It Must Be True

Welcome to the first EVER published issue of this hit article series! This article will feature testimonials from real people, in real situations, with real problems and real stories to tell. And remember, if you’ve read it on the internet -

IT MUST BE TRUE!!!

There’s a little secret that Bill Gates and the people of Microsoft don’t want you to know. There is actually a loophole in the programming of Microsoft Outlook, and many other e-mail programs, that will allow someone to send you a file which contains a virus and the program will open it automatically, unleashing the virus upon your virtual desktop, and infecting all of your computer’s files. It’s true. It was demonstrated one morning by a young group of hackers, the infamous Cult of the Dead Cow.

As long as we are dealing with e-mails and hacking, make sure to watch out for an old, legendary hacker that’s been harassing many people lately. He is only known by the name B1FF. This hacker is of a specialized sort. Instead of causing destruction and chaos wherever he goes, he chooses to set a date for his mischief. That date is February 14th, Valentine’s Day. Some say he lost his love to an internet boyfriend, some claim he’s a she that never managed to snag a husband. There are even a few people saying that he is an old hermit hacker, from back in the day when Al Gore invented the internet, and the first hackers were born, and he just happens to hate that holiday. However, regardless what the reason is, you should leave your computer off, and never login to your e-mail account on Valentine’s Day. Sure, you may miss your chance at getting a Valentine on time, but the alternative is much worse. B1FF specializes in letter bombs. He sends an e-mail to you, which will open automatically upon receiving it, if you are logged in on February 14th, and cause your entire computer to explode! Net Police are still trying to track down this culprit.

Did you know it’s possible to make tons of money, just by giving some away? It’s true! If you ever receive a letter asking you to send back a dollar to all previous recipients, do it. Then scratch off the top name on the list and add yours to the bottom and send that sucker on. Within no time, you will be raking in cash like it was nothing. The more people you send that letter on to, the more money you will get from the recipients. Not a bad way to make a living, eh? And even if only one person from each letter sends you a dollar, you will still break even. Isn’t that something?

Speaking of making money, how many e-mails have you gotten from people in the UK asking you to hold onto their money while they transfer to this country? Apparently, there are thousands of people in the UK who are stupid enough to trust any random American with their fortune while they transfer into the country, leaving behind their wonderful job and life to live the American dream. Do yourself a favor and sneak a bit of this cash into your own pocket. These people are rich, what do they care if some is missing. And remember, they are giving up everything to trust you with their hard earned cash while they move, so if there is nothing when they get here, they can’t do anything to you, so take what you can hold.

Oh, be sure to steer clear of all parties from now on, especially if they have drugs. Apparently the party goers may in fact be student doctors, with powerful knockout drugs and surgery equipment and they may be more interested in stealing your kidneys and selling them, then having a good time. Kidneys are worth around $10,000 on the Black Market, ya know. Why would any medical student want to waste their lives practicing medicine for their six-figure income, when they can just steal body parts for a living? Hey, at least they leave you with a phone and a note to dial 911 when they are done. Who knows how long you can go without your kidneys?

And, finally, there is one serious issue I wish to cover. There is a dieing boy at the Mayo Clinic named Anthony Parkin. There is no cure for what he has, and he knows he will be going soon. As his dieing wish, he wants to see his chain letter mailed around the world, and keep going. So, if you see a letter from this dear, sweat, sick boy, please send it on. It’s his last wish, don’t deprive him of it.

These were real testimonials from real people, in real situations, with real problems and real stories to tell. Join us next time when we cover the scandal that made George Bush III, the youngest president ever, and how Tommy Hilfiger confessed his racism on Oprah.

And remember, if you’ve read it on the internet -

IT MUST BE TRUE!!!

Arbitrary Punishment

Ya know, I thought we were a civilized people. I thought we had gone beyond what we call barbaric behavior. So what’s up with us killing people constantly? Sure wars need people who can kill, and it’s hard to stop the criminals from killing, but what about our death penalty? With all of the death around us, it’s apparent that we have become desensitized to it enough to accept it as a suitable penalty for just about anything.

