Friday, February 29, 2008

It Must Be True

Welcome to the first EVER published issue of this hit article series! This article will feature testimonials from real people, in real situations, with real problems and real stories to tell. And remember, if you’ve read it on the internet -


There’s a little secret that Bill Gates and the people of Microsoft don’t want you to know. There is actually a loophole in the programming of Microsoft Outlook, and many other e-mail programs, that will allow someone to send you a file which contains a virus and the program will open it automatically, unleashing the virus upon your virtual desktop, and infecting all of your computer’s files. It’s true. It was demonstrated one morning by a young group of hackers, the infamous Cult of the Dead Cow.

As long as we are dealing with e-mails and hacking, make sure to watch out for an old, legendary hacker that’s been harassing many people lately. He is only known by the name B1FF. This hacker is of a specialized sort. Instead of causing destruction and chaos wherever he goes, he chooses to set a date for his mischief. That date is February 14th, Valentine’s Day. Some say he lost his love to an internet boyfriend, some claim he’s a she that never managed to snag a husband. There are even a few people saying that he is an old hermit hacker, from back in the day when Al Gore invented the internet, and the first hackers were born, and he just happens to hate that holiday. However, regardless what the reason is, you should leave your computer off, and never login to your e-mail account on Valentine’s Day. Sure, you may miss your chance at getting a Valentine on time, but the alternative is much worse. B1FF specializes in letter bombs. He sends an e-mail to you, which will open automatically upon receiving it, if you are logged in on February 14th, and cause your entire computer to explode! Net Police are still trying to track down this culprit.

Did you know it’s possible to make tons of money, just by giving some away? It’s true! If you ever receive a letter asking you to send back a dollar to all previous recipients, do it. Then scratch off the top name on the list and add yours to the bottom and send that sucker on. Within no time, you will be raking in cash like it was nothing. The more people you send that letter on to, the more money you will get from the recipients. Not a bad way to make a living, eh? And even if only one person from each letter sends you a dollar, you will still break even. Isn’t that something?

Speaking of making money, how many e-mails have you gotten from people in the UK asking you to hold onto their money while they transfer to this country? Apparently, there are thousands of people in the UK who are stupid enough to trust any random American with their fortune while they transfer into the country, leaving behind their wonderful job and life to live the American dream. Do yourself a favor and sneak a bit of this cash into your own pocket. These people are rich, what do they care if some is missing. And remember, they are giving up everything to trust you with their hard earned cash while they move, so if there is nothing when they get here, they can’t do anything to you, so take what you can hold.

Oh, be sure to steer clear of all parties from now on, especially if they have drugs. Apparently the party goers may in fact be student doctors, with powerful knockout drugs and surgery equipment and they may be more interested in stealing your kidneys and selling them, then having a good time. Kidneys are worth around $10,000 on the Black Market, ya know. Why would any medical student want to waste their lives practicing medicine for their six-figure income, when they can just steal body parts for a living? Hey, at least they leave you with a phone and a note to dial 911 when they are done. Who knows how long you can go without your kidneys?

And, finally, there is one serious issue I wish to cover. There is a dieing boy at the Mayo Clinic named Anthony Parkin. There is no cure for what he has, and he knows he will be going soon. As his dieing wish, he wants to see his chain letter mailed around the world, and keep going. So, if you see a letter from this dear, sweat, sick boy, please send it on. It’s his last wish, don’t deprive him of it.

These were real testimonials from real people, in real situations, with real problems and real stories to tell. Join us next time when we cover the scandal that made George Bush III, the youngest president ever, and how Tommy Hilfiger confessed his racism on Oprah.

And remember, if you’ve read it on the internet -


1 comment:

Anonymous said...

It is true, you know how many people from other countries have already e-mailed me telling me of there great fortune for me to hold onto.. Yeah right, if someone gave me that much cash i would hike on out and live the life !!!!