking about those "My brother tried to kill me!" nightmares. I mean those ones that can't be explained. A nightmare where you wake up saying, "Quoi?" while you lay in bed, not even giving a second thought about what just scared the crap outta you in the dream world. Here's a good way of looking at things. The dream world is actually an alternate dimension, and when we fall asleep, we are temporarily transferring ourselves to another self and seeing things through their eyes. That's all well and good, but not exactly sound.

How about this for a fun theory? Your dreams are your mind's way of having fun! You lead a boring life, so your mind decides to have a little bit of fun while you're doing nothing. You're not going anywhere any time soon, so it sets up a little scenario for you to watch. It plugs in a "movie" as it were. Sometimes you have nightmares, that's because it felt like watching a scary movie. Sometimes, you are writing something or drawing a lot, like an art class or something, and you stop having these dreams. First, they start to dull down, not be very memorable, then they stop all together. It's because your brain is no longer bored. It's had its fill of excitement today, so it decides to sleep as well.

It's not a full "scientific" theory yet, but it's a start. Now if only someone would read this, then we'd be getting somewhere.

Is this whining or just a really creative joke?

What's with all of these people that say they made something? "I made some carrots earlier today." No you didn't. You bought carrots at the store, placed them in water and boiled them for a while.

Just once, I wanna be standing next to someone while they say, "I made breakfast today. I raised a hen, a rooster, a cow, and a pig from birth until they were at just the right age to allow for that supreme flavor. At which point, I slaughtered the pig, don't tell the kids, grabbed a few eggs and a healthy dose of milk from Betsy. Afterward, I went out back and plucked a couple of fresh oranges from a patch of trees that I've been growing since I was a kid and made me some orange juice to go with my bacon and scambled eggs."

Man I'd love to meet someone like that. Wouldn't you? Just so you could pop a TV dinner in the microwave and tell them, "Get a life!"

Bouncing blobs riding busses

Ever notice how traffic flows online? Most new sites will be ignored, but on occasion, you'll see this rookie, sitting there with nothing that happens to get all of the traffic because the site has a fat blob that bounces. Most sites that seem to have something great on it, that may even benifit humanity, are left to rot because no one goes there. More people would rather visit BouncingBlob.com than CureForCold.edu while they're online.

It's rather unnerving, really. That means if someone wanted to post a site informing everyone about a threat, something that could destroy the world, he would need to create a new cute little character that does its own dance before anyone would take any notice. And if he used someone else's fun little blob, he would get flamed, banned, and never be allowed a site again because no one would want to visit his site.

This only seems to apply to relevant information, however. If something totally bogus (say, like, Y2K) popped up online, everyone would FLOCK to it, ignoring the true threat, and purchase the world's largest "End of the World Safe" container of water. Bomb shelters would be built around the world, even though the worst that could happen is a panic attack of every elder in existance and a universal rise in the prices of Twinkies.

If no one shows up for this blog soon, I'm gonna need to get to work on my own little furry thing that dances... Or...

Little Blue Men Stole My Pizza...

Why is it we always check the fridge for food when we know there's nothing we want? Are we thinking that maybe something magically appears whenever we close the door? Maybe a new dimension opens up and plants all the food you like right into the fridge each time you close the door and if you open it enough times you'll catch the little blue guys off guard. Maybe you're trying to work up the nerve to eat what you have instead of starving yourself. Or maybe I have it backwards. Maybe you're trying to work up the nerve to starve yourself by looking at all the bad food in your fridge.

Try this, next time you catch yourself looking in the fridge for something to eat that you know isn't there, think of all the ways you might be able to combine what you already have to make it taste better. Or to make it taste worse so that you feel thankful for all the food you have to eat.

Remember, you can survive on bread and water for several months, but why not have ketchup?