You killed people?

DIE!

You destroyed a city?

DIE!

You won the lottery?

DIE!!!

Why do we feel we need to prove how strong we are by killing everyone that opposes us? I think the death penalty should be abolished in this country. Not because some don’t deserve it, but because it is a huge waste! With how many people die in this country, you’d think we’d want to preserve as many as possible! Instead we are killing them off by the dozen. We are killing so many people, legally, that George Carlin threw it into his act! (WARNING! MATURE CONTENT!)

But this is a huge waste of life. I think we can find a better use for these poor people who have nothing to look forward to but a chair or an injection. If there is one thing we know, as a civilization, it’s how to use resources. And by resources, I of course mean the death row inmates. I think we can all take a chapter out of the game series Halo for this one. In Halo 2, there was a person who was sentenced to death, but instead of out right killing him, they turned him into their Arbiter. Basically, an Arbiter is a soldier that is sent on the most dangerous military missions. These missions are all referred to as suicide missions. The military will get a new soldier that they can send off to do their dirty work, and the victims get their corpse. I think we should use this system in our country.

What I propose is the creation of the Arbiter branch of the military. Everyone placed on Death Row will get a chance to sign a paper that volunteers them for this military role. After going through a strenuous ‘boot camp’ they will be taken into whatever war we happen to ‘not’ be fighting right now, and they will handle all of the most dangerous missions. And, at the end of a certain amount of time serving the country, they will be awarded a presidential pardon from their crimes. Of course, since they are the most dangerous people we have, according to the law, we must take precautions in order to make the people feel safe about their return. We also would have to prepare for their attempt to go AWOL. So, we would need to place a locater chip in each one. Not only would the people feel safer, and the military could keep track of them, but being able to see where every troop is at any given time, you could make a new strategy in the middle of combat and see the results play out on your GPS.

Don’t you think this is a great idea? The victims will probably get the corpse they want, and if they don’t they will at least know the criminal had gone through a severe punishment, of their own choosing, and the military will get the soldiers they’ve been asking for.

Everybody is happy! Well, except the dead people.

Valentine Humbug

I bet you came to this site, hoping to see another Valentine’s Day blog. Another cute little story about how I met this girl, and we’ve been in love for years now, and I got her this cute little bear that had a white shirt on with a red heart, and it was holding a single piece of chocolate fudge with a mint center and it was the sweetest thing ever.

*Sigh*

Well too bad! I’m not gonna give you the satisfaction of a traditional blog entry for this holiday. Why? Because the people that celebrate this holiday don’t care about anyone but themselves! All they are interested in is helping out their relationship with their guy or girl. What about the people who have no such relationship? What about the people that broke up and have no one to go to? What about the people that have not found their ‘significant other’ yet? How are these people supposed to celebrate Valentine’s Day? What do you want them to do, give a heart-shaped box of chocolates to themselves? I think they feel bad enough without that pity party. What about setting them up on a date? I bet you know many friends that they might like. What a great gift on Valentine’s Day, setting your friend up on a blind date with the first person you can think of. Haven’t they been tortured enough?

Ah, but those people will be fine. They’ve survived this day before, and they’ll find love eventually. But if you won’t hold back your love and chocolates for those that have not, then think of the poor Hermit. Think of the old man, living by himself in the house on the hill. Everyone knows him. He’s the mean old man who has nobody and wants nobody. All he wants is to be left alone. He hates it when a random girl in pigtails and shorts walks up to his house, rings his doorbell and slides a valentine under his door, giggling, because they think he’s lonely and just wants somebody to love him. Well, he’s not lonely! In fact, he loves the peace and quiet of his home, and would rather die than associate with the likes of you! And he hates the people that celebrate this day the most! He can’t stand glancing out his window to find people kissing and hugging and smooching and cuddling and walking down the sidewalk, holding hands and giving each other little hearts or cards with a naked kid on it with wings. The Hermit would like nothing better than to forget the world and forget this day. But everyone just keeps bugging him about it.

So, for once in your lives, please, be kind to someone other than yourselves today. Think of the Hermit.