Merry Christmas!

Time to hang up old red and white socks, clean out the chimney, cut down a perfectly good tree, and hang flashing lights all over it that get hot very easily right next to all of your wooden family heirlooms that were made for just such an occasion.

That’s right folks! Christmas is upon us! One of those holidays that not only let people, but encourage them to make a fire hazard in their own homes. We leave the fire place burning all night, with very flammable socks hanging from it. We cut down a real tree, made out of wood, and place wires all over it that heat up easily with lights that also heat up easily and hang glass, plastic, and wooden ornaments on this tree to suffocate the wires and lights even more. Some people actually place candles around this same tree on Christmas eve! Talk about wanting a fire! And, if that’s not enough to cause one, we can now buy fake snow to place or spray on the tree to suffocate it more! If the tree was recent, it wouldn’t be as much of a problem, but it needs to be up at least 12 days BEFORE Christmas! That’s almost half a month with a dieing tree sitting in your house, with all of these flammable or heated objects all over it, and suffocating it to trap the heat on the tree! So, we are trying our hardest to set our houses on fire in the spirit of Christmas!

And, if that’s not enough for you, we must, simply MUST, buy as many useless objects as we can to give to as many people as possible to place under this tree! So now, you are required to place hundreds of dollars worth of highly flammable material under a tree that might as well be on fire already, and keep them there as long as possible. Now the rest of the decorations must be placed, also before the 12 days start. So, by December 12th, we have lights, fake snow, wooden and plastic decorations, and anything else you can come up with in the spirit of this holiday, getting ready to set you on fire or blow a fuse, and they still expect presents to be bought. I’m convinced that the only thing keeping the house and tree from catching fire for most people is the real snow outside that is keeping everything cooled off. I’m not sure what kind of magic is used everywhere else, but it must be some good stuff to stop this blaze.

Now, this is celebrated as a Christian holiday, but it seems to have gone a completely different route. Aside from the music that hasn’t changed much since before AD, the only thing even relating to Christians or Jesus Christ is the name, Christmas! Other than that, you have a fat man, sliding down a chimney, placing ANYTHING you want under a nearly dead tree, hoping not to knock anything over or catch it on fire in the middle of the night. He flies around the world, in one night, in the direction of the sun, in a giant sleigh that’s pulled by 8 reindeer, all male, with horns, which is opposite of their standard cycle. NONE of this has anything to do with the religion or the event of Christ’s birth. The only thing left is the spirit of giving, which has become the spirit of getting! I hate to be the one to break this to the Christians, but Christmas is no longer a Christian holiday. It is now a store holiday.

Think about it. This is now the holiday for buying stuff. You buy a tree, new decorations, presents, food, cards, everything you can get your hands on! The entire holiday is about buying as much as you, and everything but some of the decorations is either disposed or given away! You spend hundreds, maybe thousands of dollars, for basically nothing! What a great holiday, eh? If you own a store, of any kind, you’ve got it made this season.

In closing, I hope you all enjoy your X-Mas holiday, the X representing the amount of money you will spend before the month is out, and give a present to everyone you know, whether you like them or not, because it’s the only way you will feel good about getting a whole bunch of stuff for free, even though what you get isn’t worth what you bought. And eat some holiday ham for me, since no one cooks goose on this holiday like they used to.

Merry Giving Day, everyone